my way

i’ve got a chip
on my shoulder
i’ve got
an axe to grind
&
fuck you
i’m gonna do it
my way.

more of this. anger…angst…figuring out who i am. the hero or the anti-hero…i think i am more of the second one. when i try to be the hero things just get messy.
so maybe the trick is accepting that i am not the hero.
& wondering if i ever really even wanted to be the hero.
i mean, i showcase my flaws–i don’t hide them under spandex. i definitely lean to the dark side while still holding something of a moral compass.
i guess things just aren’t as black & white as hero & villain. & who would want them to be? things are much more colorful this way.

a horse called fury

i am not a martyr
for my cause
i am not
going to suffer
so you can
live
without sin
i will ride in
on a horse called fury
i will swing
my sword
indiscriminately
&
i will
burn
this motherfucker
down.

you will all be relieved to hear i was able to download more criminal minds after i figured out that the site i use had changed addresses & i was following a dead link…. yup.
in last night’s watched episode, my favorite character (dr. reid) said, “everything falls apart…the trick is letting go.”
which i’m sure he was saying right to me–yes?
it feels to me like i am often watching everything fall apart.
add in trying to figure out who i really am…am i a good person? or am i a serial killer who just has not yet been triggered? i honestly lean more to the latter these days.
i am exhausted by thoughtless people.

speaking of! i am playing with two new ideas for comics.

the invisibles

and the misanthropic philantropist

single mom ISO

single mom iso an intelligent conversation
single mom looking for someone to laugh with
single mom seeking a shoulder to cry on
punk rock mom looking for a friend
anarchist mom iso someone who gets me
artist mom hoping for a little romance
genius mom with a backlog of “that’s what she said” jokes
waiting for the right
somebody

i am pretty much always writing my “do you like pina coladas” tagline in my head. all the time. it is kind of soothing. however, i have learned not to actually go on dating sites. i am not the type of person they were designed for.
so i write my little dating site ditties in my head and stare longingly at my handsome handyman
& never lift a finger to actually make a move to find my so-called soulmate
knowing the universe is sick of my shit
and i am bound to die alone.

hide & seek

i used to hide
hoping someone
would come find me
no one
ever
did
(except once)
now i hide
knowing no one
is looking
for me
i am
alone
with my
siren song.

written on my birthday in case you were wondering how i fared on that day.
if you are curious about the one time someone came looking for me when i was hiding, check out my book confusion perfume and other neurotic comics where that phenomenon is documented. available through amazon!

i was hoping to feel better, but i am either sabotaging myself yet again or something else is going one…maybe the universe kicking me in the ass? like–why won’t my downloadable tv site work?? just let me escape into crime tv! please!

but no. my new (used) sink is leaking. i have failed the free store. my kids are out of control. the yard needs to be mowed. and i cannot download any television because the site i use is down….

sigh.

& i’m alone & lonely….

good friends

lamenting my lonely
blaming the monster
that is me
for the void
of relationships
in my life…
& then
amidst my fit of self-loathing
my son
the one most
like me
to whom friendship
does not come
easily
asked me
“then is it my fault
i have no friends?”
& i answered
for the both of us
“sometimes it’s hard
finding good friends”
knowing
that neither of us
wants to settle
for less.

last night i dreamed about a friend i had in my early twenties. a male friend. a really good friend in my dream thoughts. & waking up i wondered how much of my drama he had to deal with before he just stopped dealing with my drama…at which point i would have decided he was a crap friend.

then i wondered if i should just give up on having close women friends…but now that i’m older, maybe it’s more difficult to find male friends as well?
all of them married or worse….
ack!

meanwhile, i hold everyone to an unrealistic ideal and run and hide at the first sign of rejection.

and i spent my whole birthday crying because i just wanted someone in my life to be the one planning my birthday for me.
as scary as relationships are
it sucks being alone.

just another pretty face

maybe they are
all jealous of me
as dear old mum
liked to tell me
when i was sad
& lonely
& unable to find
my tribe
the other girls
forming packs
leaving me behind…
maybe they all think
i’m just another
pretty face
with nothing notable
to contribute
sure
put baby in a corner
she’s just an airhead
just another
pretty face
…says the lady
who doesn’t even believe
in her own
prettiness.

this was written during a meeting i was at where all the other women seemed to be pretending they couldn’t see or hear me.
i would like to think that the post-fifty competition wouldn’t really be a thing…but like my mum, i couldn’t think of a better reason for being left out of the clique.

here is my pretty face 2 days shy of my fifty-first birthday

evasive creature

i am beginning
to suspect
that the narrator would describe me
as cold
distant
an evasive creature
funny though
i never saw me like that
&
i know me
i know i have a warm heart…
but fickle.
both courageous
& timid
who the fuck am i?
why are relationships
so fucking
hard
for me….
no i am not cold
& distant
maybe i’m just using
that mask
when it suits
me.

it’s like i do know who i am–but who am i? i was pondering this while getting energy/body work. i am definitely going through something. the body worker told me that as far as my physical body–i was in good shape. things were moving & improving. but in my brain, i am having lots of meltdowns & feeling terrified. panic attacks over mail being delivered (although my village clerk does keep sending me “helpful” information on lawn ordinances–so that might be part of that.)

sigh.
drawing all those flowers did help soothe me….

one month at madness manor

i was told
just the other day
that i need to back up
rewind the movie in my head
& replay it
with a new ending
so
now i have the angry mob
walk backwards down my street
put their torches out
and use the fire
to back cookies
which they bring me in baskets
with bottles of good whiskey
and they give me hugs
tell me what a good neighbor
i am
what a wonderful addition
to their community.

the other day i was driving home on the wind-y backroad i like to take, and i kept seeing rabbits. being witchy, i went home to check the symbolism of rabbits. rabbit, i read, calls his fear to him. he is so scared, he calls his fear right to him.
i feel like i am totally doing that.
terrified of being along. terrified of fucking up. terrified of everyone hating me.
i am so loud with these fears, that i am making them true.

so other than playing the movie backwards…what can i do?
(playing the movie backwards is helping–calming some of my anxiety)

less than zero

it’s like when you’re waiting
for him to call
so you can break up with him
…but he never calls
& you realize
for how much you just
hate him
for breaking your heart
he barely thinks anything
of you….

i’m sad. going through a friend break-up. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we had a rough patch some months back when i freaked out & withdrew…from her as well as most of my life.
but then i apologized & tried to make it work, but she up & left me for another man…er…i mean, she left me for a man. a relationship. a whole family.
she left me. i’ve been cut right out of her life.
just like that.
you know what? it fucking hurts. it fucking hurts to realize how little you actually mean to someone….

i’m not sure why my illustration turned out so sunny. maybe i’m trying to cheer myself up?

get the flock outta here

a wolf
but not in sheep’s clothing
(they itch too much)
a wolf trapped
in a pasture
letting the grass grow long
to the disgust
of the flock
hiding in the flowers
that the neighbor sheep
long to mow down
a wolf
in plain view
terrified of being noticed
of being
chastised & condemned
for being
who she
is.

(this is about me)
i’m freaking out about city ordinances & the fact that i really just don’t fit in. i grew up in a small town. i suffered for it. so now i move into an even smaller town?
maybe it will all be okay.
but, meanwhile, i am going to be hiding in plain sight, having some panic attacks and visions of angry mobs.

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