that’s not funny

so i keep looking for my true love by searching wordpress blogs using not-so-random key words because surely my true love blogs…

unless he is too busy lumber-jacking a sustainable forest….

and then i had a beer and started annoying jenny lawson…again (assuming she reads my sad attempts at getting her attention.) now i hate myself for it and just want to shut everything down. close down every social media outlet i have an account on. who do i think i am? why would anyone want to read my drivel? i’m no different. i’m not special. just another sad cog in a lopsided wheel.

some people, apparently, have long bouts of depression. my moods, however, spin–bob & weave–kick up dust before falling in the mud.
i’m a cancer with a moon in scorpio and scorpio rising. for those of you who aren’t astrology savvy, cancers & scorpios are both water signs, water equals emotion. so i’m like 99% emotion.

1% lumberjack.

i’m not trying to be funny. i am actually tired of me and the stupid things i say and my expecting people to actually listen to me. i tried to tweet today and now i hate myself. read the post from last week about my not being able to play the game. it’s like that. whenever i try to partake of social media, i just feel like a phony.

like the lumberjack comment? is that to get attention? or do i really like lumberjacks? i don’t know. where does the person end and the social media personality begin?

i try to be honest and to be real. but then i also want attention and an audience.

if i tell you that today i had to take a shower because i had gone so long without one that my hair hurt…is that my being honest or showcasing my neurosis? both? like it’s funny because it’s true? or if you can relate, that makes it funny?

i am tired of the narrator inside my head he/she is making my life into a bad tv show.

when i was a kid i thought my big sister was so funny. so i emulated her. i tried so hard to be funny. she wrote funny letters to her friends. so i wrote funny letters to my friends. i would try to be ridiculous on purpose.

what if it is all an act? what if i’m not funny.

but then there are those days, most days, where i crack myself up at least once. so at least one person thinks i’m funny. unless she is laughing at me, not with me…?

i had a snooty teacher in a writer’s workshop once assure me–when i said i did not think i would ever have a very big audience–that i was wrong. she told me i was funny and that funny sells.
in retrospect, i think she may have been insulting me in a very dodgy way.

but i will have the last laugh, rowan buchanan (if that was your real name)┬ábecause even if i am funny…no one takes me seriously.

(i don’t feel like drawing–so today you get a random collage i did for a digital media class back when i was an art student. i miss being an art student. and i really like buttons.)

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turkey trot

i’m feeling pretty defeated today.
i started out, this full moon, all hopeful & happy.
then i crashed.
i am angry. annoyed. short-tempered. self-sabotaging.
i am defeated.
i just want to give up. get rid of my dogs, sheep, & chickens. get rid of all the things that hold me in place. and float away. take my minions & hit the road. float through the universe.
i feel like my failure was complete before i even left my childhood.
i feel like i am an asshole.
always an asshole.
forever & ever after.
i feel like it is all pointless.

i suspect this is temporary. that i will feel better…maybe when the moon starts to wane?

god, i want a beer.
but i am so broke, i cannot afford beer.
so of course it is the one thing that i latch onto as a cure-all.
though it really wouldn’t be.
but, boy, could i go for a beer.

so i drew this.
i like it.
i liked my koala bears a lot. my yesterday drawing. but no one here did. and barely anyone on facebook. and twitter is just a vacuum i scream into.
i’m feeling pretty defeated.
no one loves me.
no one loves my art.
i am alone.
so i checked out of facebook. cancelled my twitter account. i am still here…but rapidly losing hope.
no one loves me.
and when i feel isolated, i hide.
and when i’m feeling invisible, i make sure i am.
it’s one of those days.
hopeless
loveless
defeated.

usually after i post here. i also post on my fb page for my blog. then on my own fb page. then on twitter.
tonight, this is my only posting of this picture.
god, i feel ridiculous.
why would anyone even want to do this?

if you do like my drawing, throw me a goddamned bone.
i’m drowning in self-pity here.
& misery.

i just ordered all the minions to bed because i am irritable and do not understand why i can’t have the space to work on art without being bumped and annoyed by the minions. so i snapped & sent them to bed. iggy screamed, “i hate you.” and i wanted to scream back, “that’s okay. i hate me too.”

oh…here’s the ink stain–though it’s a cut off shot of it. sorry. i suck today.
tomorrow….
let’s just see about tomorrow.

inkstains-4

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