begin again

grizzly bear dreams
daring me
to trust
to love
to open the door
that i slam
shut
in fear
that door
i use all my strength
to hold
shut…
what happens
if i open
the door
& discover
my grizzly bear
is
a
teddy bear?

these are the first two pages of a brand new journal.
a brand new world
a brand new me?
i have dreamt of grizzly bears in the past & was able to analyze myself back then & realize that the grizzly was my fear of motherhood. then i stopped dreaming of them & haven’t dreamed of them in years.
but the other morning, i woke up to another terrifying grizzly bear dream. i am never harmed in the dreams, however, i am extremely scared & take measures to avoid being attacked.
in the case of this most recent dream, i slammed a door shut & begged others to help me hold it shut.
upon waking, since i identify with grizzly bears & have a medicine card deck (identifying the grizzly as protector of my feminine) i am able to be aware that the grizzly is not a threat to me & being my feminine protector, grizzly bear advocates for self-love (as well as love of others & motherhood.)
so i am afraid of loving myself? i have been working on learning to love myself…which i’m guessing resulted in this dream, reminding me of how silly it is to be afraid.
so!
i began to envision opening the door and hugging that huge grizzly bear head instead of trying so hard to keep her out of my life.

an exercise in self-love

this was more difficult that it looks.
but it is my effort to not feel underserving all the fucking time.
so like the other day they started knocking down the house across the road from me, opening up the view of the valley:

the view is now breath-taking, but because i spent so much time wishing that house was gone–& now it is–i feel like i have done something wrong.
right?
jesus fucking christ. why can’t i just enjoy the view?
& today while doing yoga, i was admiring my feet that have healed up after being infested with warts for 18 years, and somehow i felt like i didn’t deserve to have pretty feet?
what the ever-loving fuck.
so i wrote this page. my punishment for feeling unworthy?
ack.

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