in my next life

i have let you go
so many times
i am not sure
i know how
to hold on
i have spent so much
so much
of my life
trying to get you
out
of my heart
what if the door
has finally
closed
but it’s okay
you know
it’s okay
if you never come back
if you never
come back to me
i always have my next life
i know in
one of these lives
i will get it right
in my next life
surely
you will be
mine.

originally posted on february 9th, 2018 & a blatant rip-off of egon schiele

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another one for the invisible exhibitionist…. my exes can all fight about which one of them this is about because since writing this, i have decided i do not want to see any fucking one of them in my next life. they all can just fuck the fuck off. i plan to enjoy my next life–free of narcissistic assholes.
i like how just turning the smile up a tinge gave this a whole different look…i look like a dreamy fucking twat who would totally wait lifetimes for assholes.

i might need a nap…or some whiskey….

so i watched the 80’s movie tootsie with my boys last night. it was way way better than i remember it being.
i didn’t remember all the feminist awesome-ness of it. i didn’t remember the main character being such a womanizer & doing a 180 when he began pretending to be a woman (due to being such a devoted character actor, i’m assuming.)
i totally didn’t remember the scene with bill murray’s character coming home to stop the co-worker from raping dustin hoffman’s character and dustin hoffman saying, “there is nothing funny about sexual assault,” when bill murray’s character jokingly calls him a slut.
a good movie to watch with one’s young adult children…even though there is an occasional “fuck you” (PG rating though!) …but it’s not like my kids don’t hear stuff like that out of my potty mouth (what? no!)

so there is my 80’s movie review for this post….

speaking of inappropriate behavior from men, it has been drawn to my attention that a certain ex in-law of mine has been reading my blog–probably in order to stalk my sister or just to be icky.
so i just want to say–knock it the fuck off. try being a decent human being for a change.

in my head

sometimes
i wonder
if i have become unhinged
adrift
unglued from reality
if i am actually
buried neck deep
in snow
or sand
maybe at the bottom of the ocean
or the end of the universe
dreaming
my
life
naked in line at the bank
a double agent
a grave robber
drifting
through another time & place
while
somehow
still anchored here
collecting eggs
&
watching sunsets.

originally posted on august 26, 2018

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another one i am not sure about…but i re-did this one today. parts i like…parts are bugging me.
& i’m feeling physically better, but i am still an emotional stress-filled pool of muck.

lately i am liking my brush & bamboo work better than my pen.

oh! i put myself on the okcupid of the town i want to move to. i am hoping to find guys who can help me unload my moving truck when i move there. am i the only person who uses okcupid as a way to find free labor? isn’t that what dating is all about? trade of services?
(maybe this is why i am unlucky in love…my jaded approach to relationships)

the turkey stands alone

yesterday
all of my livestock went to live
with a very nice red-haired farmer
who knows what the fuck he is doing
& isn’t just winging it
like some kind of off-kilter homesteading maniac…
i think i learned
many many things
from my livestock experiment 
(not to be confused with my motherhood experiment)
although some of what i learned
is very similar to my motherhood
experiment…
yesterday
my yard emptied out
no more ducks…chickens…goats…or sheep
just the turkey stands alone
and i feel 
a lot
sad
but also
a little
relieved.

i’m telling the minions…it’s a new chapter…a new episode of our lives. change is not necessarily a bad thing. change can be good. really really good. 
but it’s still sad.

meanwhile, i have gotten a little done over on my patreon page.

and a birthday card & a patron card

all of me

i just wanted to see
if i could fill up
a page
with me

originally posted on february 1, 2018

another one for the invisible exhibitionist.

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i have been sick all week. plus i did a 10 hour roadtrip to a small iowa town & then did a four hour roadtrip  with picnic & half-assed hiking the next day to pick up the minions.
i totally want to move to that small iowa town…but am having trouble finding a rental or other living space…. i’m trying to trust & to not freak out about it.
but i am freaking out a little.
which makes my head cold that much worse. & my minions are also sick. so i am not able to rest much.
i have not been drawing or writing much at all in the past week. i’m tired. i’m so super stressed out sick. oh–& i have the menstrual cramps real hard.

i have been wanting to re-do “all of me” for awhile. it’s one of my favorites. i like how it turned out.

& for my next trick…

surviving myself
may be
the best trick
i have ever done
now you see me
now
you still
see me
i’m still here
manacles
straight jacket
cement shoes
submerged in a tank full of every tear
i have
ever
cried
&
i climbed back out
i
survived.

i will rise again

i am in the midst
of an artist’s block…
my pen won’t cooperate
my hand ignores
everything i tell it
my muses have all gone
missing….

i have been trying to do art journal pages, but i have ended up ripping out pages, ripping up pages, re-doing the same picture over & over & over….
something is amiss.
but i am working on it.
& i am not giving up.

the above is a birthday postcard being sent to a friend…
below are a couple of sneak peeks of art journal pages over on my patreon page…i have been relying heavily on edward gorey to help me through my block…interestingly enough, i drew two different self-portraits with my arms thrown up in the air….

fish fingers & custard

we got the eleventh series of doctor who
from the library
jodie whittaker’s first season
as the doctor
we are beyond excited
i am making fish fingers
& custard
as we have been watching
the matt smith episodes
lately
i could not find custard
in the aisles of a midwestern grocery
& all the pudding had food dye &
corn syrup
so i am making custard from scratch
it is ridiculously
easy to make…
i may suck
in other areas of motherhood
but i know how to
celebrate a new
doctor

in other news…i need to find a place to live. as soon as possible. i can feel the need to be out of here. it sticks to my skin & makes me irritable like time is running out and i do not know what my mom is capable of so i just want to be gone…to be
a ghost….
somewhere
where
she
can
not
hurt
me.

a quick & messy inking of me as the fourth doctor, a man who opened windows in my young mind….

harpy love song

my heart
shrieks
for you
like a falcon
on the hunt
echoing back
it sounds like a
harpy call
so desperate
lonely
& bitter
i cry to the sound
of my heart
shrieking
& wonder
who could ever
ever
be lulled
by the sound of it.

there is a struggle happening in my heart as i try to find that ever elusive balance between light & dark…hope & despair.

as i contemplate my impending search for a new home for my minions & me & the money involved, i think again, how nice it would be if you would be my patron….

i post almost daily over there & you can read those posts for just a dollar a month.
for five dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you a handmade birthday card.
for ten dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you two cards annually.
for twenty-five dollars a month, you get to read all my posts, you get two cards, and a commissioned 8X10 inking.

pea-ed off

lately
i have been
thinking of life
like
the princess & the pea
no–
the pea
is not
for me
you see
i know i am a princess
a true one
at that
for look how easily
my skin
bruises
not to mention
my heart…
the pea is for
every man
i encounter
i hand him
my pea
to see
who
he
will be
but
so far
i have found more frogs
than
princes.

this one cracks me up. but it’s true. i will think, “hey, he’s kinda cute.” then he will do just one thing wrong, and i will be like, “eww. what did i see in him?”
just little things too.
it might just because i am of a certain age with a certain history of dating any fucking mo who came along.
i think i wrote about this the other day. probably after i had written this page. everyone’s a bit of a disappointment to me right now.
yet still i wait to be crushed by the one who can’t sleep a wink because my pea is too hard. (what??)
speaking of, i am goofing off over on okcupid again.
why?
boredom? desperate but not serious? longing for a deep conversation with a nice pair of eyes?

oh! in other news, do not read rick springfield’s memoir–it’s a real stinker. like i have to tell you that.

my own reflection

alone
who can i blame
but me
alone
my screams
fall on my own
ears
alone
i look at my reflection
really look
this time
not me reflected
in someone else’s
eyes
but
me
standing before
myself
will i hold
myself
up
or push me
down?

i’m thinking of changing my look. i think i could pull off some faux fur. and maybe martinis might be in order.
i have been sober many days now…it is not pretty.

i am going through some stuff.
what? no? not you!
yes, but different stuff. like my usual stuff is sorted & put away, and now i am on to new stuff.
i feel like i am trying to wriggle out of an old skin…but i am struggling to get that fucker off my back.
lots of anger & snarky behavior…which then causes a spiral of guilt & oh-my-god-i-suckness.
fun fun fun.

i wish i knew how many layers this onion has…how many more levels i have to do before i win.

this is a card i’m sending to my sister for her birthday (shhh)

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