fair to middlin’

to quote myself over on my patreon page:

my shadows are part of who i am. without those dark spots, you wouldn’t be able to see my bright colors & beautiful light…. without my dark bits, i think life would be much more dull.

i am still creating over there, should you want to do the dollar a dance to see what i’m up to.
here’s a sneak peek:

meanwhile.
i’m doing okay-ish. i keep crying & wondering why i am so sad & then remembering the folks in new zealand & then crying some more.

i feel like i am on a cusp…but i often feel that way. maybe i just live on the cusp.

& i updated my profile picture. i love the old one (from spring of ’16) but always felt weird posting serious comments with a laughing face. i know it shouldn’t bother me, dark & light & bright & shadows and all that…. one of the reasons i liked my old profile picture is that it was one of me with my hair down–as it was taken in the morning (i often wear a tiara first thing in the morning) before i got pissed off at my unruly hair & tied it back. but lately, i’ve been wearing my hair down…my own little attempt to embrace the wildness that is me. to stop tying myself back. so here’s a picture of that.

one day my smile will return. i just know it. being on the cusp & all….



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room with a view

baby
it’s cold outside
yet the birds 
that flutter outside my window 
as i write & draw & dream
don’t seem 
to even know 
i saw a hawk take one out 
the other day 
a streak of brown 
in a white background
and dinner was served 
today 
a vole runs back & forth 
across the snow 
gathering the sunflower seeds 
i threw 
to the juncos
such
determination
& my
undying
admiration.

i get excited whenever i take a selfie that doesn’t look like crap…so, here’s an ink-free self-portrait.

INKtober sixth

is it something in the wind?
is it a changing of the seasons?
you try to remember the last time
you felt
like this
the last time
you realized
you
still
love
him
the last time you convinced yourself
to believe
things could be different between you & him
was it just a few months ago?
longer?
you remember screaming
at him
& throwing him
out of your house
your second son’s birthday…
the last time you invited him in
into your house
& opening
your heart
a little
just a little
the door peeked open
& he pushed his way in
& you pushed him back out again
& again
& again
until you wonder
why is there a revolving door on your heart?
& why
why
after all this time
all these years
why is he still
doing this dance
with you?

selfie with my dodo, y’all.

so i talked to my tarot cards tonight…about my crazy-ass feelings for my ex-husband, aka dusty…
i was told to control my impulses…to not jump into anything…to not abandon the path i have worked so hard on taking….
sigh.
my tarot cards never let me have any fun.
but, of course, they are right.
even if i were to work things out with my very handsome though emotionally stunted & narcissistic ex-husband, i should not–should definitely not–rush into it.
of course, i don’t know how to not rush into things…so i guess now is the time to learn.

in other news,
i lost my favorite pen. it has completely vanished. poof. gone. a replacement tip in the same size is $17.00 (i have several pens with clogged tips & could just switch out a new tip in the size of my favorite pen.) i have ordered one because the art must go on…but, i am on the verge of being very very broke & you know, donations are always welcome…as are purchases of my art.
should i set up a patreon page or something?
ack!
i need an agent/broker.

pretty me

i have done a rough of page three, episode three…working title “homicidal mama.”
yay
look at me go.
it’s not easy killing off dusty. just yesterday i looked at old pictures of my dusty…and felt that same tug inside me. and today watching season two of “broadchurch” and seeing the relationship between lee & claire and knowing that like that fictitious relationship…dusty is a drug to me….
i have to kill him off.
i’m sure you understand, dear reader.

but i think all my art therapy is doing me some good. the minions are gone for the week and i’ve doused my hair with manic panicĀ and have somehow tapped into younger me. so she & i are hanging out.
it’s all good.

smaller me

holy crap, i sure don’t look 48 in this selfie.
younger me can come & hang out more often…as long as she behaves…ish.

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