now i get it

when i was a girl, i could not get enough of horse stories. i picked up john steinbeck’s the red pony
expecting just another heartwarming story of a boy & his horse…by the end of the book, i was
pissed off & utterly confused. i remember the book from time to time, with bitterness. however,
while proofing my upcoming collection of short stories, i found myself remembering the story
with a different reaction. my own abrupt and morose storytelling reminded me of john steinbeck &
that fucking pony. then i began to wonder how much i had internalized in those precocious early
years, reading books beyond my understanding, stephan king & edgar allan poe…now building blocks
to my own stories. men i have never met, corrupting & molding that little writer inside me….

my dickie

i call my hairstyle
“the dickie”
it looks like i am wearing a full head of hair
but
i am not.

just a goofy thought put into my art journal. i like the inking of me.
mostly i am freaking out about my new house these days. does anyone have thoughts on alternative energy in regards to heating…& water heaters? (just in time for earth day!)
i am making this house from scratch it seems, & i don’t want to follow the recipe.

somewhere in time

embracing time
as a fluid thing
that moves through me
& around me
& back again
so i can be old me
with old you
but also be
a me
that knows better.

random thoughts as i navigate my broken heart. i have been doing a lot of navigating of said heart in the past week. there will be some dark posts upcoming as i figure stuff out….

housekeeping

i’m going to hire
a serial
killer
to clean my house
because surely
they would be
good
at neutralizing
sterilizing
the crime scene
that is my home.

just a random thought. they usually happen when i’m alone & having a good conversation with myself.
i’m not happy with the inking…but, again, it was experimental…& has nothing to do with the verse….

room with a view

baby
it’s cold outside
yet the birds 
that flutter outside my window 
as i write & draw & dream
don’t seem 
to even know 
i saw a hawk take one out 
the other day 
a streak of brown 
in a white background
and dinner was served 
today 
a vole runs back & forth 
across the snow 
gathering the sunflower seeds 
i threw 
to the juncos
such
determination
& my
undying
admiration.

i get excited whenever i take a selfie that doesn’t look like crap…so, here’s an ink-free self-portrait.

donna fucking reed

i’m low on milk
so i drink
my whiskey
straight
& prepare
green tea
rather than black
i’m low on milk
with plans to shop
in a couple days
it is earmarked
for two more
morning
coffees
i’m low on milk
but my kids
are fed
cheese sauce
made with just a splash
roasted root veg
& sauteed
broccoli
with noodles
i may not be
mother of the year
we are low
on milk
so i drink my whiskey
straight.

so my second reference to donna reed in one week. i wanted to call this “mary fucking poppins” but she was the nanny & i am technically the mom…even though i feel like the nanny & have been mistaken for one on playgrounds due to my very non-mom-like demeanor.

another strange journal entry. my random thoughts are becoming pages of their own.

update on “yoga with quixotic mama”…today while i was in tabletop position, poppy got underneath me on his back & began honking my boobs. i would like to report that i put a stop to it…usually i do–letting him know that those are mine & mine alone, but today i tried to keep my zen & just ignore him.
it’s pretty hard to ignore a five year old honking your boobs while you are doing cat & cow poses.

no one gave me an instruction manual.

ps. for anyone concerned, i am going grocery shopping tomorrow.

random thoughts in order of appearance pretending to be cohesive

i love the wide open sky
but i miss the energy
of a city
i love the peace & the quiet
but i miss the sparkle
of a city
i am alone
lonely & isolated
i want to find
my strong & broken poet
a kindred spirit
someone who knows how
to love me
someone who lets me
love them
i miss adventures
i miss roaming
i miss possibilities
i built a fence
i fashioned my life
into a prison
that requires me to use
old escapes
built using things i love
it took me a while
to realize
the walls
were there
but now that i see them
i can walk
right
out.

i totally started writing a journal page in my head last night as i lay in bed. then i put it on a mental post-it note which apparently has fallen off of my brain desk & fluttered away.
i need a bedside notepad. for real this time.

today i voted (yes!), donated clothes, recycled, and cleaned out my soul. okay–it’s a kia soul which i had accidentally infested with mice while taking my recycling to the drop off. credit to messy minions, there was enough food on the floor & seat of my car to feed a small family of mice for quite some time.
i also thought about picking up a homeless/nomadic man. i am assuming here that he was homeless. he had the homeless vibe, layers of clothes, a huge backpack, enjoying a salad while sitting on the sidewalk…. he was easily the most physically attractive hobo i have ever seen.
and i dig a guy who has needs.
it’s the cancer in me. i want to nurture. so i see some man who seems to need some nurturing & i get all soft in the head. for example, everyone i have ever dated…except for one guy.
i had a total fantasy about taking the hot hobo home & putting him to work–kind of a my man godfrey┬áthing.
by the time i had almost reached my house, i had convinced myself he was my soulmate, & i had totally blown it by not inviting him over.

honestly, i don’t know if this is a desirable personality trait of mine or an undesirable one. or if it even matters.

today is a bit of a ramble.
i am sober for over a week now (vs. my two beer a day habit)–for health & money reasons.
i am also trying to quit my netflix habit which is getting out of control, & i have serious issues with the quality of shows i am willing to binge lately.

the minions are gone away…& i don’t know how to play…but i do have art to do. so i will get to it.

random thoughts on the last day of summer

holy fricking christ that’s a cute puppy, right?

i know, i know, you are all like, but aren’t you kind of overwhelmed as it is, emje? do you really want to be getting a puppy right now?
well…you know…want vs. need. oh my god, i need a puppy!
look how cute she is!
i am due to adopt her next week. she is a cattle dog. my very most favorite breed. i remember the first time i ever saw cattle dogs, & it was love at first sight.
(who has noticed that moses jones has a cattle dog?)
i tried adopting adult dogs, but they were not socialized to our life. it is so so hard to find an adult dog socialized to being around kids & livestock & country roads, etc. i know dog socialization. I know dog training. i can do this.
it might even be good for me?

meanwhile, fall equinox tomorrow! at last! balance! the caterpillars & i shared a crop of basil just now. my garden still grows despite my neglect.

also!
today in the mail i got jars & jars of salmon in exchange for an inking i did. i feel like the luckiest artist in the world! once i got texas pecans for a zine & now i get alaskan salmon for an inking.
i feel so successful & loved right now.

and i started a new page of moses jones & i think i finally got the art the way i want it!! after only a bajillion pages.

meanwhile, i am goofing off on okcupid again–which is always strangely flattering & bizarre in a fun way…and meeting cute local farmer boys through my selling livestock on craigslist.
and it’s finally fall, y’all.

it’s a beautiful day.
(& i’m getting a puppy next week!!)

random dreams….

this morning, before i woke up, i had a dream about hamlet, our turkey.
in the dream he could talk & sounded like “strax” from doctor who (which is how i have always suspected he would sound if he talked.)

in my dream someone who hamlet did not like was visiting so he ran up with his head super red and called the guy a “motherfucker.”
then i turned to my kids and said, “who taught hamlet to say ‘motherfucker’?”

which is exactly what would happen in real life
if we had a talking turkey.

(another glimpse into my parenting skills)

random thoughts II

y’all should know, random thoughts posts are more likely to happen if i’ve had a beer or two…. i like beer. IPA if you are thinking of sending me some. flying dog‘s raging bitch is my current favorite for many reasons ranging from name to taste to label artwork….

but i digress.

last night i was watering the livestock (so i don’t have to do it in the morning when i am just fucking sleepy & not eager to do extra work) when fidgit & iggy attacked me with water balloons. i was armed with the hose while they launched their attack. i got two water balloons to the head & felt mostly proud that my son had such good aim. soon misha was on the side of her brothers, armed with water balloons…i think she may have been their patsy, while poppy was on my side, taking his turn with the hose when i resorted to chasing them with buckets full of water intended for tomorrow goats. he stood his ground & was my little braveheart with his mad hose skills.

it was crazy fun. a twilight game of war. something that happens when the planets are aligned & everyone is in just the right mood & no one storms off, pissed off, screaming that they hate so & so and vowing that we will all rue the day. instead, we had fun. instead, we were a family.
enough to keep my faith that everything could turn out okay.

i started writing down my random thoughts after last time when i had forgotten them all. these are the thoughts that aren’t quite important enough, coherent enough, “poetic” enough to qualify for an entire art journal page…but thoughts that i long to share nonetheless.

random thoughts:

*i am living by a different set of instincts than the general public. i question the instincts most give in to (consume consume consume) while i honor the ones most people push away in order to follow the mob mentality.

*i’m so sexy when i’m drunk

*having a clean house is grossly over-rated. i kick myself for not house-keeping up with the joneses…but my spiders are so so happy.

*i really don’t have to look for a reason to drink

*note to self: keep poppy away from babies

*i’ve decided that mowing the lawn is also very over-rated

*note to self: keep all knives out of poppy’s reach.

these are random things i write down in my journal as they tromple through my brain. things i would post on facebook or twitter if i were a fan of social media sites rather than having a healthy fear of them. these are things that make me giggle or feel “special.”

thank you for listening.
on to our regularly scheduled navel-gazing art-journaling.

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