my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
itching to leave my cocoon
itching to bloom
i’ve been in here too long
safe & snug
throughout my cold & dark
into a bright eruption
a moth to the moon
a bee to a flower
stream of consciousness verse. that’s basically how my brain works. if you ever have a conversation with me in person, it’s not too different than reading my brain outbursts here & in my art journal.
in all the wrong places….
but i digress! i am itching to get out of my cocoon. i feel like that is what my time here at my childhood home has been. i feel like that is what my submerging myself into my art journal exploration of my dark & drippy psyche has been.
i’ve written out all the parts of my brain that i can right now. i’ve written them out to make room for new thoughts.
revolutions & epiphanies await.
just have to shake free of the rest of this
rise from my tomb
i just know you guys
holy fuck will she ever shut up about her patreon page
here i am again
taunting you with a little taste
to lure you
to spend a some money
the picture above is one of the pages of my latest series, “running with wolves,” where i examine my feral nature.
also, i have done pages on my latest epiphany–the one where i realize i have deluded myself into believing i had “true love”–twice–fucking it up both times.
i’m not a fuck up…i’m just delusional.
i am trying, in addition to supporting my own creative nature, to learn to support other artists & writers as well.
if you are interested in some kind of swap, let me know.
you all are totally worth it. reading your stuff & looking at your art brightens my every day & often inspires me.
“If you don’t release something voluntarily, it will cause you pain when it is snatched from you against your will.”
this card was driving me crazy because sometimes it feels like all i do is let things go.
what else can i let go of?
then i caught myself going to a dark
place when i saw a friend’s loving post about his wife.
right? why should that cause me pain??
and that is when i realized what i needed to let go of
my fantasy that i had once had
& had lost it through carelessness…
to stop being angry & depressed about losing something
that was never mine
to begin with.
when i was not even yet 20
i had written
three or four books
& working on the next one
on an electric typewriter
sending off pages & pages
an impressive collection of rejections
i knew i was going to be a famous
i knew it…
but life got in the way
“but what are you really going to be?”
“shouldn’t you be looking for a job
with health insurance”
(punk rock little me
as long as i have planned parenthood
why do i need insurance?)
i am almost fifty
still punk rock
but not yet
my collection of stories–some from those times when i was 20…some from an almost 50 (but still punk rock!!) mother of four…and all the time in between–my collection of short stories has been accepted by a small press in ohio.
a punk rock press, of course.
i should be excited…& i think i am…but maybe after so many years of being quietly unpublished, i am not sure how to make noise about being published….
give me a day or two.
and happy earth day, y’all…but, remember, every day is earth day!!
a few weeks ago i drew a medicine animal card
from my deck.
it was a squirrel.
today i went to draw a new card
while i was shuffling
i dropped a couple cards
i picked them up
the top one was the squirrel.
i finished shuffling & drew
a card for today
it is the squirrel…
no mixed messages there
prepare for the future
says the squirrel card
be ready for change
says the squirrel card
agreeing with my last tarot reading
where my near future was the moon (change)
& my final outcome was a death card
(do not fight change.)
wow. what does the universe have in store for me? i have started looking at a back-up iowa town. a bigger town. a cheaper town. more central than north, but still north & west of where i am…which i feel is the direction i need to be going.
like the other town i am thinking about, this town gives me the good feelings when i look at it on a map & think about it as a home.
so there is that.
an ad on craigslist has a potential house already…a house that i am being offered as a “contract buy” for a small amount down.
do i want to buy a house? in a city? near parks & rivers & a short drive from camping & old friends?
will they still be eager to sell to me when they realize i’m living on luck more than money?
i know i want to be out of here. all signs point to yes on that one.
but do i want to be a homeowner & gamble on that?
be tied down to a property…but also have the freedom of a place that is mine…..?
let me meditate on the energy of the squirrel…let’s see what happens there.
oh! & for a dollar a month, not only can you help me with this life decision but also can you see my first ever inking of a penis! (ish…it is kinda faint) in a post about my most vulnerable of feelings….love….
i don’t think very many of my current readers were reading me back when this blog was obsessively dealing with my ex-husband’s infidelity.
my ex-husband had a relationship
with a crazy stalker chick (other than me.)
she would leave little presents
yes, like a cat
for him on our doorstep
& other various places
she would hide in the bushes
& wait for him
i would even find things hanging from trees
in our neighborhood
intended for him.
i became more than slightly unhinged by it all
i began searching his pockets regularly
kidnapping his phone
searching the neighborhood for clues (she liked to graffiti his name about the place)
& throwing various objects (keys to her apartment, love trinkets, & even his phone)
into the river by our house
it ended up being–i’m sure much to the delight of my narcissistic ex–a battle of the stalker chicks
hitting a climax when i found them together
kicked her in the knee
broke my own arm in the process
& got charged with disorderly conduct.
i will never forget having to talk to two cops on my doorstep–having them ask what everyone asks
why didn’t i kick him??
that’s how sick i was with the whole thing. sick & crazy & completely manipulated into being someone i was not.
why do i bring this up?
dude. there is a torn piece of a shirt stuck in the tree branches of one of the silver maples in front of my house, and it is all i can do to not have flashbacks to her weird little leavings meant for him ….
i’m trying to learn how to not hate him…maybe this is the universe’s way of challenging that?
in other news.
i have an appointment to look at a house in an idyllic little town in iowa. it’s an area heavy with norwegian roots–so i’m thinking–lumberjacks??? (or i dig vikings too)
i thought about putting up a new okcupid profile in the area seeing if i could find someone to help me unload my moving truck should i get this house i am looking at on sunday….
oh! & before i forget…stuff over on my patreon page:
like a falcon
on the hunt
it sounds like a
i cry to the sound
of my heart
who could ever
by the sound of it.
there is a struggle happening in my heart as i try to find that ever elusive balance between light & dark…hope & despair.
as i contemplate my impending search for a new home for my minions & me & the money involved, i think again, how nice it would be if you would be my patron….
i post almost daily over there & you can read those posts for just a dollar a month.
for five dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you a handmade birthday card.
for ten dollars a month, you get all my posts, & i send you two cards annually.
for twenty-five dollars a month, you get to read all my posts, you get two cards, and a commissioned 8X10 inking.
steam rises from the fields
as spring rain
mixes with winter earth
& my heart turns
thinking of you
i can smell
the ground warming
for growth & green & everything
& my heart turns
thinking of you
each day grows longer
a full moon wanes
& my heart turns
thinking of you.
nothing like spring to fuck with one’s love hormones. i made this postcard to send to someone who has probably forgotten me, but it’s my party, i can obsess if i want to.
& i’m not obsessing, really, i just have to put those spring hormones somewhere…& i have no where else to put them. (i already quit okcupid again)
so what’s a harmless crush on someone? so what’s a harmless postcard just to say “hi”?
i know…famous last words….
but, after all, the dodo bird is my spirit animal.
i just got a phone call from my mom to let me know she will be selling the house out from under me.
i kinda saw this coming & was planning to leave anyway & there is no love lost between us…but fuck me my heart hurts right now.
she has no problem tossing out her single-mother daughter & her four grandchildren. at least she had the decency not to say “i love you” at the end of the conversation.
& she did call to let me know she would be selling the house instead of just doing it–my kids have been fearing that we will come home to another family living here….
here are some glimpses of stuff going on on my patreon page….