i feel pretty

i always cry
when i hear the song
“jolene”
but
do i have a right to?
i have lost a lot of men
& boys
to other women…
but i have
also
been the one
they come back
to
the one they choose
when there is a choice
to be made
part of me
wants to be
clings to
the idea
of being
ugly
unwanted
outcast
but part of me also knows
though i am
an outcast
i am also
quite tragically
one of
“the beautiful ones.”

even just transcribing this from my journal to this blog, i balked. what? who am i to say i am beautiful? no one is going to believe i am beautiful.
so uncomfortable with that identity!
when i went to forestry camp as a teen, i was embraced immediately by these two girls who said we should all stick together because we were the prettiest ones. i couldn’t get away from them fast enough (quick before they see i am really ugly!)
& i promptly found the freaks & outcasts to spend my week with.

yes, i would rather spend my time with the freaks & outcasts, but i need to stop telling myself i am ugly. i need to believe i am–despite being unconventional–beautiful. i need to believe that other people can see my beauty.
i know sometimes they won’t, but as long as i do….
i mean, ultimately, i just have to stop telling myself i am ugly.

its like i have my heart in my hands & i am trying to convince it that it is not so broken that it cannot fly….

muted

you ruined my day
&
i can’t even tell you
because
it will just blow up
in my face
i’m muted
by my fear
of what you will say
what you will do
how you will react
if i tell you
you ruined my day….
you ruined my life
&
i could scream about it
until my face is blue
but
it won’t change
a thing
no matter
what i do
you will never care
never
notice
you ruined my life.

ah, quality time with the ex.
it’s emotional abuse–making someone terrified of speaking up. manipulating a person to the point where they are afraid to speak for fear of how you will react.
it is an emotional abuse i am very susceptible to & have extensive experience with…
& it pisses me off.

two-fer

“makeover”

who am i
if i am not ugly?
who am i
if i am not
self-loathing?
how do i imagine
myself
as anything other
than a
monster?
i have told myself this
story
for so
so long
how do i write a new
ending?

“in the cards”

the cards tell me to
let go
(let go let go let go)
of something
no longer
true
the cards tell me
i cannot see
my true potential
through
warped lenses
the cards
however
do not
tell me how to let go
they do not tell me
how to see myself
through a lens
not
contorted
by self-loathing.

my tarot cards are always telling me to let go of something & i’m all, “i have let go of everything….” except, i realized, my self-loathing & stubborn belief that everyone looks at me and sees some hideous monster. that everyone can tell i don’t belong. that i am ugly to the core.
can i let go of a belief i have held close for most of my life?

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