just knock

i need my walls
i need a safe space
to retreat to
when i need
to retreat
&
i’m not one of those people
who’s door is always
open
i do totally shut
my door
but if you knock
i will probably
let you in.

true story.
i tried to take those walls down & bad things happen. like when you remove a weight bearing wall in your house thinking it will open things up & all of a sudden your roof has fallen in?
like that.
so i’m keeping my walls, but, hey, knock & i might let you in.

scared silly

yeah i’m scared
i’m totally terrified
but
does that mean
i want to hide away
for the rest
of my
life
or!
do i want to
take a chance
& risk
another
broken
heart?

more thoughts on dating & relationships & venturing out from behind my walls…my glorious walls….

my wonderful walls

you know what
my walls are awesome
art deco
& mosaic
i should not just try
to knock them down
they protect
the garden of me
my life story
written
on those walls
my life’s work
written
into the stone
& sand
of them
my inner warrior
stands
at the garden gate
& my attempts
to break the walls down
casues her
to become
even more feral
& foreboding
but respect those walls
you & me
& that warrior
might just
grant you access
might just
show you her smile.

so trying to break down walls was a bit of the wrong direction. my walls are there for a reason. i might need to meditate on opening doors rather than tearing down an essential part of me.

random thoughts in order of appearance pretending to be cohesive

i love the wide open sky
but i miss the energy
of a city
i love the peace & the quiet
but i miss the sparkle
of a city
i am alone
lonely & isolated
i want to find
my strong & broken poet
a kindred spirit
someone who knows how
to love me
someone who lets me
love them
i miss adventures
i miss roaming
i miss possibilities
i built a fence
i fashioned my life
into a prison
that requires me to use
old escapes
built using things i love
it took me a while
to realize
the walls
were there
but now that i see them
i can walk
right
out.

i totally started writing a journal page in my head last night as i lay in bed. then i put it on a mental post-it note which apparently has fallen off of my brain desk & fluttered away.
i need a bedside notepad. for real this time.

today i voted (yes!), donated clothes, recycled, and cleaned out my soul. okay–it’s a kia soul which i had accidentally infested with mice while taking my recycling to the drop off. credit to messy minions, there was enough food on the floor & seat of my car to feed a small family of mice for quite some time.
i also thought about picking up a homeless/nomadic man. i am assuming here that he was homeless. he had the homeless vibe, layers of clothes, a huge backpack, enjoying a salad while sitting on the sidewalk…. he was easily the most physically attractive hobo i have ever seen.
and i dig a guy who has needs.
it’s the cancer in me. i want to nurture. so i see some man who seems to need some nurturing & i get all soft in the head. for example, everyone i have ever dated…except for one guy.
i had a total fantasy about taking the hot hobo home & putting him to work–kind of a my man godfrey┬áthing.
by the time i had almost reached my house, i had convinced myself he was my soulmate, & i had totally blown it by not inviting him over.

honestly, i don’t know if this is a desirable personality trait of mine or an undesirable one. or if it even matters.

today is a bit of a ramble.
i am sober for over a week now (vs. my two beer a day habit)–for health & money reasons.
i am also trying to quit my netflix habit which is getting out of control, & i have serious issues with the quality of shows i am willing to binge lately.

the minions are gone away…& i don’t know how to play…but i do have art to do. so i will get to it.

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