after all this time
because of everything
i just can’t believe i am the kind of person
who deserves to be loved
i see someone i would like to call
i worry they will find their true love
i can convince them
to love me.
look how pretty i am.
when i met dusty, i believed in my heart i was the wrong one for him. we worked together in this restaurant and there was a girl there who did not work for the restaurant, but was a care-taker for a mentally challenged man who worked with us. i thought she would be the perfect one for dusty. i believed he was a better person than me and that he deserved a better person than me. i worried he would one day realize this.
so i have a small crush on someone i follow on instagram and when i went to follow a woman i know, i–all of a sudden–was convinced that she was the perfect one for my crush & that if i followed both of them they would somehow meet & realize this.
i have serious issues.
i am happy to report that i decided to follow her despite my feelings of inadequacy.
my heart breaks
you can make me
you aren’t special
strangers love me better
than my friends do
strangers offer me smiles
don’t make eye contact
walk away slowly
“it was good to see you”
“maybe next year”
as my tears are not worth
& my cries
are never heard
if i were a dude
the brontes would write a book about me
but i’m a chick…so i just get ostracized
for my anger.
smile, it’s not so bad.
smile, you’re beautiful when you smile.
smile, don’t you know anger is pointless?
you mean, anger is not” feminine”
if i were a dude,
i could start a war with all this anger in me
and i would be lauded for my bravery &
but i’m a chick.
an angry chick.
and that is only cute for a minute or two
depending on how cute i am.
then it becomes something
you walk away from.
everyone walks away
is that why i am so pissed off?
they say i “drove them away.”
they say i “put up walls.”
but what if i was pushing
so that you would pull me closer?
what if i put up walls
so you would knock them down?
then i would know
you really loved me.
i don’t believe anyone has ever loved me.
i really don’t.
i don’t believe my parents loved me.
the hordes of boyfriends…yes, hordes,
because when you’re looking for someone
to love you
you look everywhere
but non of them loved me
my dogs don’t even love me.
and if they tried,
i gave them reason not to love me.
i joked that i had kids
so that someone would love me best.
now i wait for the day
they realize what an asshole i am
and stop loving me.
i’m a fucked up mess. i read about empaths being “light bringers” but all i feel inside of me is darkness. deep & black & oozing. darkness. i want to forsake everything and embrace the darkness inside of me. i don’t know why i feel this way. maybe the older i get the crazier i get. i never felt this deep & dark before dusty got a hold of me. i had my anger. i had my feelings of being lost & unlovable, but i never had this darkness in me until he showed me exactly how little i meant to him…. and now i struggle to get him out of my life–out of my house, and i feel like i have no control of the situation. for a person like me, a lack of control is like being buried alive.
so maybe the anger is the only thing i have right now.
(this drawing is a watercolor i did for a class when i was journaling about the topic of my choice. i chose to journal about me as a mother.)