here is a project that i haven’t really started
but lives in my head
& has me inking horses….
here is a project that i haven’t really started
this is a piece that was commissioned by a friend of mine. she is asking artists she likes to illustrate snippets of poetry. she asked me to illustrate an excerpt from adrienne rich’s “diving into the wreck.”
it was pretty nerve wracking to do the text part…praying i would not fuck up. i did fuck up–twice. my brain skipped ahead at one point, & i had to attach a line of verse to the line before it was meant. then my brain decided that “fans” should be “faces.” so i had to add bubbles to cover up my mistake!
but it all worked out in the end.
my friend loves it.
a reader of my blog asked the very important question of where the fuck did these sheep fingers originate anyway (to paraphrase.)
this watercolor done years ago, titled “lincoln tree & sheep fingers” (& available for the low low price of $85)
why did i arbitrarily give the sheep human fingers for legs? i guess that is a question for my psychotherapist…if i were to have one…. however, to answer why i continue to do them–it’s because the swirlyness helps ease my rabid mind. and the fingers help the cynical & creepy part of me feel okay with the cuteness of sheep.
and i do love sheep.
i survived mother’s day…just barely
noticing via instagram posts
that i cringe when husbands praise wives
& when i see daughters & mothers together
but am okay with sons & mothers
you don’t need to look twice
to see where my damage is….
but i survived
and will live to see
& maybe not be such a
here are some commissions i am working on. i realize, the more i ink, what my style is exactly–& i try to stay true to it.
i am excited to see how these will turn out…& hopefully the people who commissioned them will be just as excited.
it wasn’t until i became a mother
that i stopped
whatever i wanted
whenever i wanted to
that is not
i was the type of mother
i wanted to be
ignoring parenting magazines
& how-to books
what i wanted to do
what i thought
motherhood did slow me down
& throw up
i had to start playing
the long game
i do still follow my desires
& live my life
but this motherhood path
this verse, this concept, and even the illustration are terribly rough. (you ever use your hair to cover up a pimple or a bald spot? yeah, that’s kinda what’s going on here….)
man, i even resorted to using some white out–i almost never do that–you know, choosing to live with my mistakes is one reason i use ink. but i really fucked this one up.
i did not write it intending it to be part of the fallen series…but due to its topic being “desires”…i felt it fit.
if anything makes me the devil, it is my determination to follow my desires. as well as my encouraging others to do so.
i feel i should explore this further, desires vs. motherhood. motherhood definitely puts a kink in one’s dreams–even if part of those dreams were to be a mother…cause little demons, they aren’t always what you expect & plan for.
yes, this thought needs fleshing out.
“you’re so pretty”
“but listen to this….”
& i pour
every enchanted thought
waiting for them
to be dazzled
by my rhinestone
“you have a beautiful
as they see my lips
hearing a word
“my smile is a reflex”
i tell them
when i feel
my smile shines
as my inner light
“you have nice eyes”
they tell me
“the better to see you with”
i eat them up
they did not notice my sharp teeth
while they were admiring
this is another shower thought–meaning, i thought of it while i was in the shower & then had to memorize it in order to get it written down before it slipped down the drain.
i need a voice recording device in my shower. except then i would never listen to it because i have that common aversion to my own voice.
so i need a chalkboard in my shower.
also, i think this poem could go longer & have more to it. my art journal project limits my original thought to the length of one page with room for an illustration.
however, in editing, i can always elaborate.
i think this one might need some elaboration.
okay. so my to-do list has me working on creating a finished, publishable version of my art journal. right now i am focusing on re-creating the art for it and later will look for the written pages.
also, i am working on editing & putting together a collection of short stories for publication.
why am i telling you this? because, for the past year or more i have posted almost daily, sometimes three times a day. but now, with all this editing & finishing, i am not posting as much.
but i don’t want y’all to wander off & forget about me.
i hope to get posts up a few times a week. i will definitely be posting finished art journal illustrations as they are done.
let’s get into trouble, baby.
these are fun to do because they don’t require a lot of thought. it’s kinda zen. just move the brush. wax on…wax off. and i am always amazed at what happens when you put ink on paper. the hardest part is being patient.
this is step two (i posted step one a couple of days ago)
i still have a few more steps before they are done…but i have to be patient & wait for my ink to dry between steps.
also! i love my bamboo pen so much lately!
i am almost finished with this commissioned piece.
i like it. it reminds me of shel silverstein (who happens to be one of my favorite male artists.) so i felt happy about that. i also love being able to get messy with my ink.
i just emailed the people who requested it & quoted a price. then vowed to myself to start doing that before i accept a job.
so there’s that.
also! i find myself, when thinking of good things to come, thinking of artwork rather than relationships. which is a big step for me. i tried to express that in my last journal page “a letter for me,” but i think maybe i didn’t say it the way i meant.
i am trying to explore these things further in my art journal, but i have just gotten started.
my minions are back from their week at their dad’s and i am struck by how i go from living in an isolation tank to living in a house full of feral monkeys. it’s quite a shock to my system.
something i should maybe start preparing myself for…other than just buying alcohol.
yesterday i heard my ten year old boy (iggy) say of my seven year old girl, “misha is running a fight club–” i did not catch the rest of the conversation. i just hid.
then while i was doing yoga for ptsd , iggy & fidgit put on a movie i got for them and then iggy was in the doorway lamenting that the movie was black & white and how could i do that to him as i know he just hates black & white….
i assured him it would turn to color as it was not a black & white movie, and i kept doing my yoga.
fidgit then appeared in the doorway after some loud scuffling. he said something about iggy attacking & injuring him but all i could think to do was ask (of the movie) “is it colored yet?”
to which he replied, “no, but it will be soon.”
“good,” i answered right before he began wailing about my not caring that his bruise would soon have color.
for some reason that communication mix up really struck me as funny. i started laughing & could not stop.
i would think i was losing my mind…but i am going to blame the yoga. yoga tends to release things for me. usually i cry. it felt nice to laugh like i did not know how to stop.
even though i probably further traumatized fidgit. (it still kind of makes me laugh though)
i can feel
the broken parts
clenching into a
not to be
not to be
staking their claim
to my ego
a vice-like grasp
that dares to
testing the waters
of my personality
“you are a useless
it sounds like
okay. so i write these pages as the thoughts tumble through my brain. so the date on the page is the date i wrote it. i illustrate them in the order i write them.
some days i have several thoughts screaming to be heard.
some days my brain is nice & quiet.
it often happens that i have several pages of script before i get an idea for what image should be with each page. usually i am a day or two or even more behind on illustrating my thoughts.
so! it often happens that by the time i illustrate a thought, i have recovered from it. if that makes sense. i mean, this whole ordeal is just a long, drawn-out exorcism.
(in other words–i feel much better now…but this thought is a valid one…the battle inside me. parts of me wanting to heal–other parts fighting it tooth & nail.)
i totally have some cold/flu thing. crap. we didn’t get sick all last winter. now it’s only november & i’m down. i woke up yesterday with a sore throat & immediately began worrying about the minions who are in wisconsin with dusty.
he texted later to say poppy was down & the others were a bit snuffy & sore throats.
when you do the whole no-refined-sugar-&-artificial-crap lifestyle…but then let your minions go trick-or-treating & binge on just that…. for a day or so i think all we ate were “foods” we don’t eat the rest of the year (i’ve never claimed to be mother of the year.)
probably a shock to our systems…the immune one for sure.
plus spending a night cavorting with public school children.
i might need to re-think my allowing a halloween binge.
i mean, at least, ration or something a responsible mom would do??
but yesterday i did get out some of the things i need to be working on. i set up space for them on the kitchen table, which means moving the other random things to the other end of the table (homeschoolers, y’all.)
and i did get some work done! i just need to shade the last page of beyond the field, and all of those pages will be ready to send to the author. i have yet to start the final for another illustration project, but i have been turning it over in my head for a day or two…that’s actually part of my process. thinking about it. some label it “procrastination,” but i learned in my writing courses at UW that this is a very important part of the creative process. i call it “percolation.”
and i did draw a journal page, but it felt so much like all the other journal pages that i could not bring myself to finish it. i am feeling a bit crappy about my art right now too. i mean, i know it is being triggered by doing art for people other than myself–i start to doubt me & wonder if i am any good at all.
i wonder if shel silverstein or ralph steadman (two of my favorite male artists) ever felt that way…i am going to go ahead & guess that vincent van gogh did. imposter syndrome on red alert, y’all.
speaking of, i included in my yesterday layout of work to do the workbook “healing wheel” a samhain to samhain workbook. i was late getting started (too busy gorging on candy it seems.) and decided to start yesterday on the new moon. the samhain section is focused on confronting/noticing our fears. i did manage to do my tarot–which told me what it always does–i use distractions & escapes & do not take myself seriously when i really really should.
i tried to cast a circle…making me realize what a lazy witch i am. i was supposed to call a challenger. i imagined my first ever therapist. and to call upon a healer. i imagined…fuck. i could not think of someone who believed in me. so i started crying & closed my circle. later, i thought of a wonderful female friend who seems so open & accepting of me.
but overall i felt like a letdown to my witchy bloodlines.
all i can do is keep trying, i suppose.
maybe i will finish that journal page & post it later.