woe is me

living inside
your own head
you forget
about
the world outside
a world that works against
single low-income moms
a world
that won’t take a risk
on you
no matter
how good your heart
might be
a world that is set up
to grandstand your options
telling you to
follow your dreams
but in the end
leaves you
very few choices
the more kids
you have
the fewer
choices
they say it takes a village
they don’t tell you
that the village
will quickly tack up
a “no vacancy” sign
when they see
you
coming.

how’s the house hunt going?
well, pretty fucking hard since i can’t even get out to look for a place…& then when i look at the average application for a rental & they want a job & income & job history…
all i feel is despair.
i have savings. i have enough to pay a year’s rent. i have sparkly clean credit. i have child support payments. i have government aid. i spend less money–with four kids–than the average u.s. citizen without dependents does. i am frugal as fuck. but i have to get face to face with a real person–the right person–to convince them that this is enough…& being seemingly physically trapped here at hotel california…how the fuck do i make that happen?
i was going to try to run out to iowa today to look for rentals & someone to convince that i am a good tenant. the minions come home tomorrow….
despair says, “why even bother?”
but i can’t just run over to iowa with four kids in tow. iggy hates road trips (he got that from his dad–not me,) & i don’t want to budget in a stay at a motel (though they do love motel tv.)
so three weeks until the next time i am able to run to iowa sans minions…meanwhile, the lawn grows free now as the lawn mower died on me. so i should get that fixed. i don’t even know how to go about that. i so so so hate being all alone out here.
yes, i’m a feminist, but fuck me if i want to do everything myself. i want someone here who knows how to do all the stuff i suck at. i want someone in my life who appreciates what i can do & who i worship for their ability to fix a mower…or clean a toilet…or just hold me & tell me it’s all going to work out when it feels like the world is spinning out of control.
sigh.

if you want to contribute to my “income”…. here are sneak peaks of some of the posts you would be able to see as a patron of mine….

the main image is of a character of mine that hopefully will one day have a story….

checking in

i have been working on getting my patreon page up & running. i have posted several times for my patrons.
i totally have two patrons!!! yay!!!

i was thinking. for those of you who are as poor as me. if you have a way to do trade, i would totally do that. like i be your patron & you be mine? something like that…i’m trying to figure out a way to be accessible while also making some income.
it’s just a boost to know someone thinks my arts, writings, and random ramblings are worth anything.
it’s nice.

also! i am applying for the sustainable arts award for mother writers & mother artists. it’s a nice award, and the best part is how much i realize i value myself when i fill out the application telling them who i am.

meanwhile, i have gotten to second base with my goat magdalene. she is producing lots of milk which i share with her kid, claudia. claudia gets one teat, i take the other. so i have fresh goat’s milk for my tea.

in other news, i had a weird thing happen last week which i am just getting to in my art journal.
an epiphany? a moment of enlightenment? a breakthrough?

at the very least, a new story, similar to “fallen” in being a fictionalized telling of something real to me–this time about my most formative past life.
so…become a patron & you can hear all about that.

or, just talk to me on google hangouts, & i’ll tell you all about it.

here are some teasers for my patron page:

including a journal page about my little voices and one about my imbolc meditation on longing (for my work on the healing wheel.)
and two pages of illustrations for a collaboration i am doing with benjamin davis on his story fetish.

the image is based on my childhood memory of making my first ever comic series on a chalkboard in my basement. a version of “hey diddle diddle” where the members of the nursery rhyme were some sort of soap opera.

a difficult decision

i have been thinking
debating
i added another tier to my patreon page
a $1 tier where i can post my art journal pages
sketches
works in progress
& sneak peeks
which means i will not be posting as much here
it’s an exercise
in taking myself seriously
and trying to make a go of my dreams
but as a girl
who always gives it away
for free
and who doesn’t mind
giving it away
loving the idea of a world of trade &
mutual support
a world where money is not an issue
alas.
maybe someday
but today i have to buy
groceries
notebooks
clothes & shoes for my kids
buy food for my pets
buy art supplies so i can keep doing art
and!
spend money to support
other artists & writers
(also, one day soon, pay rent &
utilities)
so
for now
the bulk of my posts
will be over on my patreon page
for one dollar a month.
i understand if this is too much
i totally get it.
but maybe, just maybe i can get some patrons
& then be able to afford to do the same
for my fellow
artists & writers & crafters of all types.

whether you join me over on patreon or not, i really really really appreciate your support.
& i’m not disappearing from here, i just have realized how much energy i spend on this site and wonder what would happen if i put that energy into trying to earn money for my art.

xxoo

meet my little friends

i was asked today about my bamboo pen & realized that i should probably have a reference page on my blog to all my materials, sources, inspirations…but failing that, here is a look at some of my art supplies that i use on a daily basis. (yes, i have three different kinds of black ink, why do you ask?)

and! if you act now, you can become a patreon of me & my little friends.

on that note, i did type up the beginning stirrings of my soon-to-be hit novel and series on netflix, fallen.
it is available to anyone willing to be my loving patron.

stepping back to move forward

okay.
i have quit facebook…again.
here’s the thing. i feel like my desire to connect & form a community is hindered by the mentality of social media.
does that make sense?
so i’m quitting the number one social media site in an attempt to form actual authentic connections.
or that is how it is playing in my head.

sharing my art on facebook to a lukewarm response from most of the people i know in the world (i do have some friends who are awesome & supportive…but very few) always made me sad. but when i share it on tumblr & get a response from the handful of people who follow me–it’s exciting because barely anyone knows i’m even there.
yup, lower them expectations for a delightful surprise.

& without the distractions & easy access to stuff on facebook, i will actually have to reach out more & dig around more–thereby discovering more stuff (information, opportunities, etc.)

that’s what i’m thinking anyway.

so i’m reaching out & connecting more…by disconnecting.

that makes sense right?

one more thing. can anyone tell me–should i do a patreon account? will people give me money to create in exchange for virtual hugs & homemade postcards?
thoughts?
experiences?

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