“If you don’t release something voluntarily, it will cause you pain when it is snatched from you against your will.”
this card was driving me crazy because sometimes it feels like all i do is let things go. what else can i let go of? then i caught myself going to a dark dark place when i saw a friend’s loving post about his wife. right? why should that cause me pain?? and that is when i realized what i needed to let go of my fantasy that i had once had true love & had lost it through carelessness… to stop being angry & depressed about losing something that was never mine to begin with.
i have let you go
so many times
i am not sure
i know how
to hold on
i have spent so much
so much
of my life
trying to get you
out
of my heart
what if the door
has finally
closed
but it’s okay
you know
it’s okay
if you never come back
if you never
come back to me
i always have my next life
i know in
one of these lives
i will get it right
in my next life
surely
you will be
mine.
originally posted on february 9th, 2018 & a blatant rip-off of egon schiele
another one for the invisible exhibitionist…. my exes can all fight about which one of them this is about because since writing this, i have decided i do not want to see any fucking one of them in my next life. they all can just fuck the fuck off. i plan to enjoy my next life–free of narcissistic assholes.
i like how just turning the smile up a tinge gave this a whole different look…i look like a dreamy fucking twat who would totally wait lifetimes for assholes.
i might need a nap…or some whiskey….
so i watched the 80’s movie tootsie with my boys last night. it was way way better than i remember it being.
i didn’t remember all the feminist awesome-ness of it. i didn’t remember the main character being such a womanizer & doing a 180 when he began pretending to be a woman (due to being such a devoted character actor, i’m assuming.)
i totally didn’t remember the scene with bill murray’s character coming home to stop the co-worker from raping dustin hoffman’s character and dustin hoffman saying, “there is nothing funny about sexual assault,” when bill murray’s character jokingly calls him a slut.
a good movie to watch with one’s young adult children…even though there is an occasional “fuck you” (PG rating though!) …but it’s not like my kids don’t hear stuff like that out of my potty mouth (what? no!)
so there is my 80’s movie review for this post….
speaking of inappropriate behavior from men, it has been drawn to my attention that a certain ex in-law of mine has been reading my blog–probably in order to stalk my sister or just to be icky.
so i just want to say–knock it the fuck off. try being a decent human being for a change.
steam rises from the fields as spring rain mixes with winter earth & my heart turns in circles thinking of you i can smell the ground warming preparing itself for growth & green & everything spring & my heart turns in circles thinking of you each day grows longer a full moon wanes to new & my heart turns in circles thinking of you.
nothing like spring to fuck with one’s love hormones. i made this postcard to send to someone who has probably forgotten me, but it’s my party, i can obsess if i want to. & i’m not obsessing, really, i just have to put those spring hormones somewhere…& i have no where else to put them. (i already quit okcupid again) so what’s a harmless crush on someone? so what’s a harmless postcard just to say “hi”? i know…famous last words…. but, after all, the dodo bird is my spirit animal.
i just got a phone call from my mom to let me know she will be selling the house out from under me. i kinda saw this coming & was planning to leave anyway & there is no love lost between us…but fuck me my heart hurts right now. she has no problem tossing out her single-mother daughter & her four grandchildren. at least she had the decency not to say “i love you” at the end of the conversation. & she did call to let me know she would be selling the house instead of just doing it–my kids have been fearing that we will come home to another family living here….
meanwhile… here are some glimpses of stuff going on on my patreon page….
lately i have been thinking of life like the princess & the pea no– the pea is not for me you see i know i am a princess a true one at that for look how easily my skin bruises not to mention my heart… the pea is for every man i encounter i hand him my pea to see who he will be but so far i have found more frogs than princes.
this one cracks me up. but it’s true. i will think, “hey, he’s kinda cute.” then he will do just one thing wrong, and i will be like, “eww. what did i see in him?” just little things too. it might just because i am of a certain age with a certain history of dating any fucking mo who came along. i think i wrote about this the other day. probably after i had written this page. everyone’s a bit of a disappointment to me right now. yet still i wait to be crushed by the one who can’t sleep a wink because my pea is too hard. (what??) speaking of, i am goofing off over on okcupid again. why? boredom? desperate but not serious? longing for a deep conversation with a nice pair of eyes?
oh! in other news, do not read rick springfield’s memoir–it’s a real stinker. like i have to tell you that.
i don’t like the way my heart quickens when i see your name i don’t like that my first instinct is to hide the crazy to trod gently to not scare you away i don’t like the yearning i feel when i see your eyes when i read your words… the last thing i need is another broken heart.
this was originally posted on july 24, 2018. i used bamboo pen on the re-do. i really like it. i am hoping to get enough of these together that i can publish a book of self-portraits & free verse. so stay tuned.
this morning i was heavy with dreams. usually i wake up and can’t fall back asleep even though i don’t want to get out of bed. this morning, even if i tried to wake up, i was pulled back into dreams. my dreams did not want to let me go. they were fun too. i had moved back to austin, texas & was having romantic trysts with two of my more tragic crushes. ah…yummy.
this was written as i was considering having a crush on someone. however, that person kept being such a bonehead that i could not fully fall head over heels for him. that’s the problem with crushes. i’m fickle, & they usually piss me off before i can be completely crushed.
after writing about needing some mad love so i can lose some weight…i started thinking about my crushes. other than johnny shipley, in all my years of tripping into love, there is only one other crush who did not end up disappointing me & still holds a bright spot in my heart. jimmy phillips. ah…he was a sweet one. even though he borrowed my toothbrush & then told me it was time to get a new toothbrush…he was still too good to be true. maybe if it’s the right guy, nothing will disappoint me. then again, both jimmy & johnny ran for the hills after just a short romantic interlude with me. maybe i only fall for impossible men…but that’s a post for another day.
so there’s the tough bit, y’all. i fall in love easily…but i fall right back out again almost just as quick. poop.
in a moment of quiet i try to conjure you your face your eyes how it will feel to be near you but i am quickly surrounded by the ghosts of boyfriends past & i find myself taking inventory… did i love any of them or did i just love the idea of being loved? the few i can remember loving were just whispers in the wind of the storm of my life…. mostly i surrendered to pretty faces who made me feel i must be valuable surely i am valuable if they want me.
more borrowing from gustav klimt for the illustration.
seriously. when i think back to the 30+ men who have worked as chapters of my life…i cannot remember if i actually loved them. was i actually attracted to them? i can count on one hand the number of them that i did feel drawn to–and those were some of the shortest chapters. did i scare them away with my intensity? did it just become safer & easier to let myself be adored than to seek out & ultimately be rejected by the men i adored? the ones i adored were mostly broken men. men with a sadness about them. a beautiful sadness…. those were my muses. and they all slipped away from me, leaving me in a pool of narcissists. sigh. i can’t say that the men i chased would have worked out any better than the ones i let catch me. they were probably right to steer clear of me. i would have just broken them more. (not on purpose–i’m just made that way.)
so i don’t know what to imagine for the one who will love me as i love him. the one who won’t leave; the one i will not leave…other than a punk rock, lumberjack poet. surely a punk rock, lumberjack poet.
i finished my journal that i started on november 2nd of last year…which means i will be updating my “invisible exhibitionist” page.
i can feel you in my bones like a nostalgia you can wear snug & warm comforting but suffocating i can feel you & i watch for you to somehow wander back into my life while telling myself to knock it the fuck off i can feel you in the tears i can no longer cry but still do i can feel you like an impending thunderstorm the smell of rain anticipation hope.
it has been almost five months since i have looked at his instagram. but i did look, after the dreams started. and he is in illinois. chicago, at least. and i can imagine him coming to see me. i can imagine it so vividly. the look on his face what he would say….
there are just two men whom i have actually, truly loved out of the dozens–yes dozens–of men whom i have known, you know, biblically…. once loved…always loved. that’s how i know the love was (is) true. how do you forget something like that?
you don’t.
it pops up in your dreams to haunt you & you find yourself doodling him as the leia to your luke. (before it was known they were actually siblings)
obviously
i cannot come up with the
magic words
that will induce you
to talk to me again…
& maybe
maybe
you should tell me to “stop”
but i am pretty sure
my heart
would turn to dust
if you did
so i keep trying
some crazy stalker chick
to get your attention
recognizing
that you must know
my being ignored
only encourages me more
as i grew up
pretending
hostile silence
was actually deep
affection
a character flaw
i really need to out grow
& totally would…
but it’s you
it’s you
& i can’t stop
i can’t
please
please please please
talk to me
please
please.
it’s my birthday & i can obsess if i want to.
you know, if i ever did become famous…or infamous (really it could go either way with me)…if i ever did become renowned, this obsession of mine will make a great made-for-tv movie.
my first poem & self-portrait have been posted–go check it out. also check out all the awesome writers posting on the literati mafia.
holy crap this is the longest i have spent on a drawing/ink painting in quite a bit. usually i spend about fifteen minutes on a journal page. but this one, i did a rough in my journal (as usual) and then spent time & used good paper to do a final. i like how it turned out. funny story…i was almost done and went to put away my black ink when–ah fuck! i spilled ink on the page i had been working so hard to make less messy than my usual. but i kind of like the ink spill. i am considering making it part of my signature on every piece from now on.
the poem is a bit different as well.
(and also the same)
it’s a little more disjointed than usual. i thought i should make it into a longer more prose-y piece, but after writing a longer more prose-y and cohesive piece, i decided i liked my disjointed verse better.
it’s the same story…but with a little more effort.
i wrote a little bit more on my memoir.
there is now a page eight and a page nine.
i wrote page nine (i had started but not finished page eight at the time) after waking up from a dream about him. the whole thing felt so delicious. you know those dreams.
and i looked in the mirror–and my hair (at least in my mind) was all like super sexy super model hair.
being one of those people who have few & far between “good hair days,” of course i took a picture.
my dream was so awesome, it gave me good hair.
that says something, right?
