crap basket

i for one
am glad to live in an era
when it is
at the very least
acceptable
for a mom to curse like a sailor….

it’s the little triumphs i have to celebrate.
i am watching alias grace on netflix and wondering at the idea of a proper woman not being able to go to a pub by herself without it being a scandal or an invitation for mens’ attention…
but now that i write that…would i pass for a “proper” woman? being that i am outspoken, open-minded, and believe i am in charge of my own body?
and–wait–do men today still see this as an invitation after all our so-called progress? i mean, i used to work in bars, and in my off time i would hang out at the bar, writing or reading, because i am that special kind of socially awkward introvert who craves being around people…but doesn’t want to actually talk to them.
nevertheless, my being in a bar, alone, occupied or not, was seen as an invitation. and, more than once, i had a man get angry at me for not giving him my full attention when he initiated a conversation with me.

maybe it’s no wonder i curse so much.

and i just had a conversation with dusty–who is still here because my back is still fucked up and i still haven’t convinced him to leave again….
i mean, was it yesterday i swore i would not talk to him anymore about anything other than stuff to do with household?
alas…but al franken and my understanding that probably the majority of men have done shit like that or at least laughed and encouraged other men to do shit like that…
i accidentally started a conversation
and it quickly turned into what women had done to him…which–yes–should not be discounted–but not used to counter what millions (billions??) of men are doing to women daily and with no public or personal backlash?

it’s no wonder i curse…& drink….

sigh.

goddess

when i was just 19
i pulled a knife on a guy
well
i guess
actually
he was my boss
i pulled a knife on my boss
because he kept
grabbing my ass
not just grabbing
but fondling
stroking
caressing
my ass
i really don’t know
if i ever said “no”
i was a good girl
taught to
smile!
to be pleasant
to say “yes” to men
especially those with authority
smile!
be pleasant
so he would molest me
as i tried to do my job
working in this kitchen
in this college town
just 19 years old
and i probably
nicely moved away
nicely tried to keep my distance
nicely smiled
until
one day
i grabbed a kitchen knife after he touched me
not a sharp one
a notorious dull one in fact
but i grabbed a knife
and held it out
as a threat
as i smiled.
he smiled too
and walked into the knife
to show he wasn’t afraid of me
it barely scratched him
if at all…
but!
he never touched me again

goddess2.JPG

i have been embarrassed about this for years. i can’t believe i pulled a knife on someone. not just someone, but my boss. i don’t talk about this story because i felt like i was in the wrong. all these years, i have felt like i was in the wrong for doing it. i beat myself up and tear myself down for not having better coping mechanisms.

but i really didn’t. i was never taught to stand up for myself. quite the opposite.

so i snapped and went into fight or flight. flight hadn’t been working out for me. so i fought. and i won.

so why do i look back at this memory & cringe?

fuck that bullshit.

today i am cheering for that poor little girl. today i’m ready to tell him where the fuck to get the fuck off. fuck intimidation. fuck molestation. fuck all that. i am proud of myself for finally standing up for myself…even if it was in a pretty drastic way.

goddess1

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