brain on fire

there are some days
when it is all i can do
to make it through
the day
brain on fire
skin as a prison
just make it through
the day.

i’m betting i’m not alone with this feeling. especially these days. but we do make it through. together. i’m here for you.

mass withdrawl

you know how most kids act out
for attention
not me
i withdrew
the less attention i got
the more i withdrew
the more i withdrew
the less attention i got
until i had dug myself a nice little hole
& stayed there
even when i did get attention
i dug the hole a little deeper
because now that attention
terrified me
& all i could do
was hide from it.

here is more on what is happening for me in a more general way…why i am struggling…why i can’t seem to get my shit together. i am comfortable with being invisible…but now i am letting myself be more & more visible. and that is wreaking havoc with a number of my personalities.

stuffing down the crazy

whenever i am put in the role of the
sane one
i stuff down my crazy
whenever i have to be the rescuer
i hide away my struggles
& honestly
it feels kind of nice to be free
of the crazy
to feel the calm & control…
but you can’t escape the crazy
it comes back
sooner
or
later.

i touched on this yesterday, my observation of what becomes of me when i am put in a role i am not happy about. it would happen a lot (still does) with my ex-husband when we are parenting together. i have to be the level-headed one.
i don’t like being the level-headed one.
as an empath, when i am forced to care, i shut down.
it can be fun for awhile…then i start dying on the inside.
yay!

the deep end

told i could not swim & then
thrown into the deep end
my family of origin
all of us fucked up
in our won special way
all of us
thrown in the deep end
trying not to drown
& pushing each other under
i was finally getting my stroke down
making my own waves
when they grabbed me
by the knees
pushed me down
by the shoulders
pulled under
again

i have been struggling more than usual lately, trying to get my wonky head back on straight….
then my sister, with a history of mental illness, became despondent & suicidal and my being the only one living near her, put me in the position of rescuer & caretaker.
this is not not not a position i enjoy &, in fact, i begin to fall apart even more when put in this position.
so here i am
trying as hard as i can
to keep my head above water.

(at least i am able to be consistent in my metaphor…)

halos & horns

halos & horns
is that how i see the world
is that how i see myself
halos & horns
do i deserve to be happy
is that the question that needs asing
do i deserve to feel
whole
or is being hole mean embracing
my halo & horns.

i am totally naming my next collection of art “halos & horns.” i am not sure what it says about me that i am always drawing halos & horns & wings on my people…except that catholicism did a number on me.
i am always asking so many questions! maybe one day i will ask the right question & get a real answer…one day….

this is what i want; this is what i need

what do i need right now?
pornographic emails from a cute stranger?
or a shoulder to cry on
a friend who can listen
do i need to get laid…or do i need a hug
all of the above?
what do i need right now?

turns out i do not need pornographic emails…do i want them? that is a completely different matter. right now, however, i am focusing on my needs. the pornographic emails were nice?…kind of…they made me wonder too much about the motives of the sender…and what it said about me. i mean, attention is nice…but i need the right kind of attention.
i reached out to someone with mental health issues just to check in–and i am not sure what happened after that. it got graphic a lot faster than i was comfortable with….
it was like, jesus, buy a person dinner first.
i never realized a virtual fuckbuddy could be a selfish lover…
you learn something new every day!

call me

chunky mother of four ISO punkrock feminist lumberjack
i am feral with bouts of rabies
wicked smart
creative as fuck
prone to shaving my head but nothing else
great smile
nice tits & ass…

i wrote this as yet another attempt to invite romance into my life. i recently sent it to a boy who invited me to flirt with him…and it got grossly misinterpreted. he started sending me the nastiest emails. i tried to go along & tried to tap into my inner slut…but i am no longer fuckbuddy material (if i ever was.) i had to make it clear to him that i needed a lot more from any relationship than just some dirty talk. not that i was opposed to the dirty talk…i just want more from life than that.
so i told him.
and he ran away.
which is okay because i have a lot on my plate right now. a suicidal sister camping out on my couch & four insane minions & an offer in on a house that is a “craftsman special”…plus my usual mental health issues…a new book coming out…and life the universe & everything.
so if said boy can’t play…i can take my toys and go home and wait for jason mantzoukas.

pulled heart muscle

i overextended myself
did too much heavy lifting & threw out
my soul
too many visits outside my comfort zone
now all i can do
is hide
or cry
or vomit
…dealer’s choice

in exploring why i am crying anytime anyone talks to me and avoiding social interaction for several weeks now…i have come to a few conclusions. this is one. it is as true as any of my other observations about my current state of intentional isolation.
i’m hoping once i have it all figured out, i can once again venture out of my cave…carefully.

matchbook

you sit on your box of matches
fingers itching to burn some bridges
too much commotion
in your soul
voices whispering that they never liked you
anyway
& you are bound to disappoint…
one bridge already burned…or on fire
at least
a friend boarding a train bound for disaster
& you are unable to endure
another
trainwreck.

i recently broke up with a friend…no, wait, not even. i ghosted her. the ol’ irish goodbye. i didn’t even know i was going to do it, but on retrospect, my feelings of not wanting to deal with it any longer had been building for awhile. my resentments had been building for awhile.
it is so hard to deal with other people’s drama sometimes.
and once i set that bridge on fire, i really wanted to keep setting fires…but i am sitting on my box of matches…trying to wait out my angst to see clearly.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑