motherhood have i ever felt more defeated? more hopeless? helpless…. i am never going to win i wail to the moon a new moon somewhere lost in the clouds & sun like me lost trying to renew… i’m never going to win i sigh as if this is a game motherhood.
i have been busy. writing. arting. surviving. i keep on drawing because i do not want to drown in my own emotions.
i am now gainfully employed…ish working just part time so the minions & my art stay nurtured. but my art is not as insistent as my minions until i find myself going a little bit mad for neglecting it.
i am enjoying playing with my own style as well as accepting that it is what it is… i look forward to doing some finished pieces–but that might have to wait until i am a bit more finished myself…at least as far as housing goes.
on wednesday, i go in for a job interview at the local food cooperative you know, working with food which i am super qualified to do but do i want to do it? yesterday dropping the reins in a show of frustration i put iggy & fidget in charge & took the day off to just draw & draw & think wouldn’t it be so super awesome to get paid to just draw & draw?
i’m staring out the window of a bus a bus parked forever more in the hills of western wisconsin clouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs) are right outside my window & all i feel is paralyzed trapped unable to move forward because renting requires income getting a loan requires income & i am on a bus with four kids my ex-husband trying to lure me back to him back to life in an apartment with him & each day i think a little more seriously about committing that crime about sacrificing myself to make sure my kids have a roof over their heads…. i just wish i could look at this amazing view & feel free & feel inspired & feel hopeful instead of feeling doomed but right now i have no idea how to be that person how to be anything but miserable & alone.
though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather…. but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.
tomorrow i pack it all into a uhaul and head to wisconsin tomorrow i begin a new adventure amidst a new moon & solar eclipse & the anti-versary of a molestation that happened the very same time as my beloved dog becoming lost & eventually found dead leaving me with no one to comfort me these same group of days that my father’s birthday falls into this will be the first dead father birthday my emotions are a whirlpool a tornado hope & despair spinning fast as i run away again from my childhood home believing i will find an answer on the horizon.
yesterday the olde english faire got rained out & we didn’t get to see jousting or birds of prey or raunchy pirate shows. i was so looking forward to losing myself in the festival for a day. instead i spent the day waiting for the rain to stop.
except yesterday was the longest day of the year & it rained & rained & rained some more.
and with the impending status of being “between homes” the minions are losing their little minds & my skin is crawling off of me to just stay sane enough to deal with their excited & agitated energy.
now i just feel weepy & like drinking away my sorrows while binge-watching marvel shows on netflix.
so i’m not getting much art & writing done at all…but i did do this goof-off inking of cats.
not really cataclysmic, i guess…but it does make one wonder why so many words like “cataclysmic,” “catatonic,” & “catastrophe” start with “cat”…hmmm….
i did my tarot on the last night before my kids came back having forgotten to do it the other days they were away. i was tired & thought about skipping my monthly check-in with the universe via tarot, but in the end, i lit candles, shuffled my deck, and asked for guidance.
rebirth was my first card. the card representing me at this time. rebirth is also judgement. the past shaping the present. a time for moving forward with new resolution.
next came the delusion card. it is what is challenging/crossing me at this time. delusion…. i didn’t know what it was, but now i am guessing it represents the house i thought i was going to rent. the house that, as of yesterday, sold to someone else. a decision that did not work out….
in the “present situation” position of my tarot spread came my very most favorite card. one i have not seen in quite awhile. the warrior card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! present situation…kicking ass & taking names…er, rather, forward moving energy. mastering adverse circumstances through my determination & courage. confronting fears. fears like living way off the grid with four kids & a bucket to poop in…which is what is happening since our rental fell through. i mean, on one hand, i like the idea of an adventure & the experience of living in a very unconventional way…on the other hand, i am having difficulty imagining that happening with four kids. but! i do have the generous offering of a free space to camp while i look for a more permanent situation. so i should feel blessed for that. and it is summer. the best time to camp. and once i have a roof over our heads, i’m sure we will look back on this time & have a good talk with our therapist(s) about it. (i would like to point out that the present situation card has a badger on it which is the state animal of wisconsin–where i am moving to–so that seems to be lining up.)