the abyss of me

with hopes of renovating
with hopes of cleaning this place up
& inviting someone in
i cleared away
the debris
only to reveal
the extent
of the damage
a crack
to my very core
crap
i don’t know if i’m
habitable
after all
who could live here?
who could love here?
like
“hey–come on in
have a cup
of tea
just mind you don’t
fall into
the abyss of me.”

yup. more reactions to trying to open myself up to the possibility of a relationship should the occasion arise….
sigh.
two steps forward. two steps back.
just dancing by myself, y’all…nothing to see here.

phoenix

talking about the anger
women reporting their abuse
& their intense anger
“why are they angry now,” he asks me,
“and not before?”
i answered,
“when you are in it
every day
when
every day
is abuse
you have to push it down
to survive.”
you have to
but once you let it out
that anger
once you let yourself
feel
& be
pissed off
you start to heal
& you also stop
being able
to tolerate
fucked
up
shit
…& that made me realize
why i was able to survive
my childhood
even though
today
even just a few hours
with my parents
is
pure
torture.

so much healing to do. so many epiphanies to be had.
when you are steeped once more in the madness that created you, you can either be swept away again…or you can learn from it.
i’m trying to learn from it.
i have a lot to learn.
many layers to peel.

wolfmom & the bear trap

i don’t know how
to be human
right now…
i just want to
chew my arm off
& escape
this trap.

i’m crawling out of my skin tonight…crawling into my wolfskin, i guess.
i am terrible at human interaction…and sometimes i am even trying not to be.
terrible.
which makes it all that much worse when i fuck it up.

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