the ruins

i have been living
in the ruins of me
picking through
the rubble
rebuilding walls
just to watch them
crumble
back down
stumbling around
my own disaster
hoping i will find the
blue print
needed
to rebuild…hiding
from the world
outside
feeling exposed
vulnerable
lost within my own
world
the world i made
the world i desperately
need
to
redesign.

more on my trying to figure out me. as i type this, i feel i am just as lost as ever. not focusing. but there are the kids & the house & the free store & an upcoming art show & everything else i am committed to & all i want to do when i get a free moment is sit & maybe have a beer & lose myself in a book.

becoming

who am i becoming?
so intent
on transformation
did i stop to think
what i would be
next
who i would be
now?
who do i want
to be?
i guess that
is the question
in becoming
i need to draw
a map
to the true me.

this is an ongoing thing. i am emerging from the trauma of having a birthday & am once again trying to move forward. i keep meaning to meditate on this…yup. that’s me, forgetting to meditate on who i am. that’s who i am…but is that who i want to be?

pulled heart muscle

i overextended myself
did too much heavy lifting & threw out
my soul
too many visits outside my comfort zone
now all i can do
is hide
or cry
or vomit
…dealer’s choice

in exploring why i am crying anytime anyone talks to me and avoiding social interaction for several weeks now…i have come to a few conclusions. this is one. it is as true as any of my other observations about my current state of intentional isolation.
i’m hoping once i have it all figured out, i can once again venture out of my cave…carefully.

twisting

as i was watching the dust settle
a tornado came through
& sent it all spinning
again
the thoughts in my head like leaves
being pulled
into a black hole.

so i have been going through whatever i have been going through for way longer than i know what to do with. i have good-ish days, and then sink back down again.
i am convinced it is a sort of transformation. that is what i hope anyhow.
the past few days i keep accidentally putting my clothes on backwards. i wondered what the universe was trying to tell me & decided it was, “turn around, bright eyes.”
also!
i saw three robins yesterday…so, yeah, hope?

metaphorically

my soul turns to stone & it is impossible
to pick it up. my heart is slowly
sinking & i desperately look for
anything i can throw overboard
i am a hungry dog with a bone
–barely a bone even–
& i guard it with all i have left
of me because it is all i have left
of me.

this is my still trying to dig myself back up to the surface of me…and just going deeper & deeper instead. i was getting body work done when i started this thought in my head and it was all i could do to not just run screaming away from the appointment because it just wasn’t working. nothing was working. i feel this way, & i don’t know how to stop. i just have to write down what i am feeling and wait for the ebb to come.

poop!

transformation is not a beautiful unfolding
it is not a gentle opening
transformation is violent & ugly & overwhelming
i feel like i am going to explode
am i going to explode?
i want to scream & bit & thrash & kick it all down.
i want to eat the world & make it my poop.

yup. that about sums it up. i am going through so much right now. so much. my brain is a bee hive that has been knocked over by a sleuth of bears. i am trying to survive being knocked over as well as trying to scare away those bears. and save my honey. rebuild my hive. protect my queen. so much to do just to survive the right now!
yup, that is the metaphor i am going with.

my conflict

i am two of cups–balance–crossed by nine of cups–success.
what? how can my conflict be success, i think just before a heartfelt compliment, feelings of progress,
& a night out with friends sends me into a downward spiral.
oh
so that’s how.
i think, remembering the therapist who would warn me before giving me a compliment after she realized
i reacted the same to nice words as i did to bad ones.

i am still reeling, i’m afraid. over a week after i wrote this post. i am still struggling to believe i am a good & productive person who deserves praise. this is my longest downward spiral in quite forever…is it my transformation? once i survive this, will i be forever changed for the better? i guess that is what we will find out.
but today finds me breaking ties with a friend who has taken advantage & put me in the position of her enabler…today finds me having to rescue a broken sister even though it is the last thing i want to be doing.
but i don’t want to forget about my own journey. i can’t forget about my own healing. or is this all part of that?

thundering storm

i am not a flower
opening
a gentle breeze
the flap of a butterfly’s wings
i am the storm
the thundering clouds
& lightening
i am the wild wind
& pouring rain
i am
transformation
blowing away
washing away the rubbish
so the sun can come out
again
warm the earth
open the flowers
& coax
butterflies
onto the breeze.

i got a new scanner! i am trying to be sensible with my money in case the universe stops being so sweet to me; however! a new scanner was necessary as my old one (donated by a friend three years back/seven journals back?) was making super sad sounds & then just refusing to move.
additionally, i had a hard day or two with technology as my laptop was finally updated & then didn’t want to do what i needed it to do.
but i persevered & voila! new pages! old to me, but new to you! i have a back log of 8 or more pages, so the days to come will show how behind i am.

but transformation.
growth
it’s all good.

i wanna start the fire

an explosion
that instant
that spark finds
the ball of gas
&
ignites!
all my life
i’ve feared it
throwing myself
on the flames
so as not
to attract
attention
sacrificing myself
to keep things
safe
& unchanged
but is the lack of
change actually safe
or is that the
building
ball of gas
waiting for my spark
to
ignite
it?

more on my inevitable transformation. preparing for that. need to put on my goggles & flame retarded suit.

wildfire

i always imagine
transformation
as a gentle
& lovely
opening of sorts…
but what if
my transformation
is violent
& ugly
in its own beautiful way
a ripping away
of everything
that is wrong
everything
that no longer works
a wildfire
in my soul
killing off
dead wood
& invasive growth
to make room
for foundation
to grow stronger
with new ideas
coloring
everything
in green.

the more i think about this…the more i think my transformation is akin to a more violent event. birth can be such a thing. blood, urine, meconium, uterine fluid….a beautiful mess. a beautiful painful mess–emotionally & physically. or the way an island is born, with a volcano erupting & life slowly creeping in.
i might play around with this idea more.
right now i am so so tired…but my kids are due to go away to their dad’s for a week, so maybe i can sleep &/or erupt while they are gone.

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