tarot reading – Quixotic Mama

i wanted to try finger painting with my inks.

crap. yesterday i drew tarot cards (again) & got “the tower” as my future card for the third time in a little over a month. i feel like i am supposed to be learning something but it turns into a negative feedback loop as i feel defeated every time i get a sign from the universe to stop being a fuck up…and then it’s all i can do to not be a fuck up.
am i lying to myself? am i building a house of cards that is just going to fall down? do i need to scrap everything & start over?
these are the questions prancing through my brain at 2am….

plus ever since i was rejected by an employer, i am convinced that everyone hates me. why not the universe as well?

so my finger painting was not nearly as inspirational as i had hoped it would be. now i just want to curl up in a ball & cry until i can’t cry anymore.

“knowing who you are
where you are
& what you are capable of
at the present time
is true wisdom”
says my tarot card
my conflict card
for today
good words
for me to remember
as i try to save the world
in the next ten minutes.

what am i capable of right now? fixing up an old house? being a published author? being a mother who embraces equanimity? one step at a time. some days are baby steps. some days are great big bounding steps. maybe i should start each day asking myself, “what am i capable of today?”

the tarot spread
reveals
exactly how far
into my head
you have gotten
exactly how far
under my skin
you have rooted
the tarot spread
reveals
that i don’t always know
where i stop
& you begin
who’s voice
am i hearing
when all those
terrible things
are said.

i have worked through this by now…. but my ex has a talent for rooting in deep & not letting go. i think i have compared him to some type of intestinal worm in the past.
yup, that hasn’t changed.

yesterday
i was so weirded out by the dragons in my picture
that i never stopped to wonder what a person might think
of my skull wearing fire goddess.
which then i obsessed about for awhile
wondering if i would be labeled too dark
too witchy
mostly thinking of how my younger sister would see it
my conservative republican trump-voting highly delusional little sister.

then i thought
you know
if i had a horned skull and a feather tutu
i would totally wear that.
so it must not be weird,
right?

ha!

then i was fine with it.

and today i have another goddess portrait
a river goddess
wearing welding goggles
because, you know, to keep water out of her eyes.

so tomorrow i go fetch my minions back
the end to my alone time…
and i won’t get a picture done tomorrow…maybe the next day?

so tomorrow i see dusty
very briefly
which is how i prefer it.
i haven’t missed him at all.
i can just pretend he is still sitting at his laptop playing video games
or getting high in the garage.
not much different with him gone.

and i finally read my tarot cards today.
i have been avoiding them ever since they yelled at me about not
taking my art seriously.
today they told me
(abridged)
“keep on keeping on–& don’t fuck it up.”

so that’s my game plan.
steady as she goes…watch out for sink holes & water falls.

and here is my ink stain. i could see a face and knew it was a portrait of someone wearing goggles. i fleshed her out. then i found the river.

Tag: tarot reading

know thyself

where he begins

the river