without feathers

without feathers
i watch the snow fall
around me
“i love the snow,”
i say quietly
and try to keep from
crying
without feathers
i battle the demons
inherited from my
father
mother
relationships taking
wrong turns
down one-way streets
“i want to live,”
i try to convince myself
i feel in my heart
intense hope
and bottomless
sorrow
and i continue my journey
without
feathers.

to keep my heart safe from dusty, i find i have to remember things i would rather forget.
some of you were with me during the really really awful bad terrible fucked-up hello kitty catastrophe.
you know, when dusty started dating a 30 year old in a hello kitty backpack while he was living with me?
how she would come to our apartment & hide in the bushes & wait for him? how she would write graffiti about the two of them on the bike paths around where we lived?
how she gave him a phone so they could “sext” each other?
how he would sneak off to see her & leave me alone pregnant…with a newborn…and his three other children?
how i would happen across the two of them…how i developed an anxiety whenever i left the house that i would see them somewhere, together?
how i would constantly find fucked-up little gifts & notes from her to him on our front step or hanging from the trees around our home?
how he refused to leave madison with me & the kids because he wanted to stay near her?

sigh.

this is what i have to replay in my head.
the cold way he would look at me when i happened upon them somewhere near our house, embraced.
the way he shoved me when i tried to find out what was going on between them & behind my back.
sitting alone in a courtroom waiting to find out what would happen to me for having a public & profane breakdown.
finding out, too late, from people i thought were friends that this had been going on when i was being told it was not.

this is what i am trying to recover from. among other things. meanwhile, dusty keeps trying to creep back in. still blaming me & telling me what a cold heart i have for not loving him.

i’m tired, y’all.
i’m tired of doing everything alone as he watches & complains that he isn’t being included when i would love to include him–but instead feel it necessary to protect myself from him. i never wanted to do this alone. every day as i struggle to take care of four kids & homestead & have time to myself to do art & to try to keep from losing my mind but losing my mind because i never seem to get time to re-charge because there is always something that needs doing…someone who needs me….

sigh.

i really like this self-portrait.
i think i should take the ones i feel strongest about and do them on a good watercolor paper. this one…i really like it.

ps. so i worked on this last night while watching the netflix original movie a futile & stupid gesture based on the life of doug kenney (who founded national lampoon)…. i totally recommend it. it made me both laugh & sob–which is my criteria for a good story. it also made me think that maybe it is a good thing that i am largely unrecognized for my art, etc. i mean, these depressed & damaged people who make it big & realize that it fixes nothing & end up killing themselves because they still feel like failures….

so today i am thankful that i have never been successful enough to feel like an utter failure.
yay.

blowing smoke

i don’t usually use the white ink
in my set of inks
because
i can’t quite wrap my head around
how ink can be white.
i can accept yellow ink…but white?

however,
as you can see in the ink stain

img_2877

what will become the girl’s face
is too dark for ink to show up on
so i needed to lighten it a bit
to add features

also!
as usual
i forgot the wings on the dragon
this is a reoccurring mistake for me
which is weird
because i add wings to every other creature
so why can’t i remember that dragons
are actually supposed to have wings?

i blame dusty
right?
he is year of the dragon
and only thinks all dragons
have to have wings
chinese dragons don’t have wings,
i tell him.
but he won’t accept wing-less dragons
so maybe i am subconsciously trying to spite him….
could be.

anyhoo.
so i had to use white to create a wing
for my poor
wingless
dragon.

i had something really cool in my head,
but i wasn’t sure how to make it happen.
so the wings are what they are.
but at least they are there
ish.

i really like hand puppets.
and monkeys.

i’m also very tired.
i played in the snow for two hours
and scanned all of my october & november inkings
today.
i’m a tired,
but my plant beds are all covered, the sheep have more pasture,
and i am in a better position to print up art work!

so let me know if you want some art.
some whimsical
inky
art.

 

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