comfortably conflicted

i am comforted
by the idea
of falling apart
hence
my conflict

more on that tower card conflicting me & my trying to figure out what the fuck…. i am more comfortable falling apart than i am feeling whole. this is a conflict to my healing.

if i complete me

you don’t know what
to do
if you are not
falling apart
pain & disappointment
are your norm
your baseline
picking up the pieces is your
favorite
past time
falling apart
(again)
has become
a conflict
because
you are
afraid to accept yourself
as
whole.

this is my working thought. i keep drawing the tower card lately. the falling apart, crumbling down card. and i don’t feel like i am falling apart…so i wonder why it keeps showing up.
then it occurred to me that i don’t know how to do anything if i am not falling apart. falling apart is what i do. or, rather, holding it together with all my might….
so…what do i do if i am not holding everything together? how do i function without a bus load of stress running me down? there is fight & flight…where is the relax?

what goes up

i’m up up up
again
worrying
again
about the fall
down down down
but
wait
have i learned
from my last
swan dive
have i learned
that
it’s not always
true
what goes up
must fall
back
down?

so i know i will have my ups and downs…i’m just hoping a time comes when i can go up, without then plummeting down due to my issues. lately i seem to be growing, blooming, gaining insights & praises…moving in a forward movement.
which sometimes (most times) backfires into my taking a nose dive into my dark place.
so here is my hope that i can go up without melting off my wings & crashing…. right?

the inking was reminding me of the illustrations found on old school sewing patterns…hence the scissor wings.

warrior

it’s not a body
torn apart
by four pregnancies
it’s the body
of a warrior
cut open twice
followed by two home births
my body
has stories to tell.

something that occurred to me in the shower one morning. i give my body such a hard time…but my body has always been there for me. it was not my body that failed me in childbirth–but the current medical system that does not allow for anything but a textbook birth (hence my being cut open twice because i dared to have 42 week pregnancies.) and after being assaulted by the medical system…twice…my body recovered and got me through two home births. kudos to my body. my warrior body. strong, dependable, magical.

clawing my way out

i feel like screaming
& scratching
& clawing my way out
of my life right now.

right now being the key words. i know things will settle down for me again. i know they will. and that is a huge step. my sister is going through a dark hell right now & is unable to have faith that it will pass.
it makes me sad, but it also makes me realize how far i have come & what intense work i have done to get to the point that i know i will be able to work my way back out when i am feeling only darkness & heaviness.

i hope my sister can find that faith within herself.

motherhood

i made it my impossible dream
living with only it in mind
& when i found it
i embraced it. made it my everything
got completely
utterly
lost in it
with time however & happenstance
i began to wear it
as my own crown of thorns. my misery
my impossible escape
then i began to push it away
to deny it like peter at the gate
not me
not this
sleight of hand. look over there
nothing to see here…definitely not me
not like this….
but now i see
it is yet another balancing act
a recipe
i have to be
a little of this. a little of that.
& every bit of me.

i tried for ten years to have a successful pregnancy. then bang bang bang bang…i was a mother of four. i have been on a roller coaster of identity crisis. i am sure the ride will continue the rest of my life, but now i am figuring out how to throw myself into the twist & turns, ups & down.

trap falls

i am so used to butting my head
against every wall i can find
that i become skittish
if things go too smoothly
start looking for trap falls
that very possibly
are not there at all.

this is a realization with my on-going spin out. i don’t know what to do when i feel successful &/or popular. i don’t know what to do when i am well-received.
i know how to weather a storm.
i know how to survive a tragedy.
i do not know how to be in fair weather…or what to do when life is just…life.

pack mentality

by evening i was ready to give up on my new
imaginary
relationship.
it wasn’t him…it was so totally me
like the feral beast i am i isolate when i feel fragile
it makes sense, right?
if you’re alone, they can’t hurt you…
i guess there is that school of thought that the herd
will protect
you in your fragility
but i grew up watching ducks seek out & peck
to death
the “weak” one for the health of the flock
so
yeah
fuck that shit.

more thoughts from me on pack mentality and the dangers of going with the flow.
i am not good at going with the flow because i am always asking “why” or pointing out the inconsistencies and erroneous thinking involved with pack mentality.
so i am the cheese…standing here…alone.

suicide is painless

i’m not going to write a lifetime movie
for you if you survive your suicide
suicide
something i have thought about
far too much
is an escape from your pain…maybe
but it is also a big
“fuck you” to everyone in your life
so i’m not going to take you
in my arms & tell you everything is okay
you have so much to live for…
i’m going to get you by the scruff
of the neck
give you a good shake
& tell you
“no! bad! knock it the fuck off!”
if i have to be in this world
endure all the pain of it
then guess what
you do too
no cutting.

pun intended? my sister attempted suicide recently, and my reaction was to get really pissed off about it. so i wrote this instead of being mean to her. i know i have thought of doing myself in often, but i am aware that it is a shitty thing to do.
i guess there are cases where the pain you are in outweighs the pain you will inflict on others…but those cases are few & far between as much as i can tell.

what’s this?

what’s this?
i don’t feel crazy this day
what’s this?
how do i function when my world isn’t falling apart?
how do i be a version of me angst-free?

sometimes my brain doesn’t feel like it’s on fire, and it’s like when you have had a constant pain & then it disappears. it is exactly like that.
i have been spiraling downward for a few weeks now. it’s not common for me to spend that long in my dark places. i have figured a lot of things out while traipsing through those dark places…but it is nice, every once in awhile, to be able to come up for air.

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