mother me

defeated by the creatures who sprung from me
paralyzed by four energies
crafted from my own
left incomplete by my creations
who only seem to be happy
when i am miserable.

ack! motherhood is so not easy. that’s a fucking understatement. i keep hoping i will figure it out & things will magically get easier, but i am starting to think the trick is to realize it is a fucking nightmare & still manage to find the joy.

call me

chunky mother of four ISO punkrock feminist lumberjack
i am feral with bouts of rabies
wicked smart
creative as fuck
prone to shaving my head but nothing else
great smile
nice tits & ass…

i wrote this as yet another attempt to invite romance into my life. i recently sent it to a boy who invited me to flirt with him…and it got grossly misinterpreted. he started sending me the nastiest emails. i tried to go along & tried to tap into my inner slut…but i am no longer fuckbuddy material (if i ever was.) i had to make it clear to him that i needed a lot more from any relationship than just some dirty talk. not that i was opposed to the dirty talk…i just want more from life than that.
so i told him.
and he ran away.
which is okay because i have a lot on my plate right now. a suicidal sister camping out on my couch & four insane minions & an offer in on a house that is a “craftsman special”…plus my usual mental health issues…a new book coming out…and life the universe & everything.
so if said boy can’t play…i can take my toys and go home and wait for jason mantzoukas.

matchbook

you sit on your box of matches
fingers itching to burn some bridges
too much commotion
in your soul
voices whispering that they never liked you
anyway
& you are bound to disappoint…
one bridge already burned…or on fire
at least
a friend boarding a train bound for disaster
& you are unable to endure
another
trainwreck.

i recently broke up with a friend…no, wait, not even. i ghosted her. the ol’ irish goodbye. i didn’t even know i was going to do it, but on retrospect, my feelings of not wanting to deal with it any longer had been building for awhile. my resentments had been building for awhile.
it is so hard to deal with other people’s drama sometimes.
and once i set that bridge on fire, i really wanted to keep setting fires…but i am sitting on my box of matches…trying to wait out my angst to see clearly.

pack mentality

by evening i was ready to give up on my new
imaginary
relationship.
it wasn’t him…it was so totally me
like the feral beast i am i isolate when i feel fragile
it makes sense, right?
if you’re alone, they can’t hurt you…
i guess there is that school of thought that the herd
will protect
you in your fragility
but i grew up watching ducks seek out & peck
to death
the “weak” one for the health of the flock
so
yeah
fuck that shit.

more thoughts from me on pack mentality and the dangers of going with the flow.
i am not good at going with the flow because i am always asking “why” or pointing out the inconsistencies and erroneous thinking involved with pack mentality.
so i am the cheese…standing here…alone.

anything is possible

i fell down the stairs today
& decided i am indestructible
i made kimchi today
& decided i am magical
i went for a barefoot walk today
& decided i am a wildwitch. a goddess
i started a fictional relationship today
& decided anything is possible

just another day in the life. on good days i feel like this. trotting around town in my barefeet, making yummy food by fermenting veg in my pantry. having complicated relationships with unattainable people….

my imaginary boyfriend

in the grand history
of my mythological relationships i have had
i have decided to have my one & only
be played by the actor comedian jason mantzoukas
he is perfect, i think, alone in my thoughts
no one else will do
& i end my search.

as a child, i pretended jim morrison was my dad. later, in my early twenties, i would tell friends of my relationship with both james dean and the young paul newman.
imaginary relationships were just easier.
sigh.

suicide is painless

i’m not going to write a lifetime movie
for you if you survive your suicide
suicide
something i have thought about
far too much
is an escape from your pain…maybe
but it is also a big
“fuck you” to everyone in your life
so i’m not going to take you
in my arms & tell you everything is okay
you have so much to live for…
i’m going to get you by the scruff
of the neck
give you a good shake
& tell you
“no! bad! knock it the fuck off!”
if i have to be in this world
endure all the pain of it
then guess what
you do too
no cutting.

pun intended? my sister attempted suicide recently, and my reaction was to get really pissed off about it. so i wrote this instead of being mean to her. i know i have thought of doing myself in often, but i am aware that it is a shitty thing to do.
i guess there are cases where the pain you are in outweighs the pain you will inflict on others…but those cases are few & far between as much as i can tell.

dear pete

it was like you thought i was lovable?
beautiful?
and all i could do was try &
prove to you
how ugly i am
and i did everything
everything
to make you see
the ugly in me
but you wouldn’t see it
so all i could do was become
more & more
ugly.

that’s what happens/has happened to me when i am in relationships with people who are not so much abusive. i guess i have issues of worth? so if you are nice to me, i try to give you a reason not to be?”
yay.
hopefully i have outgrown this.
who wants to take me for a test run?a

sin eater

what happens when the sin eater
can eat no more?
i feel like i have eaten the sins
of everyone i’ve known
parents, siblings, friends, & lovers
i’ve consumed all their sins
with a smile on my face
(or is it a grimace? no one looks
close enough to see)
i am the sin eater devouring your sins
but i can eat
no more.

i think my catholic is showing.
it is my empathic nature, i think, that leaves me feeling like a sin eater. absorbing all the energy, taking everyone’s anger & sorrow…making it my own.
i need to ask myself, is this what i want to be doing? or should i maybe re-think my role amidst the people i know.

more notes on a soul mate

i totally know
what i want
out of a relationship.
someone who won’t judge me
someone to hug me when i need a hug
someone to feed me whiskey when i need to feel numb
& someone to help me
bury the bodies.

slowly building that perfect man.
i got this nugget after texting with dusty. i was having a hard time and expressed to him how much i wanted to strangle someone for the bad decisions they make…& dusty was all like, “we all make bad decisions,” or something equally annoying.
yeah. i don’t need that. i need someone to help me bury the bodies….

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