i know y’all have been missing my so-called poetry….so here’s one i wrote yesterday (since i have not yet gotten my mojo pages in order….)
i am not going to mail this letter i am not going to hit “send” blasting my words like confetti in a storm something that my primate brain can accept but can never understand so easily & instantly bathing my victim in my obsessive loneliness despite his being many miles away many worlds apart from me how many times have i written this letter how many people have looked away as i exposed myself pen on paper fingers on a keyboard my stupid message in a stupid bottle my longing to be heard to be understood by some warm body somebody am i special to think someone could love me an impossible thing that comes so easily to everyone else
so i lived in this coop in madison, & there was a chick there who i swear was stalking me. every time i left the room, she would take my chair…. it was kinda funny until one time i left the room & she took my ex-husband.
so…i’m no longer living on a bus! y’all–i managed to get off the bus!
me & the minions have a house in a quaint neighborhood of a quaint town in wisconsin. and! i claimed a room as a room of my own! except for the pet rat, the dog, and being also a space for books & puzzles…i have a room that is all mine for writing & drawing & just staring out the window! so that’s nice. but i have flunked out of therapy…not before reprising my list of ideals for a romantic relationship, however. next on my list of “what i want”…that guy who won’t make me feel like crap.
& then, also on the list of things i desire (after a roof & a man) is a job doing what i actually want to be doing. i am working outside the home for the first time in forever….but the honeymoon is over on the new job. now i just want to sit at home & draw…and write…and go for walks & on bike rides…garden a bit…travel…. sigh.
though i forgot about INKtober, as sarah of fresh hell pointed out to me, every day is kinda inktober for me. actually, ever since INKtober 2016, i have been covered in ink. it’s a bit scary how much i have drawn in these last three years. i should have a book…or something. but, no, i am not exactly rolling with the punches…. i feel like a complete failure as my patreon page whispers softly to me, “my god you suck….” & in other areas of life, mother–(crap…am i anything other than a mother???) i am also sucking suckiness. if you want to confirm this for me (my failure as artist, writer, & mother) feel free to check out my patreon page.
so there is my way past due update, dear reader…
ps. i do not have internet (but would accept it as a gift) so any online postings are sporadic at best
holy crap what if what if you can’t do normal what if dysfunctional is the only speed you move at? you say you want stable & secure but then then you secretly shop for fucked up you crave crazy you love the lunatics lists of issues are a turn-on is this your sickness? is this something you can recover from? or is damaged & broken just the way you roll your own warped happy ish ending.
originally posted on october (inktober) 7th of last year. this page of the invisible exhibitionist was inspired by/stolen from one of my favorite male artists (& a bit of a freak himself) egon schiele.
i usually post a picture of the finished portrait next to the original…but my camera, abused by minions, refuses to work. i had to go shopping for a cheap replacement & am waiting for it to arrive. when it does, i will post some before & afters of this page as well as “the wrong one.” though i still don’t like my re-do of “the wrong one” (i tried three times to get it right) as much as i did the original. sigh. for love, support, & a new camera... (haha, you totally thought i was going to link you to my patreon page….)
i survived mother’s day…just barely noticing via instagram posts that i cringe when husbands praise wives & when i see daughters & mothers together but am okay with sons & mothers …hmmm you don’t need to look twice to see where my damage is…. but i survived and will live to see another mother’s day & maybe not be such a train wreck next time….
here are some commissions i am working on. i realize, the more i ink, what my style is exactly–& i try to stay true to it. i am excited to see how these will turn out…& hopefully the people who commissioned them will be just as excited.
here’s a funny story some years back i noticed my ex burying something in the dumpster knowing he never took out the trash my curiosity was piqued so i went dumpster diving for mother’s day… turned out his stalker girlfriend had left a mother’s day bouquet of tulips on our doorstep for me unlike all the weird little notes & gifts she left for him, he saw fit to throw the tulips in the trash… that might be the only time i got flowers for mother’s day….
okay…not funny “haha”…more like funny in a really really painful way. mother’s day & i have a terrible track record. with a husband who said on the first mother’s day after my giving birth to his son, “why would i get her anything; she’s not my mother?” with a mother who didn’t seem to know the first thing about mothering…but who was always happy to complain, criticize, & be cruel…. with my own conflicted feelings on being a mom…. it’s a fucked up day for me. yet…i caught myself buying a necklace for myself…i think it was supposed to be a surprise, for mother’s day. so maybe i am starting to heal? maybe. a celtic trinity knot necklace. a protection symbol. with green amber ( my favorite.) it’s nice to know that i remembered to get me something nice for mother’s day.
the image is a card i sent to my little sister last year for mother’s day…it was the closest i could get to saying “happy mother’s day.”