my own reflection

alone
who can i blame
but me
alone
my screams
fall on my own
ears
alone
i look at my reflection
really look
this time
not me reflected
in someone else’s
eyes
but
me
standing before
myself
will i hold
myself
up
or push me
down?

i’m thinking of changing my look. i think i could pull off some faux fur. and maybe martinis might be in order.
i have been sober many days now…it is not pretty.

i am going through some stuff.
what? no? not you!
yes, but different stuff. like my usual stuff is sorted & put away, and now i am on to new stuff.
i feel like i am trying to wriggle out of an old skin…but i am struggling to get that fucker off my back.
lots of anger & snarky behavior…which then causes a spiral of guilt & oh-my-god-i-suckness.
fun fun fun.

i wish i knew how many layers this onion has…how many more levels i have to do before i win.

this is a card i’m sending to my sister for her birthday (shhh)

sometimes i get the rabies real hard

i’m just gonna
phone it in
today
seems my rabies
is having itself
a
flare-up
& no one
especially not me
can do
anything
right.

it is difficult to tell if it is just my normal bad disposition or if it is a symptom of my impending crone-dom (don’t tell anyone, but this is my last year as a forty-something.)
but i get so fucking snarky sometimes.
so fucking snarky.
my poor kids know to hide & not draw fire…the dog puts herself in her crate…while i wreak havoc. go on a rampage. vent like a steaming hot tea kettle with little self-regulation…usually triggered by any signs that anyone expects domesticity out of me.
i am like the you in the song “dead sea” by the lumineers:
you told me you were good at running away
domestic life it never suited you like a suitcase

when i feel caged, i get especially vicious.
nothing like four kids and a house in bad need of cleaning to make one feel caged…or it’s menopause.
i really can’t tell the difference.
on an unrelated note (not really,) my current dowry is a six pack of flying dog’s raging bitch beer.



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