against the odds

when i was a kid
i couldn’t say my “s” sound
without sticking out my tongue
i was put into speech therapy
to remedy my lisp
& i remember clearly how proud
i was of myself
for not only learning to keep my tongue in my mouth
but also learning to do it while missing
my two front teeth
maybe even then
the universe was trying to teach me
something learned despite a setback, a handicap
something learned the hard way
is so much more
valuable.

here is my big epiphany of the week. i go to a chiropractor/energy worker almost once a week. in addition to having a much more aligned body, i have an epiphany almost every time i am lying there on the table. i totally recommend a good body worker for getting things moving.
this epiphany, this is a big one.

fungus amongus

i always wonder, as i work on ink blot doodles, while i wait for misha to have her speech therapy, i always wonder if anyone walking past notices my pictures.

her speech therapy sessions are in the same grade school i went to as a child. a small protestant town. a farming town. a very straight, white community (they are getting better–more diverse!)

so i feel weird just being there. weirder working on my art. but i think most people don’t notice. and i am generally treated as if i do not have two heads. to clarify, i do not have two heads–but i often feel that that is how i appear to strangers. as a complete freak of nature.

anyhoo. today a little girl walked past me as i doodled on this inkstain.

img_3045

she said, to herself, not to me really, “what happened to that notebook?”
i answered her, “i spilled ink on it.”

when i interact with children…even my own…i have a tendency to be on their level. maybe because i have never really grown up? maybe because i feel intimidated by everyone–even your newborn child. i never approach a kids like, “i am the adult.” it’s more like, “hey, can i share your sandwich?” i always noticed how kids seem to like me, and i think it is because i make eye contact, i smile, i talk to them like they are people…because, well, they are people. when i worked in daycare, when i worked with teenagers, i never was able to be the authority figure. i was just me, hanging out with a bunch of kids. i don’t know if this is good or bad–but it is something i like about myself…so let’s call it “good.”

so when the little girl commented to herself…in surprise? in disapproval? in wonder?–about the state of my ink soaked journal. i answered her with a no frills no judgement this is what happened kind of answer.

she walked on.

also! i remembered a dream i had last night. i remembered it while i was driving today and wondering if there was car insurance on my parents’ truck which i was driving. i had talked with the insurance lady who kept calling (i hate talking on the phone and avoid it like the plague) trying to let me know that i needed insurance…but it’s my parents’ car, right? so i told her i would have them deal with it. and i called them and left it up to fate that they would actually call the insurance lady whom i was avoiding talking to….
so apparently this is weighing heavy on my conscience because last night i dreamed i was flying and in the clearing where i usually land, the insurance lady was working. so i had to acknowledge her existence as i flew in.
“did my mom call?” i asked her.
“yes,” she assured me. she did not seem surprised that i could fly. i waited for her to comment and she never did. so off i flew.

once my therapist had me write a list of good things about me. that was on the list, “i can fly.”
when exhusband#2 scoffed at that, i told him, “well, i have never tried…so i just assume i can.”
another thing i like about me.

fungus2-copy

yet something else i like about me
(isn’t this nice? this is nice, right?)
is that i find things like this in ink spills.
i like that these things live in my head to haunt and to inspire me.
i like that i can look at a blob of ink and think, “well that is clearly a tree’s ass.”

jar of hearts

when i travel…
actually all day long
every day
…i listen to the radio
but especially
when i am driving.

it is like my own personal
oracle
telling me of loves lost
and ones to come
of the every day
and the extraordinary.

i heard this song
jar of hearts
and not only related to the topic
but started wondering what that
would look like
in ink,
to be exact.
what would a jar of hearts look like
in ink?
(i already know what a ziploc bag of hearts
looks like
in my fridge
because i feed my dogs
a raw diet
and hearts are a cheap muscle meat.)

so i drew it today
as i waited for my misha
to finish her speech therapy appointment
i drew a jar of hearts
as grade schoolers
marched by
to the tune of public school
with shy smiles and
curiosity.

i drew a jar of hearts.

i have been wanting to try
to do ink splatter
and ink blotting
with more intent
and less chance.
you know,
just to see if i can.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑