i don’t want to be a racist

i grow
but it is not
enough
i evolve
but i still have
a million years
to go
i check my thoughts
my actions
my reactions
who am i
i am not
who i am
i do not embrace
change
for the popular
or the political
i embrace change
because
it is
the right
thing to do
to grow
to evolve
to be ready
to work
a million more years
if i need to.

i grew up in an extremely racist area of illinois. a sundown county. my parents were rarely blatantly racist, but it was there. subtle racism right alongside the subtle sexism & homophobia.
my town was white white white. in high school i had a biracial classmate, and we all thought he was very exotic.
i am grateful for things like sesame street and fat albert for showing me worlds other than my small town at a young age.
but it wasn’t enough to stop the programming. the racist thoughts from rooting in my brain.
because, even though i abhor racism, i still have racist thoughts.
i used to use it as proof that i was a bad person, but then i read that what one is programmed through upbringing, culture, & society to think is one’s initial thought in a situation. the thoughts that come after, is that person’s efforts to rewire the programming.
and those little voices are loud & persistent. they don’t tolerate my racist programming at all.
yay for that.
but, holy crap, when will the programming go away? will it ever go away?

the programming also pops up with sexist and homophobic opinions, which i find especially weird since i identify as a bisexual feminist. i guess i shouldn’t be surprised that i was programmed to also hate & judge myself.

i mean, after all, hasn’t this art journal project been all about exorcising those demons?
but i am so incredibly uncomfortable writing about this and sharing it with whomever reads it. i feel like such a bad person.
but i will continue.
it is one thing i can do.
i can change.

burning bridges…i brought my matches!

klu klux kraken

life is too short
to tolerate feelings of hate
comments of hate
& oppression
overt or covert
directed at women, people of color,
homosexuals, transgendered people,
people with religious differences, immigrants,
or anyone else who is just trying to live their life
in peace.
seriously.
in idle conversation
in heated arguement
in snarky
clueless
comments on social media
i will not tolerate any of it

(i did the above comics in early 2016 when people were getting hurt at his rallies…i wish they could have been filed away and that i never had reason to share them again. i wish we had stopped this when it was just starting to crawl out from under its rock….)

i am quick to burn a bridge. i barely speak to my parents who are abusive, narcissistic, and destructive. i liberally use the “unfriend” option on facebook. i recently told my younger sister–my polar opposite–who voted for trump because he was “god’s choice” who is a total racist despite (??) adopting a black son who loves to tell everyone else how to live their lives who grew up poor but hates poor people who once told me, “don’t vote for so&so because he is for gay rights,” thereby bursting my bubble where i believed everyone has rights….
i stopped talking to her when she voted for trump and  have since let her know that i have no time for her hypocrisy–via a letter she sent me which i returned unopened because i knew already what i would find inside….

so it’s difficult & confusing for me to see the posts of friends on facebook who engage with their racist friends–nicely & with tolerance. and then i wonder–are they better than me? or is their friendliness flawed? at first i thought they must be better people than me. kind to those who are evil or whatever. then i thought, “no. if we treat these motherfuckers with kid gloves–they will never realize they are motherfuckers.”

this helped…i saw this on facebook today:

racism

so i am going to keep on burning my bridges.
life is too short.

 

death to tyrants.

i’m still a mess.
thank you for asking.
i’m pretty sure no one has even noticed my facebook absence.
i like the word “pariah.”
i often feel like i am one.
pariah.

maybe i shouldn’t live in isolation.
well, we did go to the park today.
so it’s not total isolation.
of course, we drove 15 miles to go to the park.
fuck.
we live in isolation.
in trump-ville, illinois.
okay, not everyone is a republican here, but the votes of this part of illinois are offset by the votes of chicago. this is the red part of illinois.
so red.
and i am here.
a freak.
a pariah.
at the park with my kids….

okay, it wasn’t that bad.
though i have lived in college towns the majority of my life for a reason. i don’t worry about sticking out–too much. college towns are liberal. pekin, illinois…not so much. (up until very recently, their highschool mascot was the “chink”)
fuck a duck.
but small towns can surprise you.
just like liberal towns can surprise you with how white they are
small towns can surprise you with how much they care about you–as a person.
as an individual.

one of the reasons i am so depressed & generally antagonistic
is that i am lovesick
which is extraordinarily dumb
because said person, my unrequited love, is just that
unrequited.
i love him still
after 20 years
or more.
i fucked up a good thing
and now leonard cohen is dead.
(he introduced me to leonard cohen…and yes, i broke down & bought some beer & now i am fuzzy.)

have you ever seen cat on a hot tin roof ? brick drinks to hear that “click.”
that is what it is like sometimes when i drink.
when i am depressed & drinking & just looking for the click.

fuck a duck.

god, i’m grumpy.

shortly after trump (or turnip as i drunkenly typed first) was elected, i was looking at the obituaries and found myself thinking, “ah…the lucky ones.”

anyhoo!
so this is a comic that i thought of today when i realized i could shout, “death to tyrants!” every time i swatted a fly and maybe the universe would carry the action of my killing a small parasite to a realm of the world where that energy could go towards stopping a big parasite….
so i did a comic.
remember, i do comics.
but i really get more satisfaction out of my daily ink blot tests….
hmmm.

dream a sweet koala bear dream

so as soon as i saw this ink stain i saw a koala bear.

inkstains-3

i did not however realize there were six koala bears hidden in the ink. so many koala bears. such a nice change from trump america, hate crimes, the struggles at standing rock, the denial of climate change and stubborn headlong push for fossil fuels in stead of sustainability.

and all the other crap going down.

war, famine, genocide, pollution, slavery…fuck a duck.

so i wish you all the sweet innocent dreams of koala bears where anything is possible.
but don’t let that be a diversion. we have been asleep too long. so now
i want you to wake from that dream,
and fight a good fight
fight for justice
fight for your neighbor
fight for the environment
fight for love
fight for peace
fight for hope
fight for a world where no one has to live in fear….

fight a good fight

(for the koala bears if for no other reason!)

too tired to draw

i didn’t sleep at all last night. i have so much anxiety & restless brain syndrome. i lay awake wondering what i would do if i came across bullying/intolerance/hate crimes…i was playing it out in my head all night. the different scenarios. the different profound things i would say to turn them around and allow them to see the error of their ways.
i did that all night long. seriously. and if i did fall asleep, one of my kids would make sure i didn’t stay there long.

i am exhausted.

and so much anxiety! i had to leave the house today for the first time since tuesday. i live in a very small-town…very rural area. this area is historically referred to as a “sundown” area. a place for people of color to avoid when the sun went down.

i am white. very white. but i am also weird. partially shaved head, pierced nose, tattoos of pagan fertility symbols. i dress in mostly black skirts with striped socks and boots. i don’t look “straight.” i grew up here. i was bullied for being different. so, yeah, i was anxious about going out now that our president-elect has set loose the white supremacists & bigots of the country.

nothing happened. i was okay. i am told i put off a “don’t fuck with me” vibe.
i am also told i have an amazing smile.
i use both those things as weapons of protection.

nevertheless, anxiety & lack of sleep have me barely able to function.

i don’t think i can draw.

i just want to go watch indiana jones & the temple of doom with my kids & then go to bed.

but i promised i would do something every day. so here are four ink stains i prepared (last night) to be used during the next four days. i did not get to any of them today–as said. but i did find a koala bear in one that i am fairly excited about. i have never drawn a koala bear. maybe i will doodle later…but hopefully i will sleep instead of trying to figure out how to save the world.

i did ink stains for fidgit & iggy as well. or, i helped them. iggy did most of the work. they did work on theirs today. iggy says he has more to do (pink one.) fidgit says his is a picture of the big fish coming to the place in the ocean where the little fish clean them off. a real thing, apparently, and these are sharks, etc. that would be found in such a place. he apologized for some of it being inaccurate due to working with the stain, and i told him, “no sweat, i gave a narwhal a unicorn horn instead of a tusk.”
fidgit has taught me a lot about undersea life and inspired many of my drawings of the such.

finian1

sawyer1-1

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