a human connection

oftentimes i have hope
other times i don’t
belief that there is a person out there
willing to be there for me
willing to care about me
willing to help me up
when i fall down…

i so often fall down…

sometimes i have hope
sometimes i just want to hear a friendly
voice
share a laugh
talk about mundanely inane things
a warm body
so to speak
when i feel so cold
& alone

why do i feel so cold & alone?

sometimes i have hope.
maybe i shouldn’t
maybe hope is a thing that just hurts
maybe hope is a thing to put in a box
and forget all about
i wish i could forget all about
my hope
i wish i could put myself
in a box

when i posted on facebook about how my date-to-be not only cancelled on me but also blocked me on facebook, i had a “friend” comment this:

You may not like what I am about to say, but why are you looking so hard? Buy a “toy” online, and focus on your kids, your art, your animals. Isn’t the last thing you need another ex?

what the what the fuck? if you need to start your statement with “you may not like what i am going to say,” maybe you should re-think saying it. is it helpful? in this case–no it is not fucking helpful. i let this woman know that i am not “trying so hard” and that i have toys already. i also let her know that my kids, art, & homestead are my life. they are all i have. literally & figuratively. i asked her why she would begrudge me a human connection? and asked why she assumed it would be another ex?

mother fucker.

earlier that day i did my tarot & they warned me about a petty & jealous woman whose advice i should not heed. i wondered & meditated on this because i could not think of anyone like that in my life.  i concluded that it must be me. that i was petty & out to fuck myself over…huh…i guess i was wrong.
fucking tarot could have warned me that dude was going to flake out on me.
but i knew it already. i felt it already. i don’t know why though. i wonder sometimes if i was communicating with more than one person (that’s how different the impressions were when i was messaging with him.) i was sure he had lost interest. then all of a sudden he wants to see me. then he blocks me on facebook.

or is that just standard internet dating?

my brain likes a puzzle, so i keep going over details in my head.
is he married?
is he crazy?
did one of my outspoken opinions on facebook freak him out?
is he secretly a republican or a moron? (from his pof profile, fb profile, and conversations, he presented himself as someone intelligent, sensitive-ish, and on the left…however, he posted two sophomoric posts a couple of days before our supposed date…then deleted them the next day.)

i have heard other women talk about things like this happening. and on pof it happened once before for me. some guy coming on strong & then vanishing. and i kicked myself for falling for whatever ruse it was.
same here, i want to punish myself for being stupid enough to have any kind of hope of a human connection.

is it my fault for being naive & believing in people? i guess you could look at it that way. and i know plenty of people who have sworn off any hope of ever being in a happy relationship.
i can’t do that.
i can’t give up because giving up would be…giving up.

i can’t give up.

follow me

i struggled to lighten some of the darker bits with white ink.
struggled.
but i think it worked out…ish.

just my second ink in six days. february is off to a very unimpressive start. my horoscope says that my career will boom this week…for my sun sign & my rising sign. so perhaps the rest of this month will be more impressive.

and i am working on an illustration project. something i need to start spending more time with. i meant to work on it more than i did during my minion-free time…however, i spent too much of that time thinking about getting laid. and trying to figure out how to get laid. and then realizing my best option for a little sex was not an option at all because i really did not want to go there after all.

then i start wondering. the world is falling apart…should i really be this concerned about love & being loved & finding someone to love?
but love is all the time.
i mean…sarah connor managed to fall in love while being chased by a kill-happy terminator.
people fall in love during war & famine & plague.

right?

so looking for love during this god-awful time isn’t completely unheard of…right?

i’ve got two ex-husbands willing to come to my rescue. of course, their idea of rescue is mostly self-serving and has very little to do with me. i have to assure the two of them that i do not need rescuing…while i secretly hope that some strapping redhead will come to my rescue.
i have some weird viking/lumberjack fetish going on.
i really don’t know what that is about.
this might all be some perimenopausal hormone explosion.

or maybe after a lifetime of crappy relationships
and always having to rescue myself
i’m finally willing to be swept off my feet.

and then i just want to make fun of myself for being a silly romantic.

online shopping for people

i don’t have a picture for today. i might draw after i post this, but no picture yet today. or yesterday or the day before.

i totally meant to do one yesterday. i was going to take an element from one of my random drawings and elaborate on it…or give it another–a different life of it’s own?

i even exercised and ate lunch and did without coffee (i am trying to take better care of myself) but then i was goofing off on facebook. (why why why?) and fb stalked a skateboard punk i had a fling with before i moved from kentucky to wisconsin in 2002. it wasn’t even a full-fledged fling. just messing around. he actually refused to have sex with me.
for some reason or another, i looked him up.
and he’s all married to a beautiful woman and expecting his first kid. they’re being all cuddly and posing by their pool in their beautiful backyard.

and i collapsed.

i felt like a fucking failure. what is wrong with me? have i fucked up my entire life?
i totally spiraled.

and then i went on okcupid.

i don’t really believe in internet dating–or, online shopping for people as i prefer to call it. i think you should meet in person and have all the sparks & fireworks…but desperate times, people. desperate times.

whenever i feel desperate enough to do this, i fill out my profile as honestly and openly as possible to scare off the guys looking for a woman who shaves her armpits and does the make-up & heels thing. it’s not me, babe. i let them know i’m just looking for conversation…but i still get the creepers saying, “hey pretty” and “you’re so sexy.”

really??

anyhoo. usually i delete my profile as soon as men start messaging me, but i stuck with it. it occurs to me that–if nothing else–it might be good for my art & writing. i do better with distractions. and, seriously, good stories here, y’all. good stories.

so i spent all last night answering profile questions and alienating the “hey pretty” men.

tonight i am actually going out of my house…to a party…with people.
what?
yes. i am.

but tomorrow is a new year & i will have new stories & new art.

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