zen motherhood

my therapist is helping me a lot with my mothering struggles. he seems to be on my side. which is nice for a change. he says it’s okay that i lose my mind every once in awhile. he tells me i’m only human, & i’ve been trying to dig myself out of this ditch for a long time.

it’s weird that he is so nice to me. i’m not used to being validated.

meanwhile, i keep my eyes open for the julie andrews to my christopher plummer….

& over on my patreon site:

fallen some more

looking for that special someone

heart of squid

disappear

missionary man

all i want

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an open book

he says
i never told him
why
when actually
he just never
never listened
to all the times
& all the ways
i did tell him

i have always
been
an open book
that no one wants
to read
i make the words
louder
the pictures
brighter
only to have my cover
snapped
shut
that much quicker

i try so
so hard
to be seen
to be heard
fearing the attraction
i have never gotten
but craving
that
validation
so badly
so fucking
badly

this was originally posted in may of 2018. i re-did the illustration. now it is another finished piece for my the invisible exhibitionist project.  it was based on an egon schiele painting.

yellow!

i don’t like all of the pictures i do. i put them up whether i like them or not. but i don’t like them all. i am always surprised when someone loves one of the pictures that i hate.

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i guess it just goes to show how different we all really are.

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then i am equally surprised when a drawing i love & cherish gets no reaction at all. then i start digging around for approval…and am devastated if i cannot drum up the enthusiasm from others that i feel for my art.

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it feels like a rejection of me.

yellow4

so how come when someone embraces a picture i make that i deem ugly & unworthy, that doesn’t somehow validate the part of me that feels unlovable?

it’s a puzzle.

in case you are wondering. this is one of the ones that i love. so i will wait
quietly
impatiently
urgently
desperately
for y’all to sing it’s praises….

so i can feel like i matter.

(no pressure)

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