note to self

i wanted to try finger painting with my inks.

crap. yesterday i drew tarot cards (again) & got “the tower” as my future card for the third time in a little over a month. i feel like i am supposed to be learning something but it turns into a negative feedback loop as i feel defeated every time i get a sign from the universe to stop being a fuck up…and then it’s all i can do to not be a fuck up.
am i lying to myself? am i building a house of cards that is just going to fall down? do i need to scrap everything & start over?
these are the questions prancing through my brain at 2am….

plus ever since i was rejected by an employer, i am convinced that everyone hates me. why not the universe as well?

so my finger painting was not nearly as inspirational as i had hoped it would be. now i just want to curl up in a ball & cry until i can’t cry anymore.

time for me to shine

truth is
i’m more comfortable
in the dark
more at home
in the shadows
truth is
i’m afraid to look
at myself
in the light
afraid you will see
all the broken parts
of me
truth is
i think i belong
in the dark
hidden
but the truth is
it is time
for me
to shine.

this is the follow up piece to the last one i posted.
this is something i am doing a lot of inner work on right now. bringing myself into the light. discovering my own magic. letting go of the fear i have held on to for so long. the fear of myself.

full moon wishes for 2022

i made a vision board
for the third year running
the past two have worked well in finding me my
madness manor
& helping me through my struggles
as a mom
this year the focus is on success & hotties.

my green man dance

i am the eagle
i am the empress
i am the green man
only the warrior
is missing from my spread
i soar above
i embody motherhood
i am the essence of the earth
a feral thing
with bared teeth
i am
who i am
i am
a celebration
of me.

those are the last three cards i drew from my three different divination decks (two tarot & one medicine card deck.) i really should do a fresh spread, but i have been drawing strength from these cards as reflections of me. i am hoping i can believe this of myself. i totally see the green man in me…but i worry i need more of the empress; more of the eagle.
maybe that is the message. to embrace these things that i fear i am lacking.

hmmm.

hear me roar

i need my feminine
side
to support me
to nurture me
to accept me for who i am
to hold me
& whisper
“you are not a fraud;
you are not an imposter”
i need my masculine side
to get things done
to move me forward
to forge my path
to strike down my demons
& scream
“you are not a fraud;
you are not an imposter”

or vice-versa…i mean the feminine can be just as bad ass as the masculine & the masculine is capable of nurturing. i was just generalizing for the sake of balance within myself. just trying to get things moving.

one two three four

one two three four
moving forward on my path
one two three four
the numbers on my clock
when i wake in the night
one two three four
leadership
building something magical
with your life
one two three four
the number of words written
one two three four
the universe assuring me
i actually do know
what the fuck
i am doing.

after several days of seeing “1234” everywhere i looked. i checked out this website to find out why i might be seeing these numbers everywhere. if you’re witchy like me or believe in powers beyond yourself, you tend to respect numerology & look/listen for signs.
since writing this art journal page, i have not seen the numbers again–which i assume means the message was received. assume it means i can keep to this path i have made for myself in faith that i really am going somewhere on it.
so that’s pretty groovy.

**i also noticed that after days of inkings looking vacant–looking inward…i inked someone with some focus.

the river

yesterday
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
too witchy
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.

then i thought
you know
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
right?

ha!

then i was fine with it.

and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.

so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?

so tomorrow i see dusty
very briefly
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.

and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
(abridged)
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”

so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.

and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.

inkstainriver

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