searching for the sun

should i dig my hole
and hibernate?
forever ever after?
or should i grab my
essentials
and set out
in search
of the sun?
my own bright
light.

i included my nose wart in this one. i kind of like presenting my “flaws” as part of my art.
this one is a solstice musing…but also–more actually–a commentary on my struggle with escapism & isolation versus putting myself out there and trying to be a part of something.

warts & all…as it were.

the holly king

maybe I’m not
the asshole
i thought i was.
holding myself to an
unreasonable
standard
(an unreasonable standard
that i am happy to hold you to
as well)
maybe i am just
me
…me
regular
trying to be good
not so bad as i thought
me.

so i drew myself here…as usual.
however, my elaborate eyebrows put me in the mind to give myself holly for hair. knowing that this time of year is attributed to the holly king, i looked into that story for background and learned that the holly king is the darker half (winter half) of the horned god with the oak king being his lighter half (summer half.) i found this strangely relevant as the druid part of me very much identifies with oak trees.
i mean
here i am.
my dark half and my light half.
struggling to find our middle ground….

i dunno.
i thought it was cool.

blooming

okay. no wait, this one’s my favorite. wow. i really like this inking that i did. right? green. and weird. i mean, why is a monkey wearing a hummingbird outfit?
i love this one.
it’s in the top three if not my very most favorite.

blooming1

blooming, i called it.

i am blooming. look at me bloom.
i mean, i still have buckets & buckets of issues, but i no longer feel like a complete mess. an incomplete mess? ha!

blooming2

tomorrow is the winter solstice. the shortest day of the year followed by the longest night. our ancestors would light fires and pray for the sun to return. and it would. every year, without fail. and i bet it will this year as well…despite an impending trump presidency. the light will return.

and with the light, hope.

hope.

i have buckets and buckets of that as well.

changing of the seasons

today
like every day of late
i struggle
between the dark
& the light.
as the days grow
shorter
i grow
darker.
this is a difficult time of year
for me.
all growing up,
the holidays were times
of more childhood trauma.
then my dad went into rehab
when i was 17
right in time for the holidays.
i didn’t want him to come back
and dreaded visiting him
staring at the houses full of holiday cheer
on our drive to dysfunction.
then as a grown-up
my brother died
right in time for the holidays.
then,
like when i was a kid
a messed up family life
became that much more obvious
with the holidays
when all other families seem so…
so normal…
in a good way
and all i feel is empty & lost….

this year i am trying
to swim my way back to the light
even as the days grow darker
with the season.
this year i want to fight
the dark that creeps
crawls
grasps at my soul.

this year i don’t want to just
survive
the holidays.
i want to thrive.
and i want to show my children
that there is light
in the darkness.

(my ink stain)

inkstainpan

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