emerging

there is no room
to stretch
my body hurts
what was supposed to protect
(& did in its time)
now suffocates
& limits growth
encouraging
stagnation
&
decay….
so!
i close my eyes
& visualize
the blood pumping
into wet wings
growing
stronger
growing beautiful
& amazing
i will lift & soar
on the warm sunny wind
i will float
like magic
towards the light
of my moon.

this should be the last one on breaking out of a cocoon because i think i have done it. the new year helped me to shed the last of my old skin and now i can breathe!
my kids were with their dad the whole first week of this year, enabling me to fully dive into my emergence…if that makes sense.
with their return, i have felt a stumble in my force…a hiccup…but i can see it & understand it & am certain i can be a mom, an artist, and a whole person, all three at the same time even!

ps. this is one of the crap inkings i mentioned in my previous post. but! i do try to post all my pages whether i like how they turn out or not. tomorrow will be another one i don’t especially like…but i am working on one for the two pages after that that i really like.

stay tuned!

dream quest

i do most of my work
when i am awake
grounded
mindful…
it’s not that i am not
a dreamer
i am so totally
a dreamer
but i leave my dreams
for dreaming
& do my work
with pen & paper
with body & mind
with heart & soul
alert
&
connected
to the world
around
me.

i have a friend who does so so so much dreamwork. she is always meeting up with ancestors & getting important messages…. at first i thought i was defective because my dreams are more like post-it notes from my subconscious or straight up strange fiction. running from zombies & chasing llamas who turn into pheasants….
but then i realized i do what she does–just not when i’m sleeping.
i would be fucking exhausted if i did not use my sleep for sleeping.
i work on myself all day long…i need my nights for recovery.

unfurling

i am soft
i am open
i glow
like the moon
& am warmed
by the sun
my heart is
blossoming
my wings
unfurling.

more mantras to keep me to my path. soften. open. escape the safe prison of my cocoon.

where is the key?

my cocoon is both
a safe place
warm & comforting
as well as
a prison
a place to escape
but where
is the key?
i have kept
myself
in here
too
long
telling myself the same lies
the same
excuses
but the walls
are beginning
to suffocate
& will only
soften
when i do.

more journaling about this cocoon i am trying to find the door for. more illustration of an androgynous god. i did get butterfly earrings from my son & for myself (coincidentally) for our winter solstice celebration. so maybe this transformation is in the works?

coffin of change

how long have i been
trapped
in this cocoon
it is moot to wonder
who put me in here
no one person
did
but here i am
a coffin of change
my wings
growing in
are trapped
unable to fly
not quite
ready
to fly
but first
how do i get
out?
removing layer
after layer
sometimes clawing
as if for my very
life
sometimes
coaxing & caressing….
is that sunshine
i see?
a light?
can i feel a breeze…?

regarding the illustration, i have been asked to play with the image of the ardhanarishvara, a hindu composite of a god & a goddess. both the male & the female.
i had a bit of a challenge doing this, as i realized how feminine my men are & how masculine my women are. but a lot of the traditional representations of the ardhanarishvara are similar in their androgyny.
i have a lot of experience with feeling both an internal male energy alongside my female energy & feel very androgynous.
it used to be my male was the dominant one, but little by little my inner goddess is making herself heard.

regarding the verse…this is where i am. i’m not sure how long i have been here. i feel like it has been a long time. i am hoping to find my way out & into a transformation soon….

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