who am i ?

the only thing
i’m good at sharing
is my pain

…but when i went to write “pain”
i almost wrote “heart”
i started to write “heart”

i am the first to underestimate me

who am i?
who do i want to be?
what if i’m not so godawful as i think
i am?
what if i am already
the person i want to be?
what would my reality be if
i am not
an asshole?

seriously. i started out this journal page with the idea of all that i am good at sharing is my pain.
but instead of writing pain…i started writing heart.
and this totally fucked with my head.

like something i posted on facebook earlier this week.
the more i find out about other people
the more i realize…i’m not really that bad.
i’m not the crap-ass i think i am.

so…well…i guess this means i’m having an identity crisis for christmas.

maybe this will be a good holiday after all….

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spigot of passion

spigot of passion
a high school friend
dubbed me
because i fell in love
so easily
and back out again
just as easy
“just wait; she goes through men
pretty quick,”
another friend told a girl
who wanted my boyfriend
some years later.
meanwhile
i have a history of
boyfriends of friends
approaching me
like an easy
target
a plaything
…this is what the world thinks
i guess
of girls like me…
i just wanted to kiss a boy
(never someone else’s boyfriend)
what’s so wrong
with a girl
who likes boys?

this one is out of order. and i think it might need a longer platform…maybe a whole comic.
i wrote it today, while i have two pages waiting in the queue to be illustrated.
but the way i wanted to paint it came to me, & i just had to do it.

i was looking through the friends of a friend on facebook and saw one of the boyfriends of a friend who drunkenly tried to get with me. it kind of triggered this. i mean, he wasn’t the first or the last boyfriend of a friend who tried to do this.
so i began to wonder…why me?
and although i wanted to credit it to the fact that i am very different than most people–thereby attractive…i think it just comes down to the fact that i like sex and that was grossly misunderstood by the world at large.
i like boys.
i like kissing.
and i will go after a boy i like.

i guess girls aren’t supposed to do that? they aren’t supposed to be the aggressor?

fuck me.

i just like kissing.
and sex.
and boys.

what’s so wrong about that?

(please no lewd or weirdly suggestive responses to this post. you know what? men, just be quiet here. i am expressing something. don’t make me feel like trash for it.)

this mighty trap

i don’t want to do this anymore
i don’t
what if
every life decision
i make
is just my setting myself up
for failure
i don’t want to do this
anymore
but i have built myself
this mighty
trap
& i don’t know  how to get out
& then i find myself thinking
well…there is that one way out…
you know
the one we’re not supposed
to talk
about?
& then i think
no.
but when i read
an obituary
i can’t help but think
lucky fucker

this was just about as low as i got this week. of course, there is no escaping my life. it’s not like i can drop the animals off at the humane society & my kids off at the orphanage & go live on the french riviera…
instead i have to do the hard work. you know, learn how to cope. learn how not to resort to being an asshole & then hating myself & hating my life.
yeah.
that.
i guess i need to do that.

ps. though i like to draw myself nude because it seems to portray how vulnerable i feel. i have this weird (catholic?) fear of drawing my pubic area. i was pleased with myself for fashioning a “fig leaf” of sorts in this self-portrait.
ha!

unlovable me

one thing i have succeeded at
one thing i am really good at
one thing i can do
i have completely internalized
that i am unlovable
done!
check mark that box!
my beautiful frankenstein monster’s complex
see?
i have even named it
it is a part of me
i have let it become me
i have let it define me
wrapping its sticky kisses
around me
whispering
“who needs ’em? it’s you & me against the world”
a battle i have already lost
because deep down
don’t laugh
i just
want
to be
loved….

a fellow blogger…and dare i say–friend–wrote a nice review of me in an effort to help me override my setting of self-sabotage.
that put me in a tail spin of imposter syndrome & unlovablility & made both really happy–but also want to dig a hole & hide away…so i got to examine those reactions and write journal pages about them.
yay!
see, you too can poke the demons! you just have to be nice to me and make me question those little whispering bastards.

unraveling me

i need this day
to blow itself
away
sad sings in my heart
as i wonder
where does the wonder
spilled from me
for the world to see
where does the wonder go?
is it looked after?
cared for…
nurtured?
these parts of me i share
does someone love them?
as i do?
or are they callously treated
roughly handled
piddled upon?
i wonder should my wonder suffer
is it best to sew up these wounds
stuff it all back in again
fester in silence?
or
do i keep to my journey
and continue to unravel
my mysteries?