puzzle box

who i am
is
changing
how i do my art
is
changing
how i see myself
is
changing
it’s like
one of those puzzle boxes
where you move
one piece
&
all the other pieces
shift
into
place
dominoes
that seem to be
falling
but in reality
are creating
a bigger picture.

something is shifting inside of me. which is awesome, but i have to remind myself that just because i finally start moving, i can still get stuck again…or often, when one problem is fixed, another rears its head.
so now that i am starting to heal the ugly me & let her believe she is pretty, who will show up next?

i feel pretty III

i used to worry
that people
would think that i think
that i am
pretty
now
i think
i will go ahead
& know
that i am
pretty
& not give a rat’s ass
whether they agree with me
or not.

i’m not going to go out & join any pageants or put together head shots for modeling…but i am going to stop ducking my head & acting like i’m offending people by showing myself in public.
so far so good

two-fer

“makeover”

who am i
if i am not ugly?
who am i
if i am not
self-loathing?
how do i imagine
myself
as anything other
than a
monster?
i have told myself this
story
for so
so long
how do i write a new
ending?

“in the cards”

the cards tell me to
let go
(let go let go let go)
of something
no longer
true
the cards tell me
i cannot see
my true potential
through
warped lenses
the cards
however
do not
tell me how to let go
they do not tell me
how to see myself
through a lens
not
contorted
by self-loathing.

my tarot cards are always telling me to let go of something & i’m all, “i have let go of everything….” except, i realized, my self-loathing & stubborn belief that everyone looks at me and sees some hideous monster. that everyone can tell i don’t belong. that i am ugly to the core.
can i let go of a belief i have held close for most of my life?

ugly

this one didn’t really turn out
or did it?
i feel this way sometimes
ugly
hidden
falling apart
i sincerely have spent my life
feeling like
a mistake
a monster
a misfit
but then i look at my children
& i wonder
how ugly can i be
if i have made
such beautiful babies?

when i look in the mirror, sometimes i see a beautiful person & think i’m the bee’s knees…but still i consider myself one of the ugly ones because of how i am seemingly received by the general public. it’s like my art & writings. i love them…but often it feels as if no one else does.
& sometimes it just feels like everything i do is ugly.
except for my kids. they’re beautiful.

quiet

quiet
i’m listening
to the deep inside of me
there’s a message
to me
from me
i just know it
a lesson not quite
learned
some gentle
inspiration
combing the fur of my monsters
collecting the eggs
of my demons
encouraging a cooperation
within
me
a new day of…
no, not hope
but faith
faith that i can learn
to calm the storms
while also
celebrating
the wildness
of my stormy
self.

i woke up and watched the eclipse the morning i wrote this page. it was magical.
otherwise, i have been in kind of “pause” mode for the past few days…weeks…. this is an overwhelming time of year. i think i just have to sit & listen. it’s pretty much all i can do right now.
but it is an important part of healing (& creativity)….

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