puzzle box

who i am
is
changing
how i do my art
is
changing
how i see myself
is
changing
it’s like
one of those puzzle boxes
where you move
one piece
&
all the other pieces
shift
into
place
dominoes
that seem to be
falling
but in reality
are creating
a bigger picture.

something is shifting inside of me. which is awesome, but i have to remind myself that just because i finally start moving, i can still get stuck again…or often, when one problem is fixed, another rears its head.
so now that i am starting to heal the ugly me & let her believe she is pretty, who will show up next?

i feel pretty II

if i am ugly
that
justifies
my feeling
like a misfit
an
outcast
i am more
comfortable
as a pariah
than as a
popular
so
i created
a monster persona
shave my head
&
bare my teeth
you best steer clear
of me
(they i can know
why i feel
so alone.)

i keep thinking back to when i started feeling this way. feeling like i didn’t belong & was surely the ugliest thing ever. a lot of it happened in grade school. i was a sensitive child, & i was weird. other kids didn’t really get me. so maybe it was easier for me to tell myself i was ugly?
easier than believing there was something deeper causing my pain?
my parents sabotaged my ego
my peers finished me off
& i stomped on any good parts of me that survived the rest of it….

two-fer

“makeover”

who am i
if i am not ugly?
who am i
if i am not
self-loathing?
how do i imagine
myself
as anything other
than a
monster?
i have told myself this
story
for so
so long
how do i write a new
ending?

“in the cards”

the cards tell me to
let go
(let go let go let go)
of something
no longer
true
the cards tell me
i cannot see
my true potential
through
warped lenses
the cards
however
do not
tell me how to let go
they do not tell me
how to see myself
through a lens
not
contorted
by self-loathing.

my tarot cards are always telling me to let go of something & i’m all, “i have let go of everything….” except, i realized, my self-loathing & stubborn belief that everyone looks at me and sees some hideous monster. that everyone can tell i don’t belong. that i am ugly to the core.
can i let go of a belief i have held close for most of my life?

pariah

i already suspect
everyone
hates me
yet when it is confirmed
that
someone
hates me
i spin out…
that familiar
downward
spiral
“they’re just jealous”
possibly
the only nice thing
my mom
said to me
her grade school pariah
am i a threat
i wonder
something to fear
or hate?
this makes more sense to me
than jealousy
but of course
odds are
someone has to love me…
following that
would suggest that someone
must hate me
&
if the whole world
can’t love
me
then
the whole world
can’t hate me
either.

trying to talk myself in off the ledge? i’m not sure this is working.

i’m a loser, baby

always being a fuck up
is difficult
enough
why should i expect
any more
from myself
if i know i am going
to miss
the boat
why should i even try
how do i turn the race
around
so my last place finish
is first?

i drew “the tower” card in my tarot deck again & this was my immediate response. bleah. self-loathing is exhausting.
but on the upside, i really am trying to figure out how to turn the race around so my last place finish is actually a win.
it would be a pretty neat trick if i could figure it out.

i’m glad i’m me

“i love myself
i’m glad i’m me
there’s no one else
i’d rather be”
goes the storybook
i read
to my children
& it’s true
even with all my self-loathing
there is
no one else
i’d rather be.

but i really am not happy with this illustration. oh well. some days you eat the bear. some days the bear eats you.

dear diary

today…i saw myself naked & was depressed the rest of the day
today…i realized i know the least favorite songs of two of my exes and found myself wondering what to do with this information
today…i embraced my lonely & bathed in my solitude never imagining myself in another relationship & then, of course, wondered if that meant i was going to meet someone because they always say that you meet someone after you’ve given up trying & then i hated myself for wondering that….

ack.
being inside my head is exhausting. i need a vacation from me.

whisper campaign

i was getting a little too friendly with the world, you see. too butterflies & rainbows.
it made some cracked wheels turn inside me as my tragically introverted self,
my dark & morbid self, my inner brooding monster whispered in my ear,
“they all hate you; you’re such a cunt. why do you even bother?
go home. go to bed. hide in a book or better yet a tv show…just. hide.”
& i found my delight in my self-loathing. poking that bruise on my soul
as i covered all of the mirrors and windows and told myself,
“it’s okay. you’re happier when you’re alone.”

true story. this happens to me sometimes. i sometimes cannot handle being happy & friendly and stable-ish. i cannot handle being likable or successful in any way. it stirs up my demons and terrible things are said until i sink back into a gloom they are more comfortable with.

see you next tuesday

sometimes i forget
what a bitch
i am
& it always surprises me
when i realize
all over again
that i am so totally
a cunt.

i would actually rather be called a cunt than a bitch. i just like “uh” sounds better than “ih” sounds. i have been called a bitch more than once to my face (or directly behind my back.) shocking, i know.
i don’t know if anyone other than me has called me a cunt. i might start requesting it. like, if you have to call me a derogatory term of a feminine nature…go with cunt…or twat…but please don’t call me a bitch.
i used to joke that when i was a kid i thought a cunt was a car that wouldn’t start. i learned all my curse words from my father, an explosive mechanic, as he screamed them from under the hood of a car.
maybe this is another reason the word does not bother me the way it bothers most american.

the prison of me

i need to break out
of the prison
of me
i’ve built some high
walls
dug some deep
trenches
it
won’t
be
easy
but i need
to be free
of me
(not all of me)
just the bits that
whisper
the bits that
scorn
the bits that kill me
a little
at a time
telling me
i’m not good enough
not
brave
enough
not ready for the world
the bits that tell me
to just
go home
& hide away
don’t even try.

inspired by my tarot card reading that asserts i am creating my own restrictions to my happiness (with some help from the ex.)
but i need to break out of the groove
i have set
for myself
first.
then, maybe, i can stop letting others put me in boxes.

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