pulled heart muscle

i overextended myself
did too much heavy lifting & threw out
my soul
too many visits outside my comfort zone
now all i can do
is hide
or cry
or vomit
…dealer’s choice

in exploring why i am crying anytime anyone talks to me and avoiding social interaction for several weeks now…i have come to a few conclusions. this is one. it is as true as any of my other observations about my current state of intentional isolation.
i’m hoping once i have it all figured out, i can once again venture out of my cave…carefully.

twisting

as i was watching the dust settle
a tornado came through
& sent it all spinning
again
the thoughts in my head like leaves
being pulled
into a black hole.

so i have been going through whatever i have been going through for way longer than i know what to do with. i have good-ish days, and then sink back down again.
i am convinced it is a sort of transformation. that is what i hope anyhow.
the past few days i keep accidentally putting my clothes on backwards. i wondered what the universe was trying to tell me & decided it was, “turn around, bright eyes.”
also!
i saw three robins yesterday…so, yeah, hope?

metaphorically

my soul turns to stone & it is impossible
to pick it up. my heart is slowly
sinking & i desperately look for
anything i can throw overboard
i am a hungry dog with a bone
–barely a bone even–
& i guard it with all i have left
of me because it is all i have left
of me.

this is my still trying to dig myself back up to the surface of me…and just going deeper & deeper instead. i was getting body work done when i started this thought in my head and it was all i could do to not just run screaming away from the appointment because it just wasn’t working. nothing was working. i feel this way, & i don’t know how to stop. i just have to write down what i am feeling and wait for the ebb to come.

poop!

transformation is not a beautiful unfolding
it is not a gentle opening
transformation is violent & ugly & overwhelming
i feel like i am going to explode
am i going to explode?
i want to scream & bit & thrash & kick it all down.
i want to eat the world & make it my poop.

yup. that about sums it up. i am going through so much right now. so much. my brain is a bee hive that has been knocked over by a sleuth of bears. i am trying to survive being knocked over as well as trying to scare away those bears. and save my honey. rebuild my hive. protect my queen. so much to do just to survive the right now!
yup, that is the metaphor i am going with.

my conflict

i am two of cups–balance–crossed by nine of cups–success.
what? how can my conflict be success, i think just before a heartfelt compliment, feelings of progress,
& a night out with friends sends me into a downward spiral.
oh
so that’s how.
i think, remembering the therapist who would warn me before giving me a compliment after she realized
i reacted the same to nice words as i did to bad ones.

i am still reeling, i’m afraid. over a week after i wrote this post. i am still struggling to believe i am a good & productive person who deserves praise. this is my longest downward spiral in quite forever…is it my transformation? once i survive this, will i be forever changed for the better? i guess that is what we will find out.
but today finds me breaking ties with a friend who has taken advantage & put me in the position of her enabler…today finds me having to rescue a broken sister even though it is the last thing i want to be doing.
but i don’t want to forget about my own journey. i can’t forget about my own healing. or is this all part of that?

thundering storm

i am not a flower
opening
a gentle breeze
the flap of a butterfly’s wings
i am the storm
the thundering clouds
& lightening
i am the wild wind
& pouring rain
i am
transformation
blowing away
washing away the rubbish
so the sun can come out
again
warm the earth
open the flowers
& coax
butterflies
onto the breeze.

i got a new scanner! i am trying to be sensible with my money in case the universe stops being so sweet to me; however! a new scanner was necessary as my old one (donated by a friend three years back/seven journals back?) was making super sad sounds & then just refusing to move.
additionally, i had a hard day or two with technology as my laptop was finally updated & then didn’t want to do what i needed it to do.
but i persevered & voila! new pages! old to me, but new to you! i have a back log of 8 or more pages, so the days to come will show how behind i am.

but transformation.
growth
it’s all good.

i wanna start the fire

an explosion
that instant
that spark finds
the ball of gas
&
ignites!
all my life
i’ve feared it
throwing myself
on the flames
so as not
to attract
attention
sacrificing myself
to keep things
safe
& unchanged
but is the lack of
change actually safe
or is that the
building
ball of gas
waiting for my spark
to
ignite
it?

more on my inevitable transformation. preparing for that. need to put on my goggles & flame retarded suit.

wildfire

i always imagine
transformation
as a gentle
& lovely
opening of sorts…
but what if
my transformation
is violent
& ugly
in its own beautiful way
a ripping away
of everything
that is wrong
everything
that no longer works
a wildfire
in my soul
killing off
dead wood
& invasive growth
to make room
for foundation
to grow stronger
with new ideas
coloring
everything
in green.

the more i think about this…the more i think my transformation is akin to a more violent event. birth can be such a thing. blood, urine, meconium, uterine fluid….a beautiful mess. a beautiful painful mess–emotionally & physically. or the way an island is born, with a volcano erupting & life slowly creeping in.
i might play around with this idea more.
right now i am so so tired…but my kids are due to go away to their dad’s for a week, so maybe i can sleep &/or erupt while they are gone.

emerging

there is no room
to stretch
my body hurts
what was supposed to protect
(& did in its time)
now suffocates
& limits growth
encouraging
stagnation
&
decay….
so!
i close my eyes
& visualize
the blood pumping
into wet wings
growing
stronger
growing beautiful
& amazing
i will lift & soar
on the warm sunny wind
i will float
like magic
towards the light
of my moon.

this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe!
my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense.
with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!

ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.

stay tuned!

dream quest

i do most of my work
when i am awake
grounded
mindful…
it’s not that i am not
a dreamer
i am so totally
a dreamer
but i leave my dreams
for dreaming
& do my work
with pen & paper
with body & mind
with heart & soul
alert
&
connected
to the world
around
me.

i have a friend who does so so so much dreamwork. she is always meeting up with ancestors & getting important messages…. at first i thought i was defective because my dreams are more like post-it notes from my subconscious or straight up strange fiction. running from zombies & chasing llamas who turn into pheasants….
but then i realized i do what she does–just not when i’m sleeping.
i would be fucking exhausted if i did not use my sleep for sleeping.
i work on myself all day long…i need my nights for recovery.

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