happy winter solstice!

i have a bit of range
in my style…
not everything is a vomiting
of my demons…
this time of year
i come out of my comfort zone a bit
to send out solstice greetings.

happy winter solstice everyone! may your hearts & lives be full of warmth, light, & love this season!

“winter welcome” ink on watercolor paper…9X12…$35

dark places

i haven’t been journaling or doing much of anything
other than binge-watching preacher
& staring at walls
i know this will pass
but it is so thick
& hard to see through
when i am in the midst of it

i tried to do a spell
to break free of the psychic attacks & negative energy
from dear old dusty
as well as setting a course for a magical life
i chose this guy as my companion

i keep drawing him
& hoping the spell takes hold

i hope to finish a commissioned piece today
& to work on more art to put over
at my etsy store
(i did open an etsy store!)
& i did finish a piece for one of my patrons
(become a patron & get original art!)

but there are two more episodes of preacher
& though the sun has finally come out
i am still wallowing in a dark place

wanted: strong & silent type

this guy showed up in my tarot spread a couple of days ago in the “near future” position of my celtic cross spread.
he could either indicate something to be found inside me (self-reliance, closeness to nature, steady & practical) or he could indicate someone coming into my life.
please please please be my punk rock lumberjack poet! my own sweet shepherd.
i can live alone. i can do this. i can sort of be practical if i have to be, but i don’t wanna. i really really don’t wanna.

i read in the empath survival guide that there are three kinds of partners for the full blown empath (me.)
they are the intellect, the empath, and the strong, silent type.
i want door number three.
i argue with intellects; i don’t think i could deal with another empath; i need my lumberjack.

once upon a time i married a strong, silent type. a nice earthy earth sign (taurus.) it was nice. he had his room; i had mine. we ate together–but different meals (he was all meat & potatoes–i am fanatic about veg.) we would go out to live music shows & have cocktails & he would take me out to eat all the time (i like being fed.)
problem was, he didn’t know what to think of me.
and my empathic abilities could not deal with his waffling on whether or not he wanted to be with me.
he pulled away, and i pulled away even further.
like to another state.

but i think that he is the closest to a stable relationship that i have experienced.
fire signs ravage me & leave nothing behind.
air signs irritate me & make me want to do things jut to spite them.
other water signs are fun…but too much of the same leaves no room for passion.
earth signs. they sometimes irritate me too–because they are so fucking stubborn…but they also help ground me.
something i do need.

so, universe, if you are listening. i am ready for my punkrock lumberjack poet now.
thank you

happy imbolc

both blue
& i
saw our shadows
confirming
that we are halfway between
the winter solstice & the spring
equinox
but considering it was 20 below
just three days ago
& is now 40 above…
who the fuck knows
what spring has in mind
for us
nevertheless
happy imbolc!

a slightly tilted me

something about me is off
a shifting
my magic is askew
yesterday
i was ignored by a librarian
& rebuffed by a mechanic
normally
strangers are strangely nice to me
yesterday…not so much
yesterday i forgot & left the lid
off of one of my temperamental pens
so intent i was on doing battle against
naughty cats
& my pen dried out
& my other pen wouldn’t work
& i felt as if my hands were cut off
yesterday i kept trying to continue a conversation
that i don’t know why i’m having it
but i keep trying to connect
where maybe there is no connection
maybe i am a solitary
witch
& maybe i mess it up
by fighting it
by always fighting
my life & ways….

i recently ordered a new copy of everyday magic & gave my old copy to my son. i ordered a used copy of it and when it arrived there were post-it notes marking all of the love spells. it’s weird. you would think that whoever brought in the used books would have removed all of these post-its. they are sticking out of the book all over the place…. i felt sad for the previous owner of the book. so desperate to find love…and apparently she gave up.
then i started to wonder. maybe the post-its are for me? maybe i was sent a book full of love spells for a reason? maybe i am doing this all wrong? my life….

i feel like i am doing everything all wrong lately.
trying to online date. exposing myself to the callousness of strangers. making myself too too too vulnerable.
trying to connect with people on facebook (yes, i am back on facebook because i am trying to promote mistress of mud–a lovely lovely book i illustrated)
however, i joined a women homesteaders group recently on facebook. because, well, i’m a woman. i homestead. i am desperate for community. and then i’m over-connecting. it’s weird. this fine line for me. wanting to connect…but not wanting so much exposure. wanting to be noticed while i stay safely invisible.
commenting & posting, i feel over-connected.
exposed.
and i start to wonder if i should just say “fuck it” & get off of this over-connected mass of loneliness we call the internet. live in real time.
(but here i am…blogging about it instead)

and i was contacted by a guy on okcupid. it went against two of my rules for me to contact him back. his profile picture (& only one) was of him shirtless in bed. my “eww” rule. also, he had barely written anything on his profile & he had only answered the minimum of match questions. so i couldn’t do my “deal breaker” look-see in his match questions. like guys who don’t believe in evolution…or racist/sexist guys…or anti-feminism guys. that sort of thing. oh! guys who think you should never be comfortable farting around each other. what the what?
so i broke my rules to contact him back. why? he’s a redhead. something in the way he looks in what may or may not be his real profile picture.
so i message him to see what he wants.
he says he would “love” a conversation.
so i try to start one…& he won’t let me. every time i try to start a conversation, he responds in the bare minimum of words possible.

i think he might be an alien.

so that up thar is a picture of my first black lamb with her daddy. i always wanted a black lamb. ever since i was a little girl named “mary.”

IMG_0577

here is her twin with his mama.
lambs are so cute.
i look at them & think, “how am i supposed to eat you?”
like i’m the big bad wolf.

so i need to figure out what is askew in my energy. too much alcohol while the minions are away? over-exposing my solitary witchy ways to the world at large via internet? still not being able to embrace chaos though i have cats & kids & goats eager to be my companions on that path? running away from myself?
am i running away from myself?
who am i?
who am i?
what do i want?

fuck a duck.

three wise ones

i can’t tell you how excited i am about this picture.
how excited i am that the whole INKtober experience got me not only drawing every day but also doing a form of art that really resonates with me.
the ink blot
scrying in ink
form of drawing i have been doing.
so excited!

today!
today my three spirit animal guides showed up in my picture! i put paint on these pages. then i try to keep them away from the minions while they dry. then i pick them up. look at them. turn them. look at them again. turn them.
until i see something.
so i really do not know what i am going to draw each day.
it is an adventure.
as i said before
a meditation of sorts.

so i am pagan–which basically means i am of a nature religion. and i identify with celtic paganism because my ancestors come from western europe where the celts used to run wild before the romans conquered them and introduced catholicism.
anyhoo!
i am celtic/pagan. and i read tarot and use medicine cards and look for signs in the every day.
and in my art.
which i have come to feel is my magic
(along with cooking & gardening)

so that’s why i am in love with today’s drawing.
the dog, the bear, and the hawk.
they are my spirit guides.
my familiars.
their visit today in my picture is a comfort to me in a time of extreme doubt.
so it would be like if i were still catholic and found the virgin mary burned in my toast.
it’s like that.

(sorry for the trippy, new-agey blathering…i’m still punk rock.)

ps. more on the dork fest– i wanted to put symbols of the elements on the katana, so i googled “element symbols.” google offered a sub-topic of celtic¬†element symbols and i clicked it and found symbols for the elements that consist of spirals! if you look at my art–i love spirals. i often try to incorporate spirals in my work. they actually calm me down. so! are my ancestors speaking to me through my art?
discuss it amongst yourselves.

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