just a random art journal page inspired by my own insecurities….
meanwhile…over on my patreon page….
have i ever felt
i am never going to win
i wail to the moon
a new moon
in the clouds &
trying to renew…
i’m never going
as if this is a game
i have been busy. writing. arting. surviving. i keep on drawing because i do not want to drown in my own emotions.
my brand new therapist says i tend to give it away & then i don’t get any respect & then i end up with lazy men who don’t appreciate me or feel inclined to care about me….
i really like my brand new therapist.
in the spirit of therapy, here are sneak peeks at pages of my art journal over on patron that you cannot see for free…but for the small price of love, respect, and a dollar.
i am now gainfully employed…ish
working just part time
so the minions & my art stay
but my art is not as insistent
as my minions
until i find myself going
a little bit
for neglecting it.
i am enjoying playing with my own style
as well as accepting that it is
what it is…
i look forward to doing some finished pieces–but that might have to wait until i am a bit more finished myself…at least as far as housing goes.
on wednesday, i go in for a job interview
at the local food cooperative
working with food
which i am super qualified to do
do i want to do it?
dropping the reins in a show of frustration
i put iggy & fidget in charge
& took the day off to just draw & draw
wouldn’t it be so super awesome
to get paid
to just draw
i’m staring out the window of a bus
a bus parked forever more
in the hills of western wisconsin
clouds, forests, wildflowers, birds, & bugs (so many bugs)
are right outside my window
& all i feel
unable to move forward
because renting requires income
getting a loan requires income
& i am on a bus
with four kids
my ex-husband trying to lure me
back to him
back to life
in an apartment
& each day
i think a little more seriously
to make sure my kids
have a roof over their heads….
i just wish i could look at this amazing view
& feel free
& feel inspired
& feel hopeful
but right now
i have no idea
how to be
how to be
though i am not posting as much as i usually do as i am struggling with depression right now as well as the instability of being homeless–er, between homes, rather….
but i will try to get pen to paper & get some new posts up over there soon.
tomorrow i pack it all into a uhaul and head to wisconsin
tomorrow i begin a new adventure
amidst a new moon
& solar eclipse
& the anti-versary of a molestation
the very same time
as my beloved dog
becoming lost & eventually found dead
with no one to comfort me
these same group of days
that my father’s birthday
this will be
the first dead father birthday
my emotions are a whirlpool
hope & despair spinning fast
as i run away
from my childhood home
believing i will find an answer
on the horizon.
yesterday the olde english faire got rained out & we didn’t get to see jousting or birds of prey or raunchy pirate shows. i was so looking forward to losing myself in the festival for a day. instead i spent the day waiting for the rain to stop.
except yesterday was the longest day of the year & it rained & rained & rained some more.
and with the impending status of being “between homes” the minions are losing their little minds & my skin is crawling off of me to just stay sane enough to deal with their excited & agitated energy.
now i just feel weepy & like drinking away my sorrows while binge-watching marvel shows on netflix.
so i’m not getting much art & writing done at all…but i did do this goof-off inking of cats.
not really cataclysmic, i guess…but it does make one wonder why so many words like “cataclysmic,” “catatonic,” & “catastrophe” start with “cat”…hmmm….
i did my tarot on the last night before my kids came back having forgotten to do it the other days they were away. i was tired & thought about skipping my monthly check-in with the universe via tarot, but in the end, i lit candles, shuffled my deck, and asked for guidance.
rebirth was my first card. the card representing me at this time. rebirth is also judgement. the past shaping the present. a time for moving forward with new resolution.
next came the delusion card. it is what is challenging/crossing me at this time. delusion….
i didn’t know what it was, but now i am guessing it represents the house i thought i was going to rent. the house that, as of yesterday, sold to someone else.
a decision that did not work out….
in the “present situation” position of my tarot spread came my very most favorite card. one i have not seen in quite awhile.
the warrior card!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
present situation…kicking ass & taking names…er, rather, forward moving energy. mastering adverse circumstances through my determination & courage. confronting fears.
fears like living way off the grid with four kids & a bucket to poop in…which is what is happening since our rental fell through.
i mean, on one hand, i like the idea of an adventure & the experience of living in a very unconventional way…on the other hand, i am having difficulty imagining that happening with four kids.
i do have the generous offering of a free space to camp while i look for a more permanent situation. so i should feel blessed for that. and it is summer. the best time to camp.
and once i have a roof over our heads, i’m sure we will look back on this time & have a good talk with our therapist(s) about it.
(i would like to point out that the present situation card has a badger on it which is the state animal of wisconsin–where i am moving to–so that seems to be lining up.)