value impaired

i don’t value myself.
why don’t i value myself?
how do i learn to value myself?

case in point. yesterday i realized i had no idea where i had left the box full of my books i have available for sale should someone want an autographed copy.
i searched for over an hour, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
i eventually found the box being used to prop up my daughter’s doll house.
nice.
so how do i learn to value myself? why do i continue to make myself the lowest priority? the last person i will support?
fuck me.
(wait! don’t fuck me–be nice to me! believe in me, goddammit)

call me

chunky mother of four ISO punkrock feminist lumberjack
i am feral with bouts of rabies
wicked smart
creative as fuck
prone to shaving my head but nothing else
great smile
nice tits & ass…

i wrote this as yet another attempt to invite romance into my life. i recently sent it to a boy who invited me to flirt with him…and it got grossly misinterpreted. he started sending me the nastiest emails. i tried to go along & tried to tap into my inner slut…but i am no longer fuckbuddy material (if i ever was.) i had to make it clear to him that i needed a lot more from any relationship than just some dirty talk. not that i was opposed to the dirty talk…i just want more from life than that.
so i told him.
and he ran away.
which is okay because i have a lot on my plate right now. a suicidal sister camping out on my couch & four insane minions & an offer in on a house that is a “craftsman special”…plus my usual mental health issues…a new book coming out…and life the universe & everything.
so if said boy can’t play…i can take my toys and go home and wait for jason mantzoukas.

weighing my heart to find my worth

so i ordered a painting from an artist i adore on instagram
she paints portraits of women from 1950s yearbooks 
but adds bruises & blood to their smiling faces
the piece i bought 
however
was a watercolor heart and a parrot
a very small piece
i did not realize how small until it arrived
but i did not regret the money i spent
because the painting makes me happy
& she included an additional small painting 
of a hawk
& she is a wonderful artist
with a unique eye

two days after i paid $45 for  her 3″x 3″ painting, i sold 10 of my sea creature cards for just $5 a card. 
granted, i sold them to a friend & had not agreed on a price before hand. 
but, i realized
i am totally worth more.

my kids yelled at me when i told them how much i paid for the watercolor–not because i spent money that we do not have on art–but because i am not asking for more for my own art. 

my problem is, i think i am worth the world, but i fear no one else feels that way.
which makes pricing my art, my creations, that much more difficult. 

in other news, my newest muse called for a squid to be added to my collection of sea creatures. 
i was skeptical. as much as i love squid they just remind me of penises (maybe that is why i love squid)
but i am totally in love with how this turned out.  

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