it’s my party i can obsess if i want to

steam rises from the fields
as spring rain
mixes with winter earth
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you
i can smell
the ground warming
preparing itself
for growth & green & everything
spring
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you
each day grows longer
a full moon wanes
to new
& my heart turns
in circles
thinking of you.

nothing like spring to fuck with one’s love hormones. i made this postcard to send to someone who has probably forgotten me, but it’s my party, i can obsess if i want to.
& i’m not obsessing, really, i just have to put those spring hormones somewhere…& i have no where else to put them. (i already quit okcupid again)
so what’s a harmless crush on someone? so what’s a harmless postcard just to say “hi”?
i know…famous last words….
but, after all, the dodo bird is my spirit animal.

i just got a phone call from my mom to let me know she will be selling the house out from under me.
i kinda saw this coming & was planning to leave anyway & there is no love lost between us…but fuck me my heart hurts right now.
she has no problem tossing out her single-mother daughter & her four grandchildren. at least she had the decency not to say “i love you” at the end of the conversation.
& she did call to let me know she would be selling the house instead of just doing it–my kids have been fearing that we will come home to another family living here….

meanwhile…
here are some glimpses of stuff going on on my patreon page….

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seven hundred years

sometimes i feel 
like i have been alive
for seven hundred years
i barely
remember 
yesterday
so for all i know
i’ve been alive
forever
&
i wonder
if i’ll ever look back
on these days
of struggle
of isolation
from the comfort
of a soul mate’s 
embrace
look back
in wonder
& awe
how did i ever survive
such desolate
times
to feel peace 
in my heart
while remembering
a time when peace
was a fantasy.

this, and a few more pages to come, were written yesterday when i was feeling especially hopeless & suicidal. good times…. being a single mom with next to no support system. i need to tell y’all, do not try this at home.

strangely, once i accepted that there was nothing to hope for, i felt a bit calmer. that’s me. finding comfort in the concept that i will never find comfort. 

this page does not have my standard issue self-portrait…unless you consider that that is my soul flying under the full moon. 
owls symbolize being able to see what others cannot. i identify with the owl, though i assume everyone else can see what i see. 
which, i guess, is not the case.
so!
i make art.

i may have gotten a little carried away. i think i painted my words out.

tall dark & handsome

he came to me in a dream
ready to end
my misery
with talons
like razors
a creature from–
well…
nightmares
a feathered man
tall dark & handsome
my sure
demise
but to my credit
i fought
for my
wretched
life
even resorting to
my
feminine
wiles.

a little something different.
maybe too much halloween candy, but i had a vivid dream last night about a big blackbird-man who came to finish me off. except he was also sexy. i think i have a pretty conflicted view of men.
speaking of….
so who remembers clan of the cave bear? my brain often references the idea in it that ayla is guarded by her spirit animal, the cave bear who scarred her. she is thereby deemed to have too strong of an energy for most men to mate with her and make a child with her.
i think of the grizzly bear as one of my main spirit guides. i feel her energy in me & feel i am protected by her.
i have found that my strength makes dating tricky. which i think is weird…but it seems to be true.
until (at least) this point in my life i have chosen physically small men. feminine men. men who do not seem threatening to me…. yes, i chose them. if i wait to be chosen, it is a long wait. however, most of the men i choose then turn me upside down–& not in a good way. most of them seem threatened by me. most of them try to dominate & degrade me.
so i’m thinking maybe i should be looking for a romantic interest that has–at least–the grizzly bear spirit i have?
i dunno.
just brainstorming here. it’s not like i have suitors lining up at my door to choose from.

 

INKtober twentieth

i wish
i could be
in love with you & feel
good
about it
instead of felling like i am
about
to step
off a cliff
&
onto a land mine
which
instead of killing me instantly
& with no pain
will just tear me
to pieces
letting me die
a
slow
painful
death
cold & isolated
in my sorrow.

okay, my witchy & mystic friends, tell me…yesterday, while standing with dusty at sunrise, i watched (and then shouted & ran towards it) as a hawk flew down & tried to take off with one of my young chickens.
then, as i drove to the feed store with iggy & poppy, a hawk flew along side our car for about a quarter of a mile.
then today, as i drove to the farmer’s market with my minions, a hawk flew off of a post and practically right into my windshield. i actually ducked inside my car for fear of  being hit by a hawk. (the hawk, however, did not make contact with my car)

what is the universe trying to tell me?

dusty came down to our house for poppy’s & fidgit’s birthdays. he spent one night & returned to wisconsin. there was some physical activity between the father of my children & me. i have been celibate (man, it took me forever to remember that word just now) for about a year & a half, so i was overdue for some…and i don’t regret it…but i also don’t think there is a future for dusty & myself as a “couple”…despite our smoking hot chemistry.
nothing changes. nothing stays the same.
i felt defeated after he was gone.
nothing changes.
and today when i tried to explain my lack of hope to him…it quickly turned into a mud slinging free-for-all.
yay.

so is that it? are the hawks just telling me to pay attention? to listen to the signs i am given? to trust my instinct?

ah fuck.
i’m going to die alone.
but at least the universe hasn’t given up on me.

nest building

today’s is another one close to my beliefs.
the hawk, again, one of my spirit guides…the hawk says to
build your nest high in the mountains.
the badger
recently i referred to dusty as a badger.
digging in.
refusing to be ousted.
aggressively defensive.
it occurs to me that the badger builds his nest under the earth.

dusty & me.
i am aiming for the clouds.
he doesn’t want to come up & into the sunshine.
we aren’t even compatible in where we would build our nest.

i saw the badger first.
then i saw the hawk.
the placement is even accurate for these two spirit animals.
as i finished up my picture…it occurred to me that i should be doing before and after and maybe even during photos of my work. see if you see what i see. show you where my weird drawings start since you get to see where they stop.
remind me; i will do that tomorrow.

i talked about being an empath.
yesterday i woke with the weight of the world on me.
i just wanted to hide.
but today i am light.
i opened my heart and let in the energy of the world.
and it was good.

so there is some trippy new-agey ink stain art for you .
the badger & the hawk do not make proper bedfellows.
we are just wrong.
dusty & i.
it doesn’t have to be who is wrong…we just are wrong.

 

three wise ones

i can’t tell you how excited i am about this picture.
how excited i am that the whole INKtober experience got me not only drawing every day but also doing a form of art that really resonates with me.
the ink blot
scrying in ink
form of drawing i have been doing.
so excited!

today!
today my three spirit animal guides showed up in my picture! i put paint on these pages. then i try to keep them away from the minions while they dry. then i pick them up. look at them. turn them. look at them again. turn them.
until i see something.
so i really do not know what i am going to draw each day.
it is an adventure.
as i said before
a meditation of sorts.

so i am pagan–which basically means i am of a nature religion. and i identify with celtic paganism because my ancestors come from western europe where the celts used to run wild before the romans conquered them and introduced catholicism.
anyhoo!
i am celtic/pagan. and i read tarot and use medicine cards and look for signs in the every day.
and in my art.
which i have come to feel is my magic
(along with cooking & gardening)

so that’s why i am in love with today’s drawing.
the dog, the bear, and the hawk.
they are my spirit guides.
my familiars.
their visit today in my picture is a comfort to me in a time of extreme doubt.
so it would be like if i were still catholic and found the virgin mary burned in my toast.
it’s like that.

(sorry for the trippy, new-agey blathering…i’m still punk rock.)

ps. more on the dork fest– i wanted to put symbols of the elements on the katana, so i googled “element symbols.” google offered a sub-topic of celtic element symbols and i clicked it and found symbols for the elements that consist of spirals! if you look at my art–i love spirals. i often try to incorporate spirals in my work. they actually calm me down. so! are my ancestors speaking to me through my art?
discuss it amongst yourselves.

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