fine, i quit.

i know there is absolutely no point to posting this, but i am quitting social media. since no one actually responds to my art…
and since it breaks my heart so terribly & painfully to be ignored…
i have no choice but to quit social media.

i will keep making art.

but all by my lonesome.

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inktober 16 & 17

inktober16

so two days ago i posted about feeling invisible and thinking about quitting social media because i get no feedback on my art and it all feels utterly pointless.

so that post got 9 “likes” which might not seem like a lot to those of you that get 9 likes a minute, but for me, that is a lot of likes.
but here’s the thing. i still didn’t get any feedback. so i keep wondering if y’all like the idea of my quitting social media & taking my wonky art to the private sector? if that’s what you like. not my art but my quitting art….
and then i start to cry.

seriously, i am starting to be convinced that i am a social experiment in what happens to a neurotic artist who gets minimal feedback.
do i eat a gun muzzle
or start producing amazing art for my pain?
stay tuned!

anyhoo. here are a couple more journal-style self-portrait-y things.

i haven’t quit yet….

sometimes i just feel extra invisible…

ack.
social media sucks ass.
i mean
at least
for us super sensitive
extra damaged
introverts
sometimes i hate
facebook
so so so much
stupid tool
i feel like a stupid tool
extra invisible
everyone hates me
why do i do this
stupid
tool.

inktober3(3)

this is the third inking i have done today.
i am about to post it on facebook. in that stupid group i am in. and it will get zero “likes” as have the other two today.
inktober3(2)

c’mon.
my art doesn’t suck that bad.
why can’t i get a “like”….

and why do i care?

fuck a duck

i am ready to just quit facebook. a fucking social media site should not be able to cause me this kind of torment.
it’s stupid.
i know it’s stupid.
yet i am tormented.

IMG_0023

i am going to keep doing inktober.
i am going to keep doing art.
i am going to keep practicing my ink brush painting (right now i am opening the book the photo ark to a random page and painting it.)

and! and–i am going to get back to my comics. my moses jones and all the others.

it’s been too long.

so fuck you, facebook. even if you hate my art. i love my art.

i love being an artist.

a nice fucking neurotic artist.

galapagos

i was inking this one when i realized it is inspired by kurt vonnegut’s novel, galapagos. my brain is just chock full of stuff that erupts onto my paper. sadly, the information stuffed in there isn’t good for much more than that. trivial pursuit, jeopardy, and strange eclectic inkings.

i have been feeling desperately lost & lonely lately. very depressed. my kids have started labeling me as “sad.” like today they said it was “opposite day” and fidgit said, “so you aren’t sad today.”

talk about depressing.

so i’m a mess.
sad.
desperate.
lonely.
lost.

strangely enough…at one point today…i could not get the internet to work. i wanted to title my ink, but i could not remember the name of the novel and was unable to google it. so i texted like four different people, three exes & a sister, to see who knew their kurt vonnegut.
when i didn’t hear back from anyone, i started wondering if the world had ended and we were left alone to sort things out. i suggested this to fidgit–and he was good with it.

and i started to feel less depressed.

is that fucked up?

i’m less lonely if there is no one left to reject me or mess with my head or ignore me?
less lonely with facebook wiped off the face of the earth?

so…maybe i need to seriously curtail my attempts to find salvation through social networking…
i know,
you’ve heard it from me before.

but this time i am serious.

it is the end of the world as we know it…and i need a break from humanity.

and with that, i give you, galapagos.

galapagos1

elephants in the clouds

i suspect that i am an empathetic sociopath.
i suffered a lot of emotional abuse as a child, and now i find it difficult to bond.
with people. with pets.
i think i bond with my kids? i think i do. sometimes i shut down…but then again, my kids can be really overwhelming.
the thing is is that i am so so quick to withdraw. first sign of trouble & i shut down. i turn my emotions off.
i don’t have a lot of friends for this reason. it is difficult for me to make friends. i always have walls…and moats…and trapdoors.
i love the idea of friends.
but i just don’t know how to do it & i always suspect people hate me & then..you know…trap doors.

today i felt this overwhelming & heartbreaking loneliness. i don’t mind being alone, but oh my god i am so lonely.
is it because i feel like i don’t relate to others?
is it because i have trouble believing anyone could really care about me?
is it because there is so much unrest in the world these days?
so much isolation? social media creating isolation? social movement causing isolation?

i went on facebook today and posted this post:

i feel lonely in this world
lonely to my bones
it’s not just me
none of us seem to know how to communicate
how to start a conversation
it is all reaction
and hurt feelings
who is to blame
a witch hunt.
and worst of all
people die…people suffer…people are oppressed
animals are abused and driven to extinction
the environment is destroyed
while we bicker.
can we just start over?
hello, i’m a bisexual bigender white pagan anarchist feminist
single stay-at-home mom on state aid
no–wait–i’m a human being.
different from you, but also the same
& i’m so so lonely.
will you be my friend?

and i immediately felt better. i felt like i put everything out there that i was afraid of saying about myself. those things that might make me troll bait.

this is the crap i do on social media. expose myself. lay everything out and wait to be crucified. fortunately, i surround myself with people on facebook who are understanding & nurturing…for the most part.

either that or they are a little afraid of me.

i have been known to scare people…and i’m okay with that.

& in that vein…here are some clown balloons.

zen garden

social media is a blessing & a curse to people like me. i like having that connection. that easy connection. i like being able to share my thoughts and be inspired by others.

but holy crap. the negativity can suffocate you. the mass negativity. it’s devastating. the specific & personal attacks are even more devastating. seems people are quick to judge, quick to point fingers, quick to react when it can be done in a space such as social media.

i’m guilty too. yes.

so i’m dropping out of groups on facebook that have any sort of angle other than sharing information. and even then, i want it to be information about things that cannot turn political or social. plant identification. i’m still in that group. permaculture…i’m there, but maybe that is pushing it?

today i went on facebook. such a bad habit. i use it for news & entertainment. such a bad habit. but it can be fun and there are people i love there and it is such an easy platform for my art…

it is like an amplifier of what is wrong with us. as a country? as a people? everyone is turned against everyone else. my parents did this. they pitted us against each other because it was easier to control us that way. and that is what our country is. we are all turned against each other. we largely leave alone the group of people we should actually be fighting, and we fight among ourselves.

so fucking fucked up.

i know i am guilty of it as well.

but what would it look like, if we negotiated, compromised, worked together to create laws and guidelines to our society that largely benefited everyone. everyone.
healthcare for everyone.
clean food & water for everyone.
a decent wage for everyone.
equal rights–seriously–for everyone.
better energy for everyone.

you know who it benefits if we are all sick & dying. starving & desperate? you know who it benefits if our environment is destroyed in the name of big oil & corporate greed?

no one. not even the fuckers raking in the money. no one benefits. i don’t care if there is some bunker somewhere where they plan to wait out the collapse of society & the environment. who wants to live in a bunker? seriously.

so that’s what’s on my mind today.
as i shower.
as i ink.
as i bake scones.

you, me, the rest of the world. let’s work together. really. what could it hurt? what do we have left to lose?

img_3193

that’s not funny

so i keep looking for my true love by searching wordpress blogs using not-so-random key words because surely my true love blogs…

unless he is too busy lumber-jacking a sustainable forest….

and then i had a beer and started annoying jenny lawson…again (assuming she reads my sad attempts at getting her attention.) now i hate myself for it and just want to shut everything down. close down every social media outlet i have an account on. who do i think i am? why would anyone want to read my drivel? i’m no different. i’m not special. just another sad cog in a lopsided wheel.

some people, apparently, have long bouts of depression. my moods, however, spin–bob & weave–kick up dust before falling in the mud.
i’m a cancer with a moon in scorpio and scorpio rising. for those of you who aren’t astrology savvy, cancers & scorpios are both water signs, water equals emotion. so i’m like 99% emotion.

1% lumberjack.

i’m not trying to be funny. i am actually tired of me and the stupid things i say and my expecting people to actually listen to me. i tried to tweet today and now i hate myself. read the post from last week about my not being able to play the game. it’s like that. whenever i try to partake of social media, i just feel like a phony.

like the lumberjack comment? is that to get attention? or do i really like lumberjacks? i don’t know. where does the person end and the social media personality begin?

i try to be honest and to be real. but then i also want attention and an audience.

if i tell you that today i had to take a shower because i had gone so long without one that my hair hurt…is that my being honest or showcasing my neurosis? both? like it’s funny because it’s true? or if you can relate, that makes it funny?

i am tired of the narrator inside my head he/she is making my life into a bad tv show.

when i was a kid i thought my big sister was so funny. so i emulated her. i tried so hard to be funny. she wrote funny letters to her friends. so i wrote funny letters to my friends. i would try to be ridiculous on purpose.

what if it is all an act? what if i’m not funny.

but then there are those days, most days, where i crack myself up at least once. so at least one person thinks i’m funny. unless she is laughing at me, not with me…?

i had a snooty teacher in a writer’s workshop once assure me–when i said i did not think i would ever have a very big audience–that i was wrong. she told me i was funny and that funny sells.
in retrospect, i think she may have been insulting me in a very dodgy way.

but i will have the last laugh, rowan buchanan (if that was your real name)┬ábecause even if i am funny…no one takes me seriously.

(i don’t feel like drawing–so today you get a random collage i did for a digital media class back when i was an art student. i miss being an art student. and i really like buttons.)