room with a view

baby
it’s cold outside
yet the birds 
that flutter outside my window 
as i write & draw & dream
don’t seem 
to even know 
i saw a hawk take one out 
the other day 
a streak of brown 
in a white background
and dinner was served 
today 
a vole runs back & forth 
across the snow 
gathering the sunflower seeds 
i threw 
to the juncos
such
determination
& my
undying
admiration.

i get excited whenever i take a selfie that doesn’t look like crap…so, here’s an ink-free self-portrait.

the dead of winter

after a quiet start to winter, central illinois got a snowy blowy storm that dumped like 8 inches & then sculpted those inches into knee deep drifts that have turned my yard into an obstacle course requiring a workout just to get to the goats & ducks.

also, i had to dig out my driveway, both for the mail delivery person as well as for my own plans to ever leave the house. i don’t have a snowblower or a plow. i did it by hand & was more than impressed with how strong i am as well as how fit yoga has kept me. i don’t even have a sore back.

this morning we got the added element of frosting on all the trees & bushes & anything sitting still enough to be frosted.

color me lonely

if lonely is a color
surely it is black
wait
or gray
gray like that shirt
that makes me feel
institutionalized
not orange 
like my favorite
swanky 
sweater
if lonely is a sound
it has string
instruments
definitely
string instruments
maybe vocalizations
but
no words
if lonely is season
it is
late
fall
i know you would say
mid winter
but
late fall
is when everything
leaves.

flying leaves & falling birds

i am so in love
with this time
of the year
when i cannot tell
if the leaves are falling
or the birds are flying
because the trees
are so full of both
fluttering birds
beautiful decay
the trees
wishing well
to both as they let go
i need to
let go
as the days
grow short & gloomy
the nights
grow clear & crispy
i breathe
easy
it is time to rest
no one
expects
anymore
i can let myself
breathe
all
is
quiet.

sometimes my “poems” change when i move them from script to text. sometimes they don’t, but sometimes they do. the art journal page is a rough draft. i sometimes make a final draft…sometimes i don’t. these pages are thoughts & possibilities for something more. experiments. works in progress.
like me.

talk to me

yesterday
while i was cursing & fighting ice
to give water to my livestock
i stepped on a frozen chicken egg
you know what?
it looked almost exactly like a squashed
cadbury egg…except no chocolate.

i should have taken a picture
but i am one of the only people
without a smart phone
so my life goes largely
undocumented.

i quit facebook
again
so now y’all are going to have to hear
random thoughts from me.
or not
but would a conversation kill you?

cagey

as faux spring passes back into winter
i enjoy the brisk wind
as it pushes against me
and the fire of my brain calms
as my minions go off
to stay with their dad
i embrace my simple solitude
venturing out of the house
only to prove i can.
the anger has softened
the moon is new
i feel,
once again,
like i can handle life.

cagey3

i think it was really tearing me apart that i wanted to celebrate spring, but the spring i wanted to celebrate was actually a dangerous thing that could really fuck up the growing season (not to mention the world)…those beautiful warm days were a bitter reminder that we have an administration in power that wants to go backwards at a time where even going forward isn’t going to stop the damage that has been done. but it’s forward…not backward.

i mean, it’s hard to imagine people of this country, people of the world, embracing a carbon-free lifestyle…i mean, that was difficult enough…now knowing that there are people in power who want to fuck it all the fuck up….

it’s too much for me.

cagey2

warm days in winter spell death to me…not temporary spring…but death.

so as much as i wanted to enjoy those days of 60 & 70 degree weather. it was killing me.

so now that it is cold again, i feel like i can breathe again.
coincidentally, my minions went away to see their dad for a week just as the weather turned cold again.
and i feel like i can breathe again.

i love my minions…but often question whether i can be a mom or not. do i have it in me? was it a mistake? and why even wonder about this when i have four kids and it’s not like i can just say, “hey! do-over!”

but then they go away and i wonder how i would exist without them.

cagey1

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