loop de loop

i hurt you first
but you hurt me
worst
so many of my
relationships
travel this path
i push away
for fear of rejection
then i come back
just in time
to be rejected
my own little
negative feedback loop
self-fulfilling prophecy
my own
tragic ending
every time i try to be
a whole person.

relationships. can’t live with ’em…can’t live without ’em. i am a mess. my most recent decision is to just dedicate myself to my family & my art & writings to to say “fuck it” to community & relationships.
if i were a man, they would write an epic poem about me–but being a woman, i will just get labeled a spinster & children will fear me.
(i made myself laugh one time thinking about how they never have “most available bachelor” auctions for women–but if they did, it would be a spinster auction.)

good friends

lamenting my lonely
blaming the monster
that is me
for the void
of relationships
in my life…
& then
amidst my fit of self-loathing
my son
the one most
like me
to whom friendship
does not come
easily
asked me
“then is it my fault
i have no friends?”
& i answered
for the both of us
“sometimes it’s hard
finding good friends”
knowing
that neither of us
wants to settle
for less.

last night i dreamed about a friend i had in my early twenties. a male friend. a really good friend in my dream thoughts. & waking up i wondered how much of my drama he had to deal with before he just stopped dealing with my drama…at which point i would have decided he was a crap friend.

then i wondered if i should just give up on having close women friends…but now that i’m older, maybe it’s more difficult to find male friends as well?
all of them married or worse….
ack!

meanwhile, i hold everyone to an unrealistic ideal and run and hide at the first sign of rejection.

and i spent my whole birthday crying because i just wanted someone in my life to be the one planning my birthday for me.
as scary as relationships are
it sucks being alone.

innocent abandon

with the help of a beer
& a novel
i realize
i will never love anyone
the way i loved him
innocent
abandon
eyes wide open
believing it would
never
end
now i know
all about
endings
& have trouble
seeing past them
to new
beginnings.

there are a couple of relationships this could describe. a couple of forever afters leaving me jaded after they crashed & burned.
will i ever be able to find another beginning? it just seems impossible.

a giant without you

& when i went to hug
him
i realized
i had grown larger
or had he
shrunk
or both
my thriving since
we fell apart
his diminishing
without me
he felt so
fragile
& i realized i felt
tremendous
indestructible
i have grown
into
a giant
without him.

evasive creature

i am beginning
to suspect
that the narrator would describe me
as cold
distant
an evasive creature
funny though
i never saw me like that
&
i know me
i know i have a warm heart…
but fickle.
both courageous
& timid
who the fuck am i?
why are relationships
so fucking
hard
for me….
no i am not cold
& distant
maybe i’m just using
that mask
when it suits
me.

it’s like i do know who i am–but who am i? i was pondering this while getting energy/body work. i am definitely going through something. the body worker told me that as far as my physical body–i was in good shape. things were moving & improving. but in my brain, i am having lots of meltdowns & feeling terrified. panic attacks over mail being delivered (although my village clerk does keep sending me “helpful” information on lawn ordinances–so that might be part of that.)

sigh.
drawing all those flowers did help soothe me….

dream meaning

oh
so
maybe he represents
my love of broken people
my bad decisions in relationships
& maybe
he
represents my desire
to find a soul mate
a fellow free spirt
and that guy
he is my love of comics
my ambition
and the other guy
he is my forgiving myself
for my mistakes
& bad decisions
as they march
through my dreams
real people i have known
but not real anymore
now they are dream
symbols
lessons to learn
not a loss
to be
mourned.

i’m not sure that makes sense. it totally makes sense in my head. and i should have realized it a long time ago. when past boyfriends show up in my dreams, my psyche isn’t telling me i should totally find that dude i once dated…look him up on facebook, send him a letter, stalk him until i lose interest again…whatever, no! i am supposed to learn some life lesson from him. or examine what he meant to me & why…. i mean…i know what i’m trying to say, but i’m not saying it right.
ack
it’s really hot. i might have heat stroke.

one month at madness manor

i was told
just the other day
that i need to back up
rewind the movie in my head
& replay it
with a new ending
so
now i have the angry mob
walk backwards down my street
put their torches out
and use the fire
to back cookies
which they bring me in baskets
with bottles of good whiskey
and they give me hugs
tell me what a good neighbor
i am
what a wonderful addition
to their community.

the other day i was driving home on the wind-y backroad i like to take, and i kept seeing rabbits. being witchy, i went home to check the symbolism of rabbits. rabbit, i read, calls his fear to him. he is so scared, he calls his fear right to him.
i feel like i am totally doing that.
terrified of being along. terrified of fucking up. terrified of everyone hating me.
i am so loud with these fears, that i am making them true.

so other than playing the movie backwards…what can i do?
(playing the movie backwards is helping–calming some of my anxiety)

less than zero

it’s like when you’re waiting
for him to call
so you can break up with him
…but he never calls
& you realize
for how much you just
hate him
for breaking your heart
he barely thinks anything
of you….

i’m sad. going through a friend break-up. we have been friends for almost 10 years. we had a rough patch some months back when i freaked out & withdrew…from her as well as most of my life.
but then i apologized & tried to make it work, but she up & left me for another man…er…i mean, she left me for a man. a relationship. a whole family.
she left me. i’ve been cut right out of her life.
just like that.
you know what? it fucking hurts. it fucking hurts to realize how little you actually mean to someone….

i’m not sure why my illustration turned out so sunny. maybe i’m trying to cheer myself up?

nesting (day 17)

day seventeen at my shambles
of a nest
&
i see his fabulous nest
& though i do not think of him
as a potential mate
i look at him
preening
in front of his
fabulous nest
& think
hmmmm…
maybe?
& for the first time ever
i understand those women
who choose mates
by their fancy cars
& their fancy houses…
but
still
at the end of the day
i fly home
to my dilapidated nest
because
it is mine
it is home.

true story. i love my house. maybe i love it most of all because it is mine. but i do love madness manor and even enjoy looking at my gutted walls & imagining what will happen there.

i’ve been reading up on salvaged homes. i love the idea of finding materials that need a home rather than buying materials that are designed for mass production.
my home will one day be it’s own work of art.

have a fuck

do you ever wonder
what it’s like to be
lovable
to feel
desired
do you ever wonder
if someone will maybe
someday
look at you
like that
or are you trapped
forever
some bitch
who just
doesn’t
give a fuck
anyway.

i watched brief interviews with hideous men, and it left me very conflicted. i am a lifelong feminist even though i didn’t even know what a feminist was until i was twenty-two. i have had a history of disastrous relationships and am admittedly a very dominant female.
i wonder. should women be soft & vulnerable so men can feel important? and then i’m all like, fuck that…. but part of me kinda yearns for a protector & bread winner. & then i get mad at myself…& then i say, but why not? why can’t i be a romantic & a bad ass?
and, of course, still be a feminist… i mean, anyone can be a feminist if you believe women are just as important as men. no matter if you are a stay-at-home or a conquer-the-world (or both in my case…ha!)
i don’t know.
just wondering stuff. out loud. here.

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