notes on being an outsider, part II

a community does not like an individual.
in both nature & society you can see what happens when one of these things is not like the others.
i don’t know why i am different.
nurture?
nature?
something entirely else?
why was is so easy for my sister to conform why i simply could not?
i remember trying to conform once.
just once.
it didn’t last long.
& of course i have tried to join communities…but i always feel like i am wearing a skin
that is not my own
a badly fitting facade.
i am happier alone.
however…
a community does not like an individual.

and then i’m going around raising four more individuals. what will happen to them? they seem happy to be who they are. i am glad they are happy, but am i setting them up for disaster?
is there a community out there that celebrates individuality? (the island of misfit toys?) i’m sure there are some that believe they do…however, i have yet to find one.

notes on being an outsider, part I

it never surprises me to find i am unpopular…aye…unliked.
i think it surprises me though to find i am liked.
i does surprise me…but i know if i sit tight, the madness will pass.
likewise, i won’t even believe if someone tries to tell me i am loved.
such a thing i cannot fathom.
love is impossible.
i am comfortable amid neighbors who will not even make eye contact with me.
amidst a community who seems to value me, i know one day they will realize their error,
grab their torches & pitchforks,
& punish me for my perceived deception.

i have moved from a liberal town of people whom i did not trust to a conservative town of people who do not trust me. why am i more comfortable around people who openly judge me? i guess because i trust them more than i trust the people who are quietly judging me–which is what the liberal communities do. they are nice to my face, but what are they hiding?
i grew up in a small town of rednecks. i couldn’t wait to get away from them. but after a lifetime of community jumping, i have come to realize that rednecks, at least (even if i don’t agree with them) tell it like they see it. people who claim to be progressive, often pretend things are something they are not.
in my experience.
so i put myself in the blatantly hostile environment where no one pretends that i fit in–that way i can know exactly where i stand.
does that make sense?
it does to me.

tolerating the intolerable

one of my gifts
my dysfunctional super powers
one of the survival instincts
that kicked in
early
was an ability
to tolerate
intolerable
situations
breathe through
breath held
one day at a time
with the prize in sight
always
with my eyes on that prize
…escape
ignoring with all my might
the pain
surrounding
me
until the day
i would no longer
have to.

i spent my abusive childhood waiting for the day i could run away. i moved out of that house the week i graduated high school.
in every dysfunctional relationship, i plotted my escape. tolerating the intolerable until i could safely leave.
all the messed up places i have lived…i pretended it wasn’t so bad until the day i could move away.

motherhood is the only place i refuse to do that…
wait…or am i doing it? holding myself just together enough until the day my spawn finally fly away from me….
fuck…how can i even tell? it has become second nature.

free flying

so many times
of my angel & demon
fighting
for the dominant
shoulder
my thinking
i’m a terrible person
when i let my
demon
fly free
…now
i find myself

thinking
“huh”
maybe my demon
should
have the reins
maybe my demon
knows
best.

i am not sure my demon knows best. some pretty dark thoughts have rattled around in my head these past few days. long story short, demons & motherhood are a dangerous mix….
but i do value my demons. i always have. they have some great ideas & give my life so much texture & color!
they do get me in trouble…but now i find myself wondering if that is so bad. maybe creating a little trouble is a good thing. shaking things up. maybe if i didn’t fear the opinions of others & worry that i am upsetting someone or another….
yup. still doing the dance of finding balance. of finding me.

sucks

maybe the trick
is just
keeping the energy vampires
at bay
after a life spent
being sucked
dry
live a full life
a happy life
while they all go
fuck themselves.

i was inking this & was all like–a dodo bird! i have been inking all of these “guide” animals & have not even done one of my favorites…the dodo bird!
so i am totally trying to figure out where i fit in & who i am…this involves digging around through all the things i thought i knew about myself & about life…. it’s a bit exhausting.
i really don’t like falling prey to energy vampires, but it seems whenever i go out into society, i immediately get sucked dry by them.
so do i just not go out into society anymore? or do i make myself a nice garlic suit? or a combination of the two?

solitary

instead of feeling awkwardly
self-conscious
when i am alone
in a crowd
i have embraced
my solitary
state
i hold my head high
no longer worried
that people are judging me
because i
am no longer
judging me.

i don’t know if people notice my awkwardness at public events. i do know that i have pulled off just looking aloof & unapproachable (based on what people have told me) even when feeling like i am sticking out like a big sore thumb who shouldn’t even be there….
but i wrote this after realizing i could just embrace being solitary rather than feel self-conscious about it.
huh.
a change in perspective is always nice.

notorious

i would rather be
notorious
than notable
an outlaw outcast
rather than a
celebrated saint
i would rather
run with the wolves
than be a
pampered pet
figuring out who i am
is as much about
figuring out
who i am not.

epiphanies while out in public…the other moms clustered together while i hold my own….
again, trying to shake that idea that i am wrong for not wanting to pack up with who society says i should be packing up with.
lady lone wolf….
i like realizing that i am okay with being the dark stranger…but i do need to be careful not to take it too far.
like everything else, i do need to maintain balance.

stalemate

change comes from within
no one
can change me
just like i cannot
change them
i am not going
to change a world
that is only interested
in changing me
some sort of
cosmic
stalemate
& all i can do
is walk away
from the game.

more thoughts from my most recent breakdown/breakthrough…funny how those two things happen back to back. breakdown…breakthrough….

two thoughts on this inking.
1) what is my deal with sweaters?
2) i was working on the page opposite this one–absentmindedly holding an open jar of blue ink–& just forgot i had open ink in my hand. drips galore.

outsider

do i feel like
an outsider
because of a
childhood
on the outside
or
did i spend
a life on the
outside
because i believe
at my core
i am
an outsider?

i wonder this. i am comfortable on the fringe…but did society put me here or did i put myself here–convinced of my own pariah-hood?
i am going through another episode where i let myself get too involved with other people & then had a severe reaction to said involvement.
i am in now the process of isolating myself–which most people would say is bad–then why does it feel so good?
i am relieved to be separated from the herd once more.
i am relieved to be my own best company again with only my own projects to think about. i am happy to not be contributing to anything but my own present situation….
is this wrong? i know it is not thought to be healthy…but is that a western notion pushed on us to make us a more productive society? root out the weirdos & misfits & pound those square pegs into the round holes? did i feel i had to be involved in order to be whole? in order to fit in? even though trying to fit in just made me feel so much worse?

my introverted son seems to have no drive to join a tribe just for the sake of joining. he seems content to wait for the right moment to spread his wings. i have never pressured him to be social (only to be kind). he & i don’t desire to be alone alone alone–we just desire to only spend our time with authentic people….

worst supporting actress

i don’t want to be
the main attraction
the director
the head liner
i want to be a
co-star
part of the cast
one of the crew
i don’t want to be
the captain
i don’t want it all
to depend on me
i don’t want to go
down
with the ship
i don’t want
to be
the mom….

unfortunately, i do not play well with others so being part of the cast is not easy for me either…. fuck me. i am still having an identity crisis. i do not want to be alone. i do not want to be the one in charge.
but am i destined to be alone?
a loner?
unable to cooperate with the masses well enough to blend in?
crap.
how do i find the balance of community & not being a pissed off misanthrope?

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