heavy heart

one of those lives
where it feels like
you can’t do anything right
grand ideas
living by example
trying to change the world
but your bees die
your garden grows
away from you
and no one can find
the duck eggs
you’re ready to throw in the trowel
on this homesteading gig
go back to town
have neighbors who don’t poison
the fields around you
kids for your kids
to play with
long walks to parks & libraries.
sure you have to give up
big clear skies of endless stars
& listening to the coyotes & bullfrogs
sing at night…
bury away a couple dreams…
but
you’ll dig up new ones.

i am sucking hard at homesteading right now. and this will be the third time i have used the joke “throw in the trowel” without one single chuckle.

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storm bringer

nature is chaos
we
are
chaos
look at how
they try to control
with their straight rows
& neatly trimmed lawns
denying the
wild
inside
what happens
when you
put
chaos
in a bottle
what
happens
when you try to
hide
your
wild?

mother help us

we call her “mother”
mother earth
mother nature
no wonder they fuck
her up
so completely
have you see the way they treat their
mothers
sisters
wives & daughters?
have you seen what happens
to the mothers
in this world?
maybe
maybe
we should start
referring to the earth
as a rich
white
man
so everyone will
protect the planet
instead of relentlessly
raping
her.

another attempt to relay the frustration and immense angst i feel about the world i live in. i wish i knew how to do it more eloquently. i wish i knew how to make people listen & pay attention. i can feel the urgency of the situation in my blood & thoughts…but then the trees whisper that they have a plan.
if i cannot trust man, i must have faith that the trees have a plan.

david’s battle

the seemingly
incessant
drone
as crop dusters
raid the air
above me
the earth
around me
coated in their
poisonous wake…
& i listen
to the silence
they leave behind
straining & hoping
for the hum
of pollinator’s wings
& the song
that once filled
the night air
from my frog-filled pond
dead quiet greets me now
& i lay awake
for all the noise
in my fevered
mind.

on my okcupid profile there is a question asking “what will you be arrested for?” i have a new answer now, “shooting down crop dusters.”
i am having such fantasies of holding a shotgun & taking off their tail feathers. in my mind i confront the farmers who hire them over & over, tearing their asses off most eloquently.
but i remain motionless. what do i do? i feel like i am confronting a giant that cannot even see me. i pray to the universe to give me strength & faith, but i feel so fucking hopeless about the world right now.
the crop dusters are just the super annoying poisonous icing on the cake.

i love how fierce i look in this self-portrait. i want to be that fierce. also, just sos you know…i have a lot of trouble drawing inorganic objects. that’s about as good as it gets.

turning a page

granted, due to the amount of ink & water i use, i am only able to use one side of a page, but yes–i am finishing another journal. i have written onto the final two pages & now just have to illustrate.
& i have written an entry already onto the first page of the new one.
i started the almost finished journal in early march of this year. a little over four months, and it is full.
wow.
when i look back through them, i am amazed.
who knew i had so much to say?
(okay, i knew–but before i started doing this art journal exercise–i mostly just said it to myself)
this is the fourth journal i have filled since last october when i started doing my self-portrait project. is there a world’s record for self-portraits? how many more do i need to do?

also, i am exploring more environmental/food stuff issues with my journaling–not just the wreck of me, but the wreck of all of us.
so we’ll see how that goes.

“The challenge for all of us is to find those few causes which are peculiarly our own, those to which we are clearly called, and then to embrace them wholeheartedly,” writes Scott Russell Sanders in his book Hunting for Hope.
for me, that is our food systems & how far we have all wandered away from nature & good food. the environmental effects of our lost ways. other than healing my own wounds through my art (& reaching out to others who know my pain) i hope to influence a shift in how we see our food systems and the destruction they wreak on us & on our world. maybe it is arrogance & delusion to think anyone would listen to me…but i at least have to try.

surviving ourselves

i think
we were supposed
to be
caretakers
i think
we lost our way
& now
we just reap
& sow
our sorrow
on the world
around
manifesting
our own dark hearts
to block out the light.

this post kind of goes along with the last one. i am thinking a lot about this kind of thing. actually, i spend a lot of time thinking about this kind of thing…i just never know how to approach it in my art & writings. so i am trying to venture into that…but don’t worry. my heart broke all over again so there will be more of those posts coming your way very soon.

but!
about this kind of post–which i hope to do more of in the future. i am reading scott russell sanders’s book hunting for hope and it has me thinking about hope–which i actually do have bucket loads of even though it may seem like i focus on the darker matters. i think i focus on the darker stuff because it helps me to shine light on the shadows of mine.
i want to be able to express that hope in a way that doesn’t sugarcoat but that actually heals.
so that is another goal of mine with my art.

and just for fun…here’s another picture of my face post bee sting epiphany.

bee face 011

embracing my failures

i’m not living in the past
i’m not living in the future
i’m in the right now
& it fucking
sucks
it fucking
hurts
like hell
but i’m present
i’m here
embracing
my failures.

i was doing “yoga with adriene” last night. the theme was “embrace.” she asked us, her youtube audience, to embrace something.
being one to often cry during yoga
being one who having a hard day has become more of a given than an exception
being one to spend too much time inside my head
try as i might
all i could come up with was, “i embrace my failures.”

then cried some more because i had nothing better to embrace…cried while i stretched & toned in an effort to stay sane & fit.

i wondered at my embracing failure. it sounded like negative to me at first. like a failure in itself. i had not found anything good to embrace…only bad.
but then i wondered if it might be a good thing to embrace my failures.
right?
what else do you do with them?
hide them?
hidden things tend to fester…at least in my experience.
so maybe my embracing my failures is a step in the right direction after all.

embrace
resolve
turn around
try again….

so while that percolates on that flame of my brain, on another burner i have this noticing of a recurrence of the number six in my daily life. i have never gotten around to studying numerology, but i do notice when the same number keeps popping up. like when the clock shows my birthday…or my brother’s death day….
being a good (though recovering) catholic, i especially notice a triplet of sixes–which recently showed up on the odometer of the car i just bought. and although i do not cross myself…i do feel an impending doom when i see it.
however, being a born again pagan, i thought to myself today, what does numerology say about the number six?

i found this on a google. six as a life path number. basically spelling out all of the character traits that i have that i do battle with on a daily basis. i mean, yes, of course i want to change the world & fight for the little guy…but why can’t i just lay in the grass & drink a beer? or be a traveler with no responsibilities, leaving when things get rough? why can’t that be who i am? why do i have to be the ultra-responsible, high morality, wanna-be savior of mankind?
does mankind even deserve being saved?
can’t i take a vacation?

no. because i have actually shaped my whole fucking world around raising four children to be different. to not be like everyone else. to creating a better tomorrow in the only way i know how. by being a good mom. a strong mom. and i can’t run away from it. i have to stick to it and keep trying no matter how much i feel like i’m failing…even though it seems like i am always failing…i just have to embrace my fucking failures, and i have to keep
fucking
trying.

wow, see that?
i came full circle.