hoodie of despair

so
usually
i turn to anger
after the sad
of rejection
because maybe i feel more in control
of the anger?
the ride goes like this:
you hurt me
(intentionally or unintentionally)
i feel rejected
i get
overwhelmingly
SAD
then i get
pissed off
i never needed you
anyway
in fact
i’m fucking brilliant
without you
& round & round
goes the merry
until i just want it all to
STOP
so maybe
i should see what happens if
i crawl inside my despair
pull it tight
around me
& see if i can feel the hurt
see if i can heal
the hurt.

if any of y’all are familiar with my self-portrait series…i have a sweater of depression in that collection. so this is my hoodie of despair. i tried to ink a sloth on her head…but it may look more like a lemur? i was having trouble transcribing the image of a sloth from my head to the paper….

this is what happens. that frankenstein’s monster emerges from my feeling of rejection (real or imagined or hinted at or whispers of) and then i go from victim to monster in the blink of an eye.
i want to stop that.
not that i don’t love & appreciate my inner monster…i just want to have her behave a bit more appropriately. and by appropriate, i mean in a constructive way, not a destructive way.
hmmm.
something to think on….

ps. three nights in a row i have dreamed of being at some sort of party, gathering, group function. also, i cannot stop the reoccurring dreams about my ex husband…thoughts?
the best i could come up with is that my ex husband represents bad relationships? bad decisions?
but what does a party represent to an introvert with misanthropic tendencies who still desires community?
more to think on….

toucha toucha touch me

just like the experience
of becoming a mom
turning fifty
triggered
my identity crisis all over again…
i’m sure that little
slut
is still inside me
somewhere
but it has been ages
since i have seen her.

i thought for a whole minute about using okcupid to find dates instead of for selling art & writings….but then i had a panic attack about the whole thing.
so i remain a retired siren.

a littering of love spells

for many years now
i have been littering the universe
with love spells
looking for my one & only
only you know who
who evades me every day of my life
leaving me
today
to think
it’s just not meant
to be.

i have an aunt who divorced after having three kids with a man who cheated on her. she never re-married. i don’t think she even ever dated. i always wondered why, but now i am feeling her pain. it just isn’t an easy thing to do. to look for love much less to find it.
i look back through my journals full of lists as i put it out to the universe…my yearly vision boards with cut outs of men & symbols of romantic relationships….
i just feel like i don’t have the energy for it anymore.
i managed to hold my heart open for this long…but now it seems to be swinging shut again.

note to self

i wanted to try finger painting with my inks.

crap. yesterday i drew tarot cards (again) & got “the tower” as my future card for the third time in a little over a month. i feel like i am supposed to be learning something but it turns into a negative feedback loop as i feel defeated every time i get a sign from the universe to stop being a fuck up…and then it’s all i can do to not be a fuck up.
am i lying to myself? am i building a house of cards that is just going to fall down? do i need to scrap everything & start over?
these are the questions prancing through my brain at 2am….

plus ever since i was rejected by an employer, i am convinced that everyone hates me. why not the universe as well?

so my finger painting was not nearly as inspirational as i had hoped it would be. now i just want to curl up in a ball & cry until i can’t cry anymore.

i’m a loser, baby

always being a fuck up
is difficult
enough
why should i expect
any more
from myself
if i know i am going
to miss
the boat
why should i even try
how do i turn the race
around
so my last place finish
is first?

i drew “the tower” card in my tarot deck again & this was my immediate response. bleah. self-loathing is exhausting.
but on the upside, i really am trying to figure out how to turn the race around so my last place finish is actually a win.
it would be a pretty neat trick if i could figure it out.

i’m a boy watcher

funny that it isn’t
that
different
15 year old me
standing at my locker
talking about boys
with my girlfriends
51 year old me
standing in my front yard
talking about boys
with the divorced neighbor lady
nothing has changed
while everything has changed
& i wonder if those boys
still
have the power to crush
my heart
& i wonder
do i still have the power
to grow a new heart
& try
again?

keep your distance

what’s wrong with me
it oozes
from my skin
i am different
they can tell
you can tell
there is something
wrong
with me
take a couple of steps
back
keep your distance
i might be
contagious.

spring is here & i am spending a lot of time digging in the dirt. which makes me happy.
so why am i so sad?
i was hired to work at this nursery which was super exciting for me because i love plants & was excited about learning even more about plants & landscaping. they hired me without even meeting me. there was an online application & a personality test. i was sure i failed the personality test, but the owner seemed excited about me & hired me.
then there was an orientation. i went & thought i was okay…. but there was a bit of a cold reception….. guy told me he would call me to schedule me in. that was over a month ago. first i was all like, it’s just the unseasonably cold spring. but then it got warm. then there was mother’s day. then on my trip to a different nursery (because i can’t bring myself to go to that one) i noticed how fucking busy it was now that spring is suddenly upon us.
but no job.
and i really can’t help but to take it personally.
now i just feel sad…& pissy.

the invisible exhibitionist

the invisible exhibitionist was, in part, my response to social media. being a highly sensitive introvert, social media was especially difficult for me. why was everyone happy but me?
so instead of posting selfies with perfect hair, i inked how i saw myself, warts & all. instead of photos of my delicious meal or fantastic vacation, i posted free verse that glorified all of my short comings as a mother. as a daughter. as a friend & lover. 

i didn’t want to show everyone how well i was doing, i wanted to reassure others that they were not alone in their struggles.

the invisible exhibitionist is available through lulu.com or contact me for an autographed copy. 

image is “feral” one of the self-portraits from my book

song sung blue

these pieces are from a year ago
many art journal pages
lamenting my lonely heart
yet i somehow survived
& i will keep on
keeping on
from one valentine’s day
to the next.

up top: “song sung blue”
bottom left: “chances”
bottom right: “fear of success”

9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 for shipping & handling

i am wolf

some days i could conquer the world
howl at the moon
take no prisoners
other days i feel caught in a trap
unable to move forward
angry at myself for moving
backwards.

the other night i listened to the coyotes scream from my side porch. last night it snowed and blanketed my valley community.
looking out my window at the natural world that surrounds me is enough to keep me going even when i feel like i cannot possibly make it through another day.
and if i can actually get out of my house to be amidst the natural world…then i can ground myself & clear away all the poison that builds up in my soul.

“i am wolf. hear me howl.” ink on watercolor paper 9X12. $45

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