loving the lunatics

holy crap
what if
what if
you can’t do
normal
what if dysfunctional
is the only
speed
you move at?
you say you want
stable & secure
but then
then
you secretly shop for
fucked up
you crave crazy
you love the lunatics
lists of issues
are a turn-on
is this your sickness?
is this something
you can recover from?
or is damaged
&
broken
just the way you
roll
your own
warped
happy
ish
ending.

originally posted on october (inktober) 7th of last year. this page of the invisible exhibitionist was inspired by/stolen from one of my favorite male artists (& a bit of a freak himself) egon schiele.

i usually post a picture of the finished portrait next to the original…but my camera, abused by minions, refuses to work. i had to go shopping for a cheap replacement & am waiting for it to arrive. when it does, i will post some before & afters of this page as well as “the wrong one.” though i still don’t like my re-do of “the wrong one” (i tried three times to get it right) as much as i did the original.
sigh.
for love, support, & a new camera... (haha, you totally thought i was going to link you to my patreon page….)

itching to leave my cocoon

itching to leave my cocoon
itching to bloom
i’ve been in here too long
safe & snug
throughout my cold & dark
transformation
into a bright eruption
a moth to the moon
a bee to a flower
my purpose
awaits.

stream of consciousness verse. that’s basically how my brain works. if you ever have a conversation with me in person, it’s not too different than reading my brain outbursts here & in my art journal.
disjointed thoughts
mixed metaphors
backstories
in all the wrong places….

but i digress! i am itching to get out of my cocoon. i feel like that is what my time here at my childhood home has been. i feel like that is what my submerging myself into my art journal exploration of my dark & drippy psyche has been.
i’ve written out all the parts of my brain that i can right now. i’ve written them out to make room for new thoughts.
revolutions & epiphanies await.
just have to shake free of the rest of this
chrysalis
rise from my tomb
& go.

for a front row seat to all the amazing things i will do…just a dollar a month, y’all.https://www.patreon.com/emjemccarty

gender bending

my first boyfriend
wore face powder
& lip gloss
(i still remember
the smell of kissing him)
his hair
was longer than mine
but once i shaved
off all
my hair
every one of my boys
had hair
longer than mine
because i so loved
the girly boys
with their long
slender
fingers
& their long
batting
eyelashes
every once in awhile
i dated
a chiseled-chin
dimpled cheeks covered
in manly stubble
all the more fun
to dress
them in
lacy lingerie.

this poem was inspired by a completely harmless innocent tiny little crush on my gender fluid editor-to-be…because i wouldn’t be me if i didn’t develop inappropriately intimate feelings for someone i am to be working with….

meanwhile, the ryan renolds movie marathon continues. (i watched the nines last night & loved it. i am pretty sure i am also a nine & that i have created y’all)
i bet ryan renolds would look hot as fuck dressed in “women’s” clothes….

in other news, i am having dizzy spells & my head feels weird…so i’m pretty sure i have a tumor. here is a conundrum…how does a hypochondriac know when they are actually sick? my anxiety manifests as physical symptoms…but what if i really am sick & just dismissing it as stress-induced?…(see how that can spin out fast?)

also, my lawn really really is supposed to be mowed by conventional standards, but i have a hard time thinking about mowing down all those innocent flowers.
if it weren’t for ticks & mosquitoes, i would totally have a wild as fuck lawn.

may the fourth be with you.

mother grim

open a beer
or open a vein
whiskey shot to the head
or gunshot
you don’t know
you don’t know me
& how it feels
sometimes
to try
every day
to be a mother
to these ones
every day
every day
every
day
i make this decision
bag of wine
or bag over the head?
relish these years
when they are little
they say
kids grow up so fast
you don’t want to miss it
they say
miss it?
i am deep as fuck in it
living it
despite myself
every day

have you ever heard of “highly spirited children?” yeah. i have four of those.
they are wonderful, beautiful, brilliant, funny, explosive, screamy, dramatic little things. i love them dearly, but sometimes i find my thoughts wandering over to the dark side.
right now they are with their dad–who again–challenged our placement agreement.
whenever he does, i examine my determination to keep being their primary caretaker–to make sure i am not doing it for selfish or controlling reasons.
i discovered that even though i sometimes think i am a crap-ass mom…i completely believe it is best for our children to have me as a primary caretaker. even though i sometimes feel i am going insane with the stress of being a single mom & of raising four strong-willed children, i think i owe them that little bit of stability that being with me gives them.
i have been there for them since day one. i have a commitment to them. so, sure, sometimes i think dark thoughts, but hopefully–expressing those dark thoughts will help me work out those demons so i can be a better mom.
that’s important to me, being a good mom.
not a traditional or conventional mom, but the mom they need me to be. a crazy-ass mom who (most the time) can roll with the punches.

ps. i don’t drink box wine or else i would have known to call it box wine not bag of wine. oh well….

running with wolves

i just know you guys
are all
holy fuck will she ever shut up about her patreon page
but
no
here i am again
pimping myself
taunting you with a little taste
to lure you
to spend a some money
on me

the picture above is one of the pages of my latest series, “running with wolves,” where i examine my feral nature.
also, i have done pages on my latest epiphany–the one where i realize i have deluded myself into believing i had “true love”–twice–fucking it up both times.
turns out
i’m not a fuck up…i’m just delusional.
yay!

i am trying, in addition to supporting my own creative nature, to learn to support other artists & writers as well.
if you are interested in some kind of swap, let me know.
you all are totally worth it. reading your stuff & looking at your art brightens my every day & often inspires me.

change is not death

“If you don’t release something voluntarily, it will cause you pain when it is snatched from you against your will.”

this card was driving me crazy because sometimes it feels like all i do is let things go.
what else can i let go of?
then i caught myself going to a dark
dark
place when i saw a friend’s loving post about his wife.
right? why should that cause me pain??
and that is when i realized what i needed to let go of
my fantasy that i had once had
true love
& had lost it through carelessness…
to stop being angry & depressed about losing something
that was never mine
to begin with.

i journaled about it over on my patreon page (more pages to come) & am trying to process it out.

i also have added a couple of more pages in my new series about being feral.

don’t laugh

so
a spirit guide
came to visit
in the form
of a sloth
[don’t laugh]
a sloth
who climbed
up
to give me
a hug
climbed me like a tree
for a hug
& i hugged him
[don’t laugh]
feeling his warmth
& feeling okay
just before
he sunk his
long sharp teeth
into my neck
telling me
“shit happens”
a sweet hug
& a mortal
wound…
that about sums
it
all
up.

i have been playing around with doing past life regression ever since i had the vision of myself being a murdered celtic queen. i downloaded a past life regression meditation & the first time i listened to it, i saw myself as a young boy in georgia of the russian empire around the beginning of the 1900s. desolate & lost & alone. jumping forward, i saw myself as a young intellectual in a city. a revolutionary. executed during the russian revolution.
after the regression, i was guided to meet with a spirit guide. the above free verse describes that encounter….
huh.
i have done the regression once since then. i ended up as the celtic girl/woman again. & i had a completely different spirt guide that time. not nearly so gruesome & creepy.
maybe i will do a page about that as well.

& yesterday i conjured a bald eagle! i have started taking walks several times a week to combat my “middle age” bulge. so me & the minions were walking yesterday when misha asked me what a bald eagle looks like. i described one, but she suggested we could look them up on my laptop when we got home.
i replied, “maybe we will see one on our walk!” we live near a small river & not terribly far from a bigger river & occasionally do see bald eagles. however, it has only been a handful of times in the past couple years.
nevertheless, just five minutes later, a bald eagle flew over us.

pretty fucking cool.

& today is iggy’s birthday.  he is eleven. i never cease to be amazed by my kids in our “buy-nothing-new” & low-impact lifestyle. misha & poppy wrapped up a bunch of their own toys, cash, & candy  to give to iggy. (using the tissue paper that our bamboo toilet paper comes wrapped in.) iggy was thrilled with everything he got.
sometimes i feel like i am doing something right….

IMG_2519

searching for the sun

should i dig my hole
and hibernate?
forever ever after?
or should i grab my
essentials
and set out
in search
of the sun?
my own bright
light.

orignially posted on december 27, 2017
another page for the invisible exhibitionist

IMG_2474

coincidentally, yesterday, on my patreon page i was also writing about my search for the sun…but a more sexy search where i am the moon & my once & future soulmate is the sun….

when i started the re-do of this one, i was like–oh no, this is all wrong…but the more i worked on it, the more i liked it. so i am staying with the new version.

in my next life

i have let you go
so many times
i am not sure
i know how
to hold on
i have spent so much
so much
of my life
trying to get you
out
of my heart
what if the door
has finally
closed
but it’s okay
you know
it’s okay
if you never come back
if you never
come back to me
i always have my next life
i know in
one of these lives
i will get it right
in my next life
surely
you will be
mine.

originally posted on february 9th, 2018 & a blatant rip-off of egon schiele

IMG_2468

another one for the invisible exhibitionist…. my exes can all fight about which one of them this is about because since writing this, i have decided i do not want to see any fucking one of them in my next life. they all can just fuck the fuck off. i plan to enjoy my next life–free of narcissistic assholes.
i like how just turning the smile up a tinge gave this a whole different look…i look like a dreamy fucking twat who would totally wait lifetimes for assholes.

i might need a nap…or some whiskey….

so i watched the 80’s movie tootsie with my boys last night. it was way way better than i remember it being.
i didn’t remember all the feminist awesome-ness of it. i didn’t remember the main character being such a womanizer & doing a 180 when he began pretending to be a woman (due to being such a devoted character actor, i’m assuming.)
i totally didn’t remember the scene with bill murray’s character coming home to stop the co-worker from raping dustin hoffman’s character and dustin hoffman saying, “there is nothing funny about sexual assault,” when bill murray’s character jokingly calls him a slut.
a good movie to watch with one’s young adult children…even though there is an occasional “fuck you” (PG rating though!) …but it’s not like my kids don’t hear stuff like that out of my potty mouth (what? no!)

so there is my 80’s movie review for this post….

speaking of inappropriate behavior from men, it has been drawn to my attention that a certain ex in-law of mine has been reading my blog–probably in order to stalk my sister or just to be icky.
so i just want to say–knock it the fuck off. try being a decent human being for a change.

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