the invisible exhibitionist

the invisible exhibitionist was, in part, my response to social media. being a highly sensitive introvert, social media was especially difficult for me. why was everyone happy but me?
so instead of posting selfies with perfect hair, i inked how i saw myself, warts & all. instead of photos of my delicious meal or fantastic vacation, i posted free verse that glorified all of my short comings as a mother. as a daughter. as a friend & lover. 

i didn’t want to show everyone how well i was doing, i wanted to reassure others that they were not alone in their struggles.

the invisible exhibitionist is available through lulu.com or contact me for an autographed copy. 

image is “feral” one of the self-portraits from my book

song sung blue

these pieces are from a year ago
many art journal pages
lamenting my lonely heart
yet i somehow survived
& i will keep on
keeping on
from one valentine’s day
to the next.

up top: “song sung blue”
bottom left: “chances”
bottom right: “fear of success”

9X12 inking on watercolor paper
$45 plus $5 for shipping & handling

i am wolf

some days i could conquer the world
howl at the moon
take no prisoners
other days i feel caught in a trap
unable to move forward
angry at myself for moving
backwards.

the other night i listened to the coyotes scream from my side porch. last night it snowed and blanketed my valley community.
looking out my window at the natural world that surrounds me is enough to keep me going even when i feel like i cannot possibly make it through another day.
and if i can actually get out of my house to be amidst the natural world…then i can ground myself & clear away all the poison that builds up in my soul.

“i am wolf. hear me howl.” ink on watercolor paper 9X12. $45

notes on being an outsider, part II

a community does not like an individual.
in both nature & society you can see what happens when one of these things is not like the others.
i don’t know why i am different.
nurture?
nature?
something entirely else?
why was is so easy for my sister to conform why i simply could not?
i remember trying to conform once.
just once.
it didn’t last long.
& of course i have tried to join communities…but i always feel like i am wearing a skin
that is not my own
a badly fitting facade.
i am happier alone.
however…
a community does not like an individual.

and then i’m going around raising four more individuals. what will happen to them? they seem happy to be who they are. i am glad they are happy, but am i setting them up for disaster?
is there a community out there that celebrates individuality? (the island of misfit toys?) i’m sure there are some that believe they do…however, i have yet to find one.

notes on being an outsider, part I

it never surprises me to find i am unpopular…aye…unliked.
i think it surprises me though to find i am liked.
i does surprise me…but i know if i sit tight, the madness will pass.
likewise, i won’t even believe if someone tries to tell me i am loved.
such a thing i cannot fathom.
love is impossible.
i am comfortable amid neighbors who will not even make eye contact with me.
amidst a community who seems to value me, i know one day they will realize their error,
grab their torches & pitchforks,
& punish me for my perceived deception.

i have moved from a liberal town of people whom i did not trust to a conservative town of people who do not trust me. why am i more comfortable around people who openly judge me? i guess because i trust them more than i trust the people who are quietly judging me–which is what the liberal communities do. they are nice to my face, but what are they hiding?
i grew up in a small town of rednecks. i couldn’t wait to get away from them. but after a lifetime of community jumping, i have come to realize that rednecks, at least (even if i don’t agree with them) tell it like they see it. people who claim to be progressive, often pretend things are something they are not.
in my experience.
so i put myself in the blatantly hostile environment where no one pretends that i fit in–that way i can know exactly where i stand.
does that make sense?
it does to me.

more comics in progress

title: the wonderland that is social anxiety

1st…shopping with the amish
me: do you have any straw for sale
clerk: check with owen
me: okay

2nd…my thinking: why didn’t i ask who owen is?
straw hat & beard, right? haha.

3rd…my thinking: i should ask them, but i’m pretty sure
they were speaking english before they saw me….
(two men speaking gothic german)

4th…me: nope! no straw today, thanks!

i was at this amish store one day, and i went up to ask the clerk something. i posed my question to the man standing next to the check out counter only to be told, “i don’t work here.”
i was mortified. i felt like a total ass. i think this contributed to my not asking, “who is owen?”
yay for social anxiety.

i am having fun translating my thoughts & obsessions into comics. these are all rough doodles. maybe i will finish them one day? maybe there will be a more neurotic comics! eventually?

inez malstom

being the embodiment of earthly punishments
used to bother
inez malstrom
but now she gets a slight high
just thinking of it
a case of the giggles even
sometimes
she thinks it would be nice
for once
to be an earthly reward…
but that is probably reserved for someone named
jillian.

i have written so many beginnings to stories. you never know. i might finish it…turn it into a comic, a short story, or even a novel, but for now it lives as a journal page.

i think i recently read in a book a quote by a poet to the effect of: i write instead of screaming
for the life of me i cannot access where i read this. i have been reading a lot of books lately.
nevertheless–this is true for me. my writing & my art are what i do to keep from losing my mind. so i take these dark little thoughts and try to make something beautiful (?) out of them…or at least something interesting.

ninja entourage

a ninja
doesn’t want
an entourage

i thought this when i was walking somewhere with my minions. sometimes it is very difficult for me to go anywhere knowing i will have an entourage if i try to leave the house.
so this made sense to me.
i am totally a ninja.
after i had this epiphany, i arrived where my entourage & i were headed and announced that a ninja doesn’t want an entourage. the millennial man with long hair & talk of veganism at this get-together turned to my 12 year old (who is SO NOT A NINJA) and asked him, “are you the ninja?”
like, what the fuck, a chubby fifty year old woman can’t self-identify as a ninja?
ack.
this contributed to my current state of no longer socializing.
(i am a ninja)

on a completely different train of thought, as i drew the seal in this inking, i realized that my cattle dog looks just like a seal (you know, with pointy ears & four legs.)

pariah

one nice thing
about a lifetime
as a social
pariah
not much
time
nor
energy
is spent trying
to
fit in
with the
conventional…
indeed
you are able
to see
the
whole
picture
because your place
in the nosebleed section
allows
for a
panoramic
view.

i really don’t mind being a pariah. every once in awhile it gets lonely…but i like not having to worry about what people think of me.

another ardhaanarishvara…then it turned into an airship.
sometimes that happens
androgeny & airships…another one of my bands.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑