character

i don’t like feeling
i am a character
in a story
i did not write.

i prefer my own narration. in my narration i am a total rockstar…. but then there are those days where the narrative is that i am a fucktard with body image issues & a complete lack of faith in myself. the person that will die alone. disillusioned.
i don’t want to be that character.
i want to be the rockstar….

related? unrelated? i had a dream recently that seemed to go on all night long. it started as a standard slasher movie dream where the slasher was terrorizing the general public & dismembering pretty much everyone.
i was running for my life, terrified.
but by the end of the dream, i was having a conversation with the slasher. he was no longer a slasher, just some guy not killing everyone in sight.
and i was no longer terrified.
i am thinking it is as simple as this: face your fears…they might not be that scary.
right?

does that mean i have to start promoting myself?
i guess we will see….

free flying

so many times
of my angel & demon
fighting
for the dominant
shoulder
my thinking
i’m a terrible person
when i let my
demon
fly free
…now
i find myself

thinking
“huh”
maybe my demon
should
have the reins
maybe my demon
knows
best.

i am not sure my demon knows best. some pretty dark thoughts have rattled around in my head these past few days. long story short, demons & motherhood are a dangerous mix….
but i do value my demons. i always have. they have some great ideas & give my life so much texture & color!
they do get me in trouble…but now i find myself wondering if that is so bad. maybe creating a little trouble is a good thing. shaking things up. maybe if i didn’t fear the opinions of others & worry that i am upsetting someone or another….
yup. still doing the dance of finding balance. of finding me.

dreaming

dreams tumbling
like stones in a river
though i pick through them
admiring the swirls
& colors
i toss them back
into the river
watching
the ripples….
i know
who
i am.

a friend of mine is having some serious ancestral dreams & dreams of spirit animals…
i was feeling a little envious…but, then again, i am ten years her senior & have been doing a buttload of work of my own.
maybe i don’t need my ancestors to talk to me right now.
maybe i know who i am.

(some handy fairies today)

stronger than i know

i am stronger
than i know
i have done things
most people
avoid
i challenge
the world around me
i ask questions
i expect
the truth
i expect
loyalty & compassion
i am stronger
than you know
i will not
stop
challenging
the world
around me.

this occurred to me the other day. it’s funny, i just do what i do…but then i look around and realize that i’m doing things most people choose not to do because it might be too much work or too daunting…etc.
i’m not trying to brag…i’m trying to make myself realize i am much more fantastic than i give myself credit to be.

bit of a series happening with the handy angels

homesteading blues

as i try to figure out
where i want to be
who i want to be
who i am…
shopping for a new home
means leaving behind some things
i love
but regret i could not love
enough
once upon a time
i was a girl with a gentle spirit
who loved animals
but that spirit was cruelly
broken
& now i am so conflicted
am i a homesteader?
or an urbanite?
can i be both?
can i live without
wide open spaces?
can i thrive
without a ready
community?

i cannot imagine myself staying here without going completely fucking nuts…but when i go to list my critters on craigslist, i struggle to imagine a life without them.
except that it would be a life with less things to worry about.
and that does sound nice.
but no geese wandering through my front yard? no goats taking care of the lawn for me? no ducks randomly flying onto the roof? no turkey to be ambassador to my property?

of course, i have no where to go right now. i just know i cannot stay here. i looked into intentional communities, but all of the ones equipped to house a family our size, are way way too expensive for this mom who does not prioritize income.

status: sort of coping…how are you?

i am trying not to spin out. i’m at one of those–“no wait, this is the first day of the rest of my life” moments.
again…right?
everything i have read today on wordpress has me thinking:

1.) well, i’m not alone
2.) wow, they wrote it so much better

so i’m waffling between it being pointless for me to contribute to an already strong tide of writing…and wanting to jump in & share my uniquely similar thoughts & experiences.

so i wrote a few pages.
but i also have a sink full of dirty dishes.
a carpet that has forgotten what the vacuum sounds like.
a pile of cucumbers on the table demanding i do–what–pickles? why do i have so many cucumbers?
laundry laundry laundry!
a 12 year old glaring at me because i used my sense of humor for parenting & did it wrong.
a 10 year old who wants me to go outside & bounce a tennis ball with him or it is further proof that i do not love him.
a four year old who desperately requires routine so it is imperative that after he poops i must not only wipe his bottom but also foot-race him down the hallway after he flushes.
and a six year old…wait…where’s my six year old? i should probably know where my six year old is….

so
i re-posted a couple of poems that i wish i had written (coming soon–my book, a collection of poems i wish i had written)
and maybe later i will get around to drawing some journal pages?
maybe?

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