fungus amongus

i always wonder, as i work on ink blot doodles, while i wait for misha to have her speech therapy, i always wonder if anyone walking past notices my pictures.

her speech therapy sessions are in the same grade school i went to as a child. a small protestant town. a farming town. a very straight, white community (they are getting better–more diverse!)

so i feel weird just being there. weirder working on my art. but i think most people don’t notice. and i am generally treated as if i do not have two heads. to clarify, i do not have two heads–but i often feel that that is how i appear to strangers. as a complete freak of nature.

anyhoo. today a little girl walked past me as i doodled on this inkstain.

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she said, to herself, not to me really, “what happened to that notebook?”
i answered her, “i spilled ink on it.”

when i interact with children…even my own…i have a tendency to be on their level. maybe because i have never really grown up? maybe because i feel intimidated by everyone–even your newborn child. i never approach a kids like, “i am the adult.” it’s more like, “hey, can i share your sandwich?” i always noticed how kids seem to like me, and i think it is because i make eye contact, i smile, i talk to them like they are people…because, well, they are people. when i worked in daycare, when i worked with teenagers, i never was able to be the authority figure. i was just me, hanging out with a bunch of kids. i don’t know if this is good or bad–but it is something i like about myself…so let’s call it “good.”

so when the little girl commented to herself…in surprise? in disapproval? in wonder?–about the state of my ink soaked journal. i answered her with a no frills no judgement this is what happened kind of answer.

she walked on.

also! i remembered a dream i had last night. i remembered it while i was driving today and wondering if there was car insurance on my parents’ truck which i was driving. i had talked with the insurance lady who kept calling (i hate talking on the phone and avoid it like the plague) trying to let me know that i needed insurance…but it’s my parents’ car, right? so i told her i would have them deal with it. and i called them and left it up to fate that they would actually call the insurance lady whom i was avoiding talking to….
so apparently this is weighing heavy on my conscience because last night i dreamed i was flying and in the clearing where i usually land, the insurance lady was working. so i had to acknowledge her existence as i flew in.
“did my mom call?” i asked her.
“yes,” she assured me. she did not seem surprised that i could fly. i waited for her to comment and she never did. so off i flew.

once my therapist had me write a list of good things about me. that was on the list, “i can fly.”
when exhusband#2 scoffed at that, i told him, “well, i have never tried…so i just assume i can.”
another thing i like about me.

fungus2-copy

yet something else i like about me
(isn’t this nice? this is nice, right?)
is that i find things like this in ink spills.
i like that these things live in my head to haunt and to inspire me.
i like that i can look at a blob of ink and think, “well that is clearly a tree’s ass.”

jar of hearts

when i travel…
actually all day long
every day
…i listen to the radio
but especially
when i am driving.

it is like my own personal
oracle
telling me of loves lost
and ones to come
of the every day
and the extraordinary.

i heard this song
jar of hearts
and not only related to the topic
but started wondering what that
would look like
in ink,
to be exact.
what would a jar of hearts look like
in ink?
(i already know what a ziploc bag of hearts
looks like
in my fridge
because i feed my dogs
a raw diet
and hearts are a cheap muscle meat.)

so i drew it today
as i waited for my misha
to finish her speech therapy appointment
i drew a jar of hearts
as grade schoolers
marched by
to the tune of public school
with shy smiles and
curiosity.

i drew a jar of hearts.

i have been wanting to try
to do ink splatter
and ink blotting
with more intent
and less chance.
you know,
just to see if i can.

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