if only…

i don’t know why
some days
it hurts so much more than
other days
except
wait
it hurts
every day
it’s just that i don’t let myself
look
at it
every day
the potential
how good it
could
have been
what could
have
if only
if only

if only

the other morning, i was laying in bed with poppy. he started talking about looking for blackberries with his dad…and i started thinking about all the good things about his dad…all the things that made him perfect for me.
all the things that could have been.
you know
if he wasn’t also a narcissistic & emotionally abusive assfuck.
that stuff.
i always do it with my folks too.
who would i be today if i had had supportive parents? parents who loved me & supported me…instead of being, you know, narcissistic & emotionally abusive assfucks.
sigh.
those fucking “could have beens….”

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centaur heart

who would i be
if my tender heart
didn’t break so easily?
who would i be
if i didn’t fall in love
& love & love & love?
sometimes
i think
it would be nice to
find out
other times
i hope i never have to
find out

so i’ve drawn me as a mermaid, as a unicorn, and riding a dragon. i thought, you know what i haven’t been? a centaur.
yes.
a centaur.
misha says to me, “i love this picture so much.”
& that’s just the love i need.

dragon’s fire

so
yeah
the older boys wouldn’t let me play dungeons & dragons
with them…
but really i only wanted to play
because the neighbor boy was so
cute.
i’m not a fantasy nut.
okay…i watch game of thrones
but that is more for the story
than for the fantasy…
sure
i believe in fairies
& think hobbits have it going on…
but i’m not
you know
geeking out on it or anything.

i draw a lot of dragons.
and i might be feeling kind of conflicted about that.
i mean,
dragons?
really?
that’s just one step above unicorns.
i mean,
it’s kind of like unicorns for angry people.
(again, no offense to lovers of unicorns…and dragons)

i don’t know why dragons keep showing up in my art.
and i am feeling conflicted about it.
but at least dragons do kick some butt, you know.
except pete’s dragon.
oh elliot….
sigh.
so i guess i do like dragons.
ones that sing.
holy crap, which isn’t any better than unicorns.

(here’s my ink stain)

inkstaindragon

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