mean mom

“you are a mean mom,”
the four year old says to me.
“i wisht i killt you.”
he has just woken up
maybe he had a bad dream?
or
maybe he remembers
maybe he remembers the nine months
inside me
my wishing him away
every minute
of every day
of that pregnancy
or maybe he remembers
those 26 hours of labor
those two hours of pushing
as i fiercely
tried
to
eject
him
& he turned sideways
& backwards
he turned me inside out
refusing to leave
peacefully
maybe fearing what i would do
once i finally
got my hands
on him….
i flinch
with guilt
as i remember
as i can never
forget…
i love my son
…but there was a time
when i did not.

i don’t think i will ever fully recover from my last pregnancy. i just wish i knew for sure that my son will. i don’t want to take him down with me.

 

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tomorrow’s child

this is what i started with

tomorrowschild1

so i found the mama first.
man, she looks sad. the weight of the world, right?
i found her imaginings of her unborn child around her.
fairy creatures by her feet.
i wonder…with all that is going on in the world. it is a tough decision to bring new life. the weight of all that is wrong, balanced with what all could be.
that is my drawing today.
despair and hope.
all mixed together.