i just wanted to see
if i could fill up
originally posted on february 1, 2018
another one for the invisible exhibitionist.
i have been sick all week. plus i did a 10 hour roadtrip to a small iowa town & then did a four hour roadtrip with picnic & half-assed hiking the next day to pick up the minions.
i totally want to move to that small iowa town…but am having trouble finding a rental or other living space…. i’m trying to trust & to not freak out about it.
but i am freaking out a little.
which makes my head cold that much worse. & my minions are also sick. so i am not able to rest much.
i have not been drawing or writing much at all in the past week. i’m tired. i’m so super stressed out sick. oh–& i have the menstrual cramps real hard.
i have been wanting to re-do “all of me” for awhile. it’s one of my favorites. i like how it turned out.
though i feel comfort at the thought of a no-more a never-more i am invested in this story & long to know how it will unfold will i laugh? will i cry? i will not stop turning the pages of my life even if at times i feel like setting the book down & walking the fuck away, i come back i come back i pick up where i left off my story this is not the end.
originally posted on august 31, 2018
another one towards the one day realization of the invisible exhibitionist.
i tore up so many versions of this. i am still not completely happy with the final…but there is a lot i like about it too. i am not sure why i went with lewis carroll’s drawing of alice for this one. i do know that i have always loved this illustration. when i re-did it, i worked from my version of the illustration, without looking at his, which is my habit. to work from my own art that i first borrowed from someone else…. if that makes sense.
anyhoo! i noticed that this as well as my last post are about survival & not doing myself in as the little voices sometimes suggest…so that’s nice.
i pull on my depression like an off-white cable-knit sweater thick & heavy like an irish fisherman would wear & i pretend it looks good on me it’s comfortable at least my depression well-worn though it is getting a bit ripe from being worn so long i snuggle deep into my depression fantasizing i can stay there deeply mired & barely aware of the daily struggles that knit me such a snug sadness.
originally posted on august 29, 2018…i really liked this one & thought it might look good with bamboo pen for the invisible exhibitionist…& i do like the way it looks, but i imagined doing it with a small head being enveloped by the sweater…. however, as usual, my head got away from me. i might try doing another version–as i love this image & verse so much–but i did like this version enough to post it here.
my mood lately, i wish for that sweater…it’s more like uncomfortable underwear mood right now. something isn’t fitting right, but it’s too much trouble to change my clothes…that’s my mood. maybe i’ll do a page on that.
i don’t like the way my heart quickens when i see your name i don’t like that my first instinct is to hide the crazy to trod gently to not scare you away i don’t like the yearning i feel when i see your eyes when i read your words… the last thing i need is another broken heart.
this was originally posted on july 24, 2018. i used bamboo pen on the re-do. i really like it. i am hoping to get enough of these together that i can publish a book of self-portraits & free verse. so stay tuned.
this morning i was heavy with dreams. usually i wake up and can’t fall back asleep even though i don’t want to get out of bed. this morning, even if i tried to wake up, i was pulled back into dreams. my dreams did not want to let me go. they were fun too. i had moved back to austin, texas & was having romantic trysts with two of my more tragic crushes. ah…yummy.
this was written as i was considering having a crush on someone. however, that person kept being such a bonehead that i could not fully fall head over heels for him. that’s the problem with crushes. i’m fickle, & they usually piss me off before i can be completely crushed.
after writing about needing some mad love so i can lose some weight…i started thinking about my crushes. other than johnny shipley, in all my years of tripping into love, there is only one other crush who did not end up disappointing me & still holds a bright spot in my heart. jimmy phillips. ah…he was a sweet one. even though he borrowed my toothbrush & then told me it was time to get a new toothbrush…he was still too good to be true. maybe if it’s the right guy, nothing will disappoint me. then again, both jimmy & johnny ran for the hills after just a short romantic interlude with me. maybe i only fall for impossible men…but that’s a post for another day.
so there’s the tough bit, y’all. i fall in love easily…but i fall right back out again almost just as quick. poop.
yesterday as i was driving i don’t know why i played & replayed the song “loverboy” by billy ocean i do not know how many times i listened to the song feeling a pull in my heart painful & yet… i kept playing the song crying along to the lyrics feeling the pain of it but enjoying the pain of it? being an empath i am never sure if i am feeling what i feel or feeling what another person is feeling… in this case, i guess, billy ocean but i kept playing that song then i looked up to see that the semi-truck in front of me had a sign on the back of it a picture of a beacon with the word “beacon” yesterday i wrote about how my heart has become a beacon my heart is a beacon…but i have not taken down the walls around it so i am kind of like a lighthouse warning of the rocks… i wonder how do i take down the walls how does my heart become a beacon of welcoming?
in addition to working on a collaboration with benjamin davis of his story fetish an illustration i am doing using my bamboo pen & ink brush
i am working on turning part of me into a fiction story a lot like i did (am doing) with “fallen” the story of a 40ish mother who realizes she is the devil “stolen” is a realization of a past life experience
done in my art journal like my other pages like my other self-portraits but different in that one day it will be a full-length story. i am pretty excited about it though as i am inking yet another treasure map while my fetish pages dry i realize i have a lot going on and expect myself to totally keep up with all my projects
and i wonder…what makes me think i can do all this? who is that part of me?
i have written eight art journal pages since last night eight art journal pages in my new journal but i have yet to draw me… i am having a bit of a creep day (radiohead would understand) and drawing requires a more delicate touch or maybe i will just go with the thick black angry lines that are bound to happen when inking while angsty…. however the drawings will come as i have decided one cannot do too many self-portraits. so stay tuned, my lovelies….
some doodles for those of you who think i’m a one trick pony…haha…i got lots of tricks…i am a tricksey hobbit.
to do list for the week of no minions: illustrations for another writer’s work pages of moses jones self-portrait art journal pages the invisible exhibitionist chasing ghosts maps! maps! maps!
have i properly processed my feelings? have i managed to grow past events that shackled me from years & years ago? am i healing? am i ready to move on? my brain festers that much less rabid thoughts calmed i stopped i took time i listened to me… did it work?
i picked an easy one today. i have like fifty more to go? as i re-do my “best” self-portraits with an end project in sight. a book? a showing? something titled, “the invisible exhibitionist: look at me! (don’t look at me)”
i liked the verse that went with this one as well. i mean, i am feeling again as if i have reached a point of healing–made progress. you know, a year later…but still!
needing pisses me off i keep my needs buried until they become my molten core & eventually i erupt covering anyone near me in raging lava & i am left to punish myself for having had needs to begin with for having let my needs out to create injury…. but what would happen i wonder if i just asked for what i need?
continuing my brain dig for answers about my inability to have healthy normal needs…or being unable to deal with them in a healthy normal way. the thought on this page is continued onto the next post i am doing–“needless pt. 3″…so stay tuned, my lovelies.
i went through my old journals last night. four journals of self-portraits. i was trying to figure out who to re-create & who would stay put. alas alack, there are so many self-portraits i just love…which i suppose is a good thing…but i really should narrow them down unless i am going to try to publish an encyclopedia of me…. anyhoo. going through all my old stuff kind of inspired the illustrations for the two pages i worked on last night (needless pt. 2 & pt. 3)
dude, i am almost done with a fifth journal of self-portraits, and i haven’t even picked any from that journal yet…. encyclopedia of me it is!