lincoln tree & sheep fingers

a reader of my blog asked the very important question of where the fuck did these sheep fingers originate anyway (to paraphrase.)
here.
this watercolor done years ago, titled “lincoln tree & sheep fingers” (& available for the low low price of $85)
why did i arbitrarily give the sheep human fingers for legs? i guess that is a question for my psychotherapist…if i were to have one…. however, to answer why i continue to do them–it’s because the swirlyness helps ease my rabid mind. and the fingers help the cynical & creepy part of me feel okay with the cuteness of sheep.
and i do love sheep.

my most recent inking of sheep fingers

INKtober fourteenth

today i am empty
today i am nothing
cold
raw
chapped & chafed
a
chaotic void
my
desperation wanes
however
as i accept
my own
overwhelming
fucktardery
my
ridiculousness
today i am absurd
every day i am quixotic
perhaps
that is why
i survive
despite the desolate
corners of my soul
& the shadows
that creep & chill
my heart
my hope.

shout out to cervantes & picasso for today’s ink-spiration.
so, hey…i started this poem in a dark place. but as i was writing it, i was also doing yoga. i like to multi-task, y’all. anyhoo…the yoga seemed to help dislodge some of my zen blockage as it were…and i kind of ended on a high-ish note.
kind of?
i cannot recommend yoga enough for physical, mental, & emotional health. i don’t care what your flexibility or mental state is–yoga works. this is my girl: yoga with adrienne.  i love her. she has helped me out of many a dark & painful place.

hmmm…even though i used ink brush…i’m not sure today qualifies as inktober since i did not use ink pen? unless you consider that i wrote the text in pen & do consider my text an essential part of my art??

too close to the sun

i was halfway through inking this when i realized it was a depiction of the story of icarus. i kept not liking it because i was like, “why are they all so upset?” then i realized it was icarus flying too close to the sun as his father watched in dismay. then i went ahead and found some of the backstory in the origins of the minotaur. this is the second time mythology has crept into an inking without my realizing it.

they are kind of like my dreaming. these inks. i just go with it, and when it is done, i’m all like, “oh. so that’s where my mind is.”

and apparently sheep are on my mind a lot. this is the third ink in a row with sheep in it. as i anxiously await more lambs and wonder what am i going to do with my lambs and how the fuck do you milk a sheep and i really need to build more pasture and i really need a boyfriend or husband or single mom to partner up with me and help me with all this….

and i continue to obsess about the one.
and then i obsess about my obsession.
do i want him back in my life because i am avoiding my own issues?
do i want him back in my life because i believe he is a missing element of myself?
is there such a thing as true love or is it all just a fabrication to sell flowers & diamonds?
am i silly to want him?
or am i brave?
can i be me…and still long for a man?

or is my wanting another relationship just my own example of flying too close to the sun?

tooclose1.JPG

 

bumbles

i was going to wait since i got done so late.
i was going to post this tomorrow.
but i was really happy with how it turned out & wanted to share it. so i’m hoping some of y’all are up late and looking to browse some art.

so yesterday’s ink. i posted it on facebook…and then after several episodes of doctor who  with the minions, i went to check to see if it had gotten any likes or comments and there was nothing. nada. zip.
and i was like, “holy crap, it wasn’t that bad. is it too weird?”
and i shut down my laptop and started reading some neil gaiman, but my mind kept going back to my ink.
that’s when i realized that i had drawn athena popping out of zeus’s head. and leda and the swan. and possibly dionysus. without even meaning to. my brain is a funny place.
that is also when i realized i had earlier, on facebook, posted something just for myself on my page, changing the setting from “public” to “only me.”
so i turned my laptop back on
and got back on facebook
and re-posted
and got myself some likes.
yay.

i may have gotten this done earlier…but, again, facebook. i posted about doing a blackout on the inauguration and my “trump is god’s choice” little sister decided to lecture me about letting trump into my heart.
and i fucking went off.
i could feel my heart pounding out of my chest
and it only stopped after i went on a rant.
sometimes, when anger is rightly placed, it makes me feel better to get pissed off and blow.
okay, always, when my anger is justified and rightly directed, it makes me feel better to express it.

after i calmed down, i did myself some inking.

bumbles1

figures.

today is another experiment with white on gray tone paper. it was kind of a quick one. darker & weirder than yesterday’s super happy one that provoked thoughts of beatrix potter and disney. maybe an antidote to the sweet of yesterday’s ink.
today’s is kind of sparse…but it felt done. so i let it be instead of trying to fill up negative space.

so! now that people are asking for originals (only a couple so far, but i’m hoping it will become a trend) i am having to learn how to price my stuff. from a book about selling art online, i was given the advice today that if you are not a little bit uncomfortable with the price you are asking–you probably are under-pricing your art. that made sense to me, as i’m sure it does to many other artists. so that is going to be my major tell. i am going to imagine asking for prices and see where my comfort zone is–and then push it.

also! in learning to value myself & my art, i am going to have to invest in more good paper. yesterday’s was done on watercolor paper whereas today’s was done on lighter weight paper. when i use the pad i used for yesterday’s, my work is almost always of a better quality. the stain works better & the paper holds the ink better. the mixed media & sketch ones i like to goof off in do not translate as well. which is fine, until someone wants to buy one & i am all like, “well, the paper is crap.” so i really need to invest in more of the good stuff. though i do like how the ink messes with the weaker paper. i would probably mount/back the lighter paper with thicker paper or mat. i did that today with one that was done in my journal, “jar of hearts.” i removed it from my journal and affixed it to a heavier piece of colored paper.

img_3177

because that journal paper is so thin, there is some noticeable glue marks however. fortunately, the buyer was okay with it. i need to play around more and figure the best way to do this. make sure i can present my art in a marketable & professional-ish way.

i have a lot of stuff on mediocre paper. but i think the art is good even if the paper sucks. so i think i will just price them accordingly.

i can do this. this is not scary. i can do this. this is not scary. i can do this.

jam!

iggy will tell me i am cheating when i do something like color in the eyes, to make them more visible, lightening them with white or yellow ink. he thinks that is cheating.

iggy doesn’t understand that i make up the rules…or lack thereof…in both my art & my parenting. iggy is always ready to challenge me.

iggy is mad at me for selling an inking that he really likes. he says that if i loved him i would give it to him and not sell it. iggy is always ready to challenge me. always.

i am thrilled that i sold an original. i also sold several prints. so…i’m actually doing it. i’m actually making art for money…or making money with my art…depending on how you look at it. tonight i was able to say to the minions who were of course squabbling right on top of me as i worked on this one. i yelled, “hey! i’m working here.” then i added that i could call it working now because i am making some money at it now. yay!  it’s hard for me to wrap my head around. it gives me  hope that i am actually doing something right. i really need to make a store on this site. i have the directions…i’m just waiting for the inspired moment to make it happen.

on the topic of minions & art, i really think i must have a guardian art angel. or a horde of fairy guards helping me. for as much as they wreak havoc, they really don’t destroy any art or even fuck up the art i am working on. i mean, i get slammed into. my desk gets jiggled as they crawl under it. my elbow must have a target on it. plus i will leave art out to dry, and they (almost) never smear it or jostle it or spill anything on it. it’s amazing.
also, once the dogs got ahold of my journal and only chewed off the spine.
and one night the cat who likes to sit on my desk while i sleep actually puked on my art journal and managed to not destroy any of the inkings inside.
and i, of course, have ample opportunities to fuck up my own art…and i don’t.

i need to remember to set out a little offering to the angels or fairies that protect my art.

so i showed y’all this stain in my last post. this one is a good example of how sometimes i manipulate the stain. and sometimes i stay true to the stain. sometimes the stain just gives me the idea. sometimes the stain is the idea.

here it is again:

img_3168

focus on art (not romance)

i really have been trying to get art done. aside from being distracted by dating sites, part of my process is to just stare at ink stains. this one feels really strong to me. i see the picture already, and for that reason, i am hesitant to start because i am afraid i will fuck it up & not pull off the image that is already in my head.

also on the table for today is trying to do intentional stains for pictures. instead of letting the stain choose the form entirely, manipulating it a bit to capture what i am thinking. i’m going to play around, see what happens. i’m still not sure it is a direction i want to go, but i definitely want to play with it.

i am very excited about my art right now. what started as an exercise is turning into a style that i really click with. i love the randomness of it. i love the originality of it. i end up creating pictures i never would have if i had just sat down with a blank piece of paper. and no one else can do it. i mean, give the exact same stain to another person, it will turn into a different drawing. plus, they cannot be replicated. i could take one image and replicate it, but i cannot replicate the stain that creates the inspiration for the image. if that makes sense. and that really appeals to me.

each one is a special snowflake…just like me…ha!

so i am posting this now, in the morning, to see if it reaches more people. often my inkings are not finished until evening or even night depending on the behavior of my minions and my attention span. i post them then…but i am wondering if i should wait & post them the following morning/afternoon.

let me know if you have an opinion.

finally.
i quit the plenty of fish online dating site. so that’s two dating sites down. next time i weaken, i will have to try another one. but for the time being, i just want to focus on my art and see if any romance happens organically. i don’t like trying to force it, and i felt like i was forcing it. i felt like i was saying, “oh he’s not completely awful” when i should be saying, “holy crap i would have a fifth child to be with him!” (i don’t want a fifth child to come out of my body–just demonstrating what i would do for the right guy…hopefully the right guy would not want to make more babies with me because…well, that ship has sailed. again, just emphasizing what kind of insanity i want to feel when i see a potential mate…hmmm. maybe i shouldn’t date until after menopause sets in….)

so!
in summary, i am focusing on my art which i have fallen in love with and not worrying about the whole dating thing right now.

yay.

narcoleptic woodpecker

i have whole files full of one line–one paragraph–one page stories. whole journals full of incomplete thoughts and epiphanies. are you ready? i’m going to make them all into comics. maybe. if you’re lucky. turn them all into visual art. use what i have learned in my ink blot tests. use what i have learned in my comic making. use my whimsy and my darkness.

are you ready?

it’s the next step of my metamorphosis. changing and staying the same.

i got a lot done today as i am off of facebook forever…again. i worked on art files & writing files. i had to move all of my stories to google docs because my microsoft word expired and i am one broke-ass mama.
really.
i have no money.
i am living off of credit cards wondering if my ex will ever send me child support. probably not. when the kids stayed the week with him, he sent all their dirty laundry home with me because he didn’t want to use his mom’s detergent as i might not like it.
um…?
so i nicely suggested he buy his own laundry detergent.
i was nice about it.
really, i was. i am working very hard on not being aggressive…passive-aggressive–reactionary…any of those things that kept me in that same destructive cycle with him. i am being a model of cool, calm, & collected.
(that was what it said under my dad’s yearbook picture. my dad, destined to be a violent alcoholic…cool, calm, and collected. so…maybe i will have to work really hard on it as my example of cool, calm, and collected is a bit skewed….)

but i wasn’t so cool, calm, and collected with my kids. i had a screaming fit that scared the crap out of them. what’s the good of not being physically violent with my kids if i am going to lose my mind & scar them accordingly?
“i am losing my mind!” my three year old will say to me.
right.
i always love when they model my bad behavior right back at me.
i have a long way to go on being a sane parent. sometimes i cry, wondering if i would have been a good mom if i had had a supportive husband. if i had had loving parents of my own. if i hadn’t of been broken so severely and completely and eternally.

baby steps.
until i run out of time.

narc2

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