a littering of love spells

for many years now
i have been littering the universe
with love spells
looking for my one & only
only you know who
who evades me every day of my life
leaving me
today
to think
it’s just not meant
to be.

i have an aunt who divorced after having three kids with a man who cheated on her. she never re-married. i don’t think she even ever dated. i always wondered why, but now i am feeling her pain. it just isn’t an easy thing to do. to look for love much less to find it.
i look back through my journals full of lists as i put it out to the universe…my yearly vision boards with cut outs of men & symbols of romantic relationships….
i just feel like i don’t have the energy for it anymore.
i managed to hold my heart open for this long…but now it seems to be swinging shut again.

from the journal of…

i just realized why i am feeling
so profoundly sad
& heartbroken
lately
i met two of my husbands
& one of my fiances
in septembers past…
september is either a very good
or very bad
month for me
romantically speaking….

and since my romantic value is so intertwined with my heart value…with my self value….

thanks a fucking lot culture that makes women worthless unless they are valued by a man.

fuck me.
or…
don’t fuck me.
i am unfuckable.
just a baby vessel who is spent already and who draws stupid pictures anyway.

there is this song that comes on the radio that makes me want to run over the artist with my truck. james arthur’s “say you won’t let go.”
man, that song pisses me off. it’s like a man proving he’s mr. perfect, caring man…like there is such a thing.
puke.
i am just feeling very oh-so crappy about love & romance & relationships & i just kind of hate everybody right now (not you though.)
if good love exists, i have never actually seen it.
which just pisses me off.

like, what did i do?
did i crush puppies in a past life?
what lesson am i supposed to learn here?

i’m pretty useless these days.
i have produced some art, but i not-so-secretly fear it sucks.
i am a terrible mom.
i just want to crawl in a hole with a bottle of whiskey.
i’m pretty sure i have no friends
or else i’d be saying this to them
not torturing you with it.
and when strangers smile at me in public, i think they must be confused.

sorry if i have sung this song before.
sorry if you are tired of it.
i just feel like crap.

and i hate my art.

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