at least angst is an effective muse

he is the drink
that i shouldn’t take
the fall from grace
the downward spiral
to hopelessness
& a crippling
lack of faith
he is the drink
i shouldn’t take
the step towards
no control
my soul crumpled
on the floor
forgotten panties
stained & unwanted
he is the drink that i should say
to.  the drink i should
feel strong enough to

…why am i not strong enough?

i say, “i feel this way.” next time we fight he mirrors my words back to me. some fucked up mind game. some
fucked up
does he even know he is playing?
i wonder.
is it a reflex? a survival technique? does he want to hurt me?

or is he just protecting himself?


you’re overthinking it, em. i tell myself. what do you want?
what do you feel?


i don’t want to share my life with him.
he is a big parasitical turd.
i don’t want to share my life with him.
we go for a walk in the woods where i grew up.
where i wandered & where i found myself
the first time i was lost.
my church.
i go into these woods with him, and i feel like it is sacrilege.
he shouldn’t be in my church.
i shouldn’t let him near my soul.
my being.
it isn’t safe.
i don’t want to share my life with him.
is this a want? or a warning? an instinct?


maybe he’s right
maybe he isn’t the problem
maybe i am the problem
but that does not change the fact that i do not want to share my life with him.



fly away

so many of my drawings
i want to name “escape”
only to realize that i’ve already
named a drawing that
why am i so often
thinking of escape?

i have this ex-husband
who emails every once in awhile
all flirty and remorseful
wishing he hadn’t
wished me away
even proposing marriage
once more.
but the minute i say
“where was this love
when you had me?”
he disappears again
“i will bother you no more.”

until the next time
he is filled with flirty remorse
i suppose.

i have this ex-husband
who likes to lie in wait
like a lion watching for a limping
he waits for me to weaken
and pounces
all big blue eyes
and intense energy.
devouring my heart
my soul
and leaving me

i have to die inside
to push him away
because he is an

i am angry
so angry at these two men
so fucking pissed off.
i am sport to them
but they want to call it