obligations

i don’t feel like
moving
i just want
to disappear
but that’s not
really an option
is it
some asshole
had the bright idea
to become a single mother
a freestore manager
to buy a house
that needs so much
work
(so much work)
some asshole
gave me obligations
so now i have to
fucking
get out of bed
even though i just
don’t
wanna.

i talked about this yesterday. of course i wrote this page on the 7th of july & it’s like 10 days later? still feeling it, i guess. not as much though now that i’m past my birthday & don’t have my next painful anti-versary coming up until next month? september for sure…
meanwhile, fuck i have a lot to do.

corrupt

i would like
to stop
feeling despair
when you
leave me
in my dreams
i would like
to stop
feeling despair
when i wake up
& stare
into the abyss of
single motherhood
& the severe lack of options
for said
single mom…
as children scream
& i slowly lose my mind
i think
“surely i am from
corrupt stock….
damaged dna
&
surely
your genes
are just as deeply
flawed
resulting in said
screaming
mind-blowing
children….
if only
this person of despair
could go back
in time
& counsel the me
before you….”

bad bit of mothering these past days…. but, before you judge me, come live in my house for a week.
my minions are off with dusty for the week, & i slowly recover my lost mind.
hopefully enough to do more sound mothering in future days.

mother grim

open a beer
or open a vein
whiskey shot to the head
or gunshot
you don’t know
you don’t know me
& how it feels
sometimes
to try
every day
to be a mother
to these ones
every day
every day
every
day
i make this decision
bag of wine
or bag over the head?
relish these years
when they are little
they say
kids grow up so fast
you don’t want to miss it
they say
miss it?
i am deep as fuck in it
living it
despite myself
every day

have you ever heard of “highly spirited children?” yeah. i have four of those.
they are wonderful, beautiful, brilliant, funny, explosive, screamy, dramatic little things. i love them dearly, but sometimes i find my thoughts wandering over to the dark side.
right now they are with their dad–who again–challenged our placement agreement.
whenever he does, i examine my determination to keep being their primary caretaker–to make sure i am not doing it for selfish or controlling reasons.
i discovered that even though i sometimes think i am a crap-ass mom…i completely believe it is best for our children to have me as a primary caretaker. even though i sometimes feel i am going insane with the stress of being a single mom & of raising four strong-willed children, i think i owe them that little bit of stability that being with me gives them.
i have been there for them since day one. i have a commitment to them. so, sure, sometimes i think dark thoughts, but hopefully–expressing those dark thoughts will help me work out those demons so i can be a better mom.
that’s important to me, being a good mom.
not a traditional or conventional mom, but the mom they need me to be. a crazy-ass mom who (most the time) can roll with the punches.

ps. i don’t drink box wine or else i would have known to call it box wine not bag of wine. oh well….

caged bird drawing

clipping digital
coupons
entertaining children
with my drawing
skills
(at least someone
appreciates
them)
baking bread
washing dishes
cooking meals
wiping butts
dreaming
of
being
fabulous
while living life
in the body
of a low income
middle aged
single
mother
of four
i took the bait
without seeing the
trap
i made my nest
without seeing the
cage
now i sing my
song
but
nobody
hears
me.

more moping.
you would think, after thirteen years, i would have a hang of this motherhood thing.
but no.
i still look & wonder & cry that i am alone at it.
alone & broken.
maybe in a parallel universe i have a supportive husband who did not make my life hell for shits & giggles.
maybe in the parallel universe, being a mom does not feel like a trap & a cage.

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