smooches

the man jogging past my house
told me of his off leash dog
wandering towards my yard,
“he wants to smooch you,”
…that’s the most action
i’ve gotten in a long time.

just a random page–the first page–in my newest journal. i have written many pages, but i am slow to getting my drawings done while working on art for my etsy store.

notes on being an outsider, part II

a community does not like an individual.
in both nature & society you can see what happens when one of these things is not like the others.
i don’t know why i am different.
nurture?
nature?
something entirely else?
why was is so easy for my sister to conform why i simply could not?
i remember trying to conform once.
just once.
it didn’t last long.
& of course i have tried to join communities…but i always feel like i am wearing a skin
that is not my own
a badly fitting facade.
i am happier alone.
however…
a community does not like an individual.

and then i’m going around raising four more individuals. what will happen to them? they seem happy to be who they are. i am glad they are happy, but am i setting them up for disaster?
is there a community out there that celebrates individuality? (the island of misfit toys?) i’m sure there are some that believe they do…however, i have yet to find one.

notes on being an outsider, part I

it never surprises me to find i am unpopular…aye…unliked.
i think it surprises me though to find i am liked.
i does surprise me…but i know if i sit tight, the madness will pass.
likewise, i won’t even believe if someone tries to tell me i am loved.
such a thing i cannot fathom.
love is impossible.
i am comfortable amid neighbors who will not even make eye contact with me.
amidst a community who seems to value me, i know one day they will realize their error,
grab their torches & pitchforks,
& punish me for my perceived deception.

i have moved from a liberal town of people whom i did not trust to a conservative town of people who do not trust me. why am i more comfortable around people who openly judge me? i guess because i trust them more than i trust the people who are quietly judging me–which is what the liberal communities do. they are nice to my face, but what are they hiding?
i grew up in a small town of rednecks. i couldn’t wait to get away from them. but after a lifetime of community jumping, i have come to realize that rednecks, at least (even if i don’t agree with them) tell it like they see it. people who claim to be progressive, often pretend things are something they are not.
in my experience.
so i put myself in the blatantly hostile environment where no one pretends that i fit in–that way i can know exactly where i stand.
does that make sense?
it does to me.

more comics in progress

title: the wonderland that is social anxiety

1st…shopping with the amish
me: do you have any straw for sale
clerk: check with owen
me: okay

2nd…my thinking: why didn’t i ask who owen is?
straw hat & beard, right? haha.

3rd…my thinking: i should ask them, but i’m pretty sure
they were speaking english before they saw me….
(two men speaking gothic german)

4th…me: nope! no straw today, thanks!

i was at this amish store one day, and i went up to ask the clerk something. i posed my question to the man standing next to the check out counter only to be told, “i don’t work here.”
i was mortified. i felt like a total ass. i think this contributed to my not asking, “who is owen?”
yay for social anxiety.

i am having fun translating my thoughts & obsessions into comics. these are all rough doodles. maybe i will finish them one day? maybe there will be a more neurotic comics! eventually?

contrary

i want love
i am not lovable
i want a man in my life
men suck
i want a relationship
no one wants to be near me

there’s a quick trip into my head. yay–fun! sometimes i’m all–yes! time to open up to the possibility of love. usually quickly followed by–who the fuck would ever love me?
my tarot cards are predicting a time of relationship building…& i did see a tall dark stranger on a walk in my hometown….
but of course i’m being ridiculous.
i will die a lonely mom.

wishes

i spend all of my wishes
desperately
holding my family
together
every wish on every star
to counter act
the wishes they make
against each other
against themselves
every eleven eleven
a prayer for a truce
an end to the fighting
i have no wishes
left over
for me.

this is kind of a reflection of something a lot of parents go through, i think. giving everything to your children & having nothing left despite the advice of self-care for better parenting…

i suppose every family fights? i have only known two families, my birth family & the one i have made. it seems that fighting is genetic.
but still it empties me out. watching siblings torture each other & then cry that they are not loved….

and then i wonder if it is my fault. if i have done something to make peace an unattainable goal. if my monstrosity is what fuels their bitter fights. something they learned from me despite all my efforts to not be a monster…. especially when i find myself wishing i could make a wish for me sometimes.

tolerating the intolerable

one of my gifts
my dysfunctional super powers
one of the survival instincts
that kicked in
early
was an ability
to tolerate
intolerable
situations
breathe through
breath held
one day at a time
with the prize in sight
always
with my eyes on that prize
…escape
ignoring with all my might
the pain
surrounding
me
until the day
i would no longer
have to.

i spent my abusive childhood waiting for the day i could run away. i moved out of that house the week i graduated high school.
in every dysfunctional relationship, i plotted my escape. tolerating the intolerable until i could safely leave.
all the messed up places i have lived…i pretended it wasn’t so bad until the day i could move away.

motherhood is the only place i refuse to do that…
wait…or am i doing it? holding myself just together enough until the day my spawn finally fly away from me….
fuck…how can i even tell? it has become second nature.

free flying

so many times
of my angel & demon
fighting
for the dominant
shoulder
my thinking
i’m a terrible person
when i let my
demon
fly free
…now
i find myself

thinking
“huh”
maybe my demon
should
have the reins
maybe my demon
knows
best.

i am not sure my demon knows best. some pretty dark thoughts have rattled around in my head these past few days. long story short, demons & motherhood are a dangerous mix….
but i do value my demons. i always have. they have some great ideas & give my life so much texture & color!
they do get me in trouble…but now i find myself wondering if that is so bad. maybe creating a little trouble is a good thing. shaking things up. maybe if i didn’t fear the opinions of others & worry that i am upsetting someone or another….
yup. still doing the dance of finding balance. of finding me.

sucks

maybe the trick
is just
keeping the energy vampires
at bay
after a life spent
being sucked
dry
live a full life
a happy life
while they all go
fuck themselves.

i was inking this & was all like–a dodo bird! i have been inking all of these “guide” animals & have not even done one of my favorites…the dodo bird!
so i am totally trying to figure out where i fit in & who i am…this involves digging around through all the things i thought i knew about myself & about life…. it’s a bit exhausting.
i really don’t like falling prey to energy vampires, but it seems whenever i go out into society, i immediately get sucked dry by them.
so do i just not go out into society anymore? or do i make myself a nice garlic suit? or a combination of the two?

solitary

instead of feeling awkwardly
self-conscious
when i am alone
in a crowd
i have embraced
my solitary
state
i hold my head high
no longer worried
that people are judging me
because i
am no longer
judging me.

i don’t know if people notice my awkwardness at public events. i do know that i have pulled off just looking aloof & unapproachable (based on what people have told me) even when feeling like i am sticking out like a big sore thumb who shouldn’t even be there….
but i wrote this after realizing i could just embrace being solitary rather than feel self-conscious about it.
huh.
a change in perspective is always nice.

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