i already suspect everyone hates me yet when it is confirmed that someone hates me i spin out… that familiar downward spiral “they’re just jealous” possibly the only nice thing my mom said to me her grade school pariah am i a threat i wonder something to fear or hate? this makes more sense to me than jealousy but of course odds are someone has to love me… following that would suggest that someone must hate me & if the whole world can’t love me then the whole world can’t hate me either.
trying to talk myself in off the ledge? i’m not sure this is working.
the more they ignore me the louder i tell myself i never needed them anyway the more unpopular i am the more inspired i am to perfect being a pariah the less they see me the harder i try to stay invisible what happens if… what happens if i fight that reflex what happens if i try to be appealing… holy fuck the mere thought of it goes against my very fiber hmmm maybe “self-sabotage” maybe not giving a fuck is just how i roll… i’m too fucking angry to be appealing to be soft to be inviting is there a way to seek my audience without compromising who i am?
sometimes i wonder why i can’t just do things the easy way be pleasant stay married rent not choose art work nine to five buy the stuff all of it to make life easy don’t swim against the current don’t find a home on the fringe be sweet be sweet be sweet let people love you.
on the 5th i did several journal pages (they will appear over the next few days) and got a lot of my angst onto the page. the messed up mood i have been in since…like over a month. more? i am done with it. just. fucking. done. art journal to the rescue! it really seemed to do the trick. by evening on the 5th, i felt my heart start to lighten. what would i do without my art therapy? the sentiment on this page is something i have often felt. why do i make my life more difficult? why can’t i just go along with what most people do? i can’t. i wouldn’t be me. but that does not mean it’s easy.
a community does not like an individual. in both nature & society you can see what happens when one of these things is not like the others. i don’t know why i am different. nurture? nature? something entirely else? why was is so easy for my sister to conform why i simply could not? i remember trying to conform once. just once. it didn’t last long. & of course i have tried to join communities…but i always feel like i am wearing a skin that is not my own a badly fitting facade. i am happier alone. however… a community does not like an individual.
and then i’m going around raising four more individuals. what will happen to them? they seem happy to be who they are. i am glad they are happy, but am i setting them up for disaster? is there a community out there that celebrates individuality? (the island of misfit toys?) i’m sure there are some that believe they do…however, i have yet to find one.
it never surprises me to find i am unpopular…aye…unliked. i think it surprises me though to find i am liked. i does surprise me…but i know if i sit tight, the madness will pass. likewise, i won’t even believe if someone tries to tell me i am loved. such a thing i cannot fathom. love is impossible. i am comfortable amid neighbors who will not even make eye contact with me. amidst a community who seems to value me, i know one day they will realize their error, grab their torches & pitchforks, & punish me for my perceived deception.
i have moved from a liberal town of people whom i did not trust to a conservative town of people who do not trust me. why am i more comfortable around people who openly judge me? i guess because i trust them more than i trust the people who are quietly judging me–which is what the liberal communities do. they are nice to my face, but what are they hiding? i grew up in a small town of rednecks. i couldn’t wait to get away from them. but after a lifetime of community jumping, i have come to realize that rednecks, at least (even if i don’t agree with them) tell it like they see it. people who claim to be progressive, often pretend things are something they are not. in my experience. so i put myself in the blatantly hostile environment where no one pretends that i fit in–that way i can know exactly where i stand. does that make sense? it does to me.
one of my gifts my dysfunctional super powers one of the survival instincts that kicked in early was an ability to tolerate intolerable situations breathe through breath held one day at a time with the prize in sight always with my eyes on that prize …escape ignoring with all my might the pain surrounding me until the day i would no longer have to.
i spent my abusive childhood waiting for the day i could run away. i moved out of that house the week i graduated high school. in every dysfunctional relationship, i plotted my escape. tolerating the intolerable until i could safely leave. all the messed up places i have lived…i pretended it wasn’t so bad until the day i could move away.
motherhood is the only place i refuse to do that… wait…or am i doing it? holding myself just together enough until the day my spawn finally fly away from me…. fuck…how can i even tell? it has become second nature.
so many times of my angel & demon fighting for the dominant shoulder my thinking i’m a terrible person when i let my demon fly free …now i find myself
thinking “huh” maybe my demon should have the reins maybe my demon knows best.
i am not sure my demon knows best. some pretty dark thoughts have rattled around in my head these past few days. long story short, demons & motherhood are a dangerous mix…. but i do value my demons. i always have. they have some great ideas & give my life so much texture & color! they do get me in trouble…but now i find myself wondering if that is so bad. maybe creating a little trouble is a good thing. shaking things up. maybe if i didn’t fear the opinions of others & worry that i am upsetting someone or another…. yup. still doing the dance of finding balance. of finding me.
maybe the trick is just keeping the energy vampires at bay after a life spent being sucked dry live a full life a happy life while they all go fuck themselves.
i was inking this & was all like–a dodo bird! i have been inking all of these “guide” animals & have not even done one of my favorites…the dodo bird! so i am totally trying to figure out where i fit in & who i am…this involves digging around through all the things i thought i knew about myself & about life…. it’s a bit exhausting. i really don’t like falling prey to energy vampires, but it seems whenever i go out into society, i immediately get sucked dry by them. so do i just not go out into society anymore? or do i make myself a nice garlic suit? or a combination of the two?
instead of feeling awkwardly self-conscious when i am alone in a crowd i have embraced my solitary state i hold my head high no longer worried that people are judging me because i am no longer judging me.
i don’t know if people notice my awkwardness at public events. i do know that i have pulled off just looking aloof & unapproachable (based on what people have told me) even when feeling like i am sticking out like a big sore thumb who shouldn’t even be there…. but i wrote this after realizing i could just embrace being solitary rather than feel self-conscious about it. huh. a change in perspective is always nice.
i would rather be notorious than notable an outlaw outcast rather than a celebrated saint i would rather run with the wolves than be a pampered pet figuring out who i am is as much about figuring out who i am not.
epiphanies while out in public…the other moms clustered together while i hold my own…. again, trying to shake that idea that i am wrong for not wanting to pack up with who society says i should be packing up with. lady lone wolf…. i like realizing that i am okay with being the dark stranger…but i do need to be careful not to take it too far. like everything else, i do need to maintain balance.