i am not a poet
these are not poems
it is just
that i have spilled
all over the page
vomited my emotions
with pen & brush.
this was my yesterday epiphany–expanded upon.
i took a photo before i used my brush on it, because i wasn’t sure if i liked it better without shading & color.
but i think the color worked okay.
good news! i have been very angst-y & especially reflective with all the trauma i keep vomiting on myself. so that means i have 4 pages written in my journal that just need illustrating.
so we all have that to look forward to.
i’m trying not to be sad
i’m trying not to lose my mind
i feel music in my soul
not quite drowned out
by the screaming
my artist’s soul
& my mother’s heart
trying to live together
in my troubled
october 26, 2016 is the date inside my old journal. the day i started it. today is the day i end it. there is one page left…but i have already spilled some angst onto it and now just have to illustrate my own pain.
the first page of the new journal, also, is already decorated with thoughts fallen from my head.
i love being productive. i love looking forward to a blank page. i love writing down my silly, sad, sentimental, and sordid epiphanies to ponder with pen & ink brush.
i am not a poet though.
i thought that today when i could not think of the word for what some of you might call my “poems.”
i am not a poet.
i just vomit emotion, often & as colorfully as possible.
i had a dream
which spoke it to me
we did not come together out of desire
but out of desperation
i had had so so many relationships
giving myself away to everyone
you had had no relationships none
locking yourself away from everyone
both of us
desperate for love
desperate to be loved
you saw that i was desperate enough to love you
when one of us would become desperate
the other would become desperate
to hold on
& we did this dance
we did this dance…
if only we could have stepped away
for a clear thought
we would not have chosen each other
if not for desperation
there is nothing true
when i feel alone
that makes it less painful
just makes more sense
when my empathic heart
it is a kaleidoscope
washing over me
burrowing inside me
traveling through me
borrowing my tears
& my smiles
& no drug–or other person–could ever
make me feel
like i do
when my heart is wide open
& i am safe
the world around me
all of its beauty…its light & its darkness
this is me
this is mine
this is who i am & who i want to be
an open heart
when the minions are away, i have the opportunity to do things i cannot do when they are here. this is one. spreading my art all over the kitchen table. i love doing that. then i work on it, walk past it, add to it, debate over it, smudge & splatter and just be my art. ink ink everywhere.
makes me happy.
other things i do when i am alone: talk to myself, revel in the bathroom being clean, binge watch shows on netflix, focus on myself & my healing….
sometimes being alone is a good thing.
if my oldest son
never comes home
i will have to take his homemade ship
to the river myself
to launch it
after so many times of telling him,
“no, not today…”
i will have run out of days to spend
maybe i will set it on fire
have a viking funeral
as i wish he would come home
if my second son
never comes home
i will never be able to return the movie
we are supposed to watch together
i will have to keep it
and pay the library
knowing i could buy a cheaper copy
i will never let go
of the movie we were supposed to watch
as i wait for him to come home
if my daughter never comes home
i will build a shrine of
i will sit and sing to myself
surrounded by her special things
i will wish i could hear her
have a conversation with me
as i hope for her to come home
if my youngest son never comes home
i will die inside
knowing i wasn’t the mother to him
that he needed me to be
knowing that i failed him
from the beginning
and the only way i can save him
is to save myself
and bring him home to me
sometimes when my kids go to visit their dad, i go to a special hell reserved for moms. sometimes i breathe and relax and enjoy my alone time. other times i climb the walls and let the demons chisel at my thoughts.
i didn’t intend to be a stay-at-home mom. however, when it came time for me to go back to work after fidgit was born, i found i couldn’t do it. at first i tried taking him to work with me, which was strangely tolerated. but i realized i was doing two jobs half-assedly and decided i needed to make a choice.
i chose being a mom.
and it has been a hard road. a very hard road. my ego has suffered a lot and sometimes i find myself wondering, “what if–” about my choice to be a mom at all. and then the catholic part of me kicks in and i live in fear that i have hexed my children with such thoughts.
being a mom is so fucking complicated.
i just want my kids to come home so i don’t have time to think about it.
i see you
i see you now
you hide in your chameleon’s skin
you turn the tables
you play victim
you say, “i wouldn’t have done it if you–”
you say, “but look at how awful you are”
you are a master of distraction
a master of disguise
while a moth wears predator’s eyes
you are a shithead in sheep’s clothing
bear with me, y’all. i am working through some angst & frustration.
nothing to see here!
it’s all a part of the healing….
now i need to go do some art.
(the minions are out of town & i am down in the dumps)